The Paradox Apr 14 2010

Say what? Dept:

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Editor's Comment:
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I saw lots of stuff like this the last time I tried to do my own taxes. I finally got smart and hired  a CPA to deal with the IRS doublespeak.

How he keeps his sanity is beyond me.

I wonder if they're all in it together...

Yuletide Rejection

Unknown to most, a fourth wise man was turned away for bringing fruitcake.

Take us to your leader!

After we saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens in IMAX 3D my Son-in-Law Mike found me out in the back yard talking, apparently to myself.

When he asked me what I was doing I told him I was trying to find out more about their customs, culture, way of life, and from which galaxy they came.

That's when he told me they were patio umbrellas.

Hooters in Eternity?

Every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings!

Bird Dog?

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

True Love

Shortly after the unfortunate incident, young

Crockett began wearing a simple knit cap.

The Fall

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                             AAAAAAAAHHHHHhhhhhhhh.... [splat]

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Editor's Comment:
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Sure, now you can laugh. But just wait'll the next time you're stuck up in the top of a tree... and it's cold... and it's dark... and you're hungry!

The fact of the matter?

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Dear Readers,

Whom to believe, what to believe, when to believe... it's seemingly a never-ending struggle no matter who you are.

The ongoing issues of deceptive advertising, claims, politics, viral rumors and plain old- fashioned malicious publication won't go away soon but in our world of electronic media more and more reliable ways for John Q. Public to tell what's what and what's not are now surfacing.

No matter what the topic, it's crucial to possess reliable, factual information for informed decisions and discussions.

Here are 6 dependable sites that will help to simplify that decision-making process; who tells the truth; who doesn't and how to separate facts from fiction from consumer issues to politics.

http://factcheck.org/

Operated by the University of Pennsylvania, Fact Check provides careful analysis of claims made by politicians and other news-makers.

http://politifact.com/

Run by the Tampa Bay Times, Politi Fact won a Pulitzer Prize in 2009 for its "Truth-O-Meter" ratings of politicians' claims. Links to 11 affiliated state fact checking organizations are also found on the site.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/fact-checker

Written by veteran Post columnist Glenn Kessler, falsehoods get "Pinnocchios" and truisms "Geppettos". Political in nature.

http://urbanlegends.about.com/

Operated by The New York Times, Urban Legends debunks political and misleading claims, photos, and videos.

http://snopes.com/

Snopes exposes all sorts of myths including those spread by viral email. You can take Snopes' word to the bank... always!

http://votesmart.org/

Vote Smart features an interactive website where issues most important to you and your address (or zip) are entered. An array of candidates for national offices you are eligible to elect displays their photos on campaign posters. The larger the poster, presumably the closer their positions are to your own, but this is unreliable since you never disclose your positions.

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Be smart all the time, not just in time.

Check it out before you shout.

Find the facts before you act.
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Pop(s) Secret

In the wilds of the way down under, a koala was sitting in a eucalyptus tree eating a bag of popcorn. Life was good... very very good indeed.

 

A little lizard walked past, looked up and said, Hey Koala, what are you doing way up there in that eucalyptus tree?

The koala said I'm sitting up in this tree eating a bag of popcorn. But there's enough for both of us. Come up and have some.

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed the bag of popcorn down to the last kernel. The little lizard, full to the brim said That popcorn made me SO THIRSTY! I think I'm going to climb down and get a drink from the river.

When the little lizard got to the river, he started to take a big drink, but he was so full of popcorn that he leaned over too far and fell into the water.

A big crocodile, seeing the accident, swam over to the little lizard, helped him to the side and asked What's the matter with you anyway?

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree eating popcorn but got so full that he fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile made up his mind that he had to check this out so he walked into the forest, and found the tree where the koala was sitting, eating up the last crumbs of popcorn. The crocodile looked up and said Hey, Koala!!

The koala looking down, saw the huge reptile beneath the his tree and said Crikey, Mate... just how much water did you DRINK anyway?

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Editor's Comment: 142 gallons, more or less. WOW!

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The Country Doctor

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Dear Readers,

When in the South, it pays to know local jargon if worst comes to worst and you find yourself in front of a Doctor.

Whut It Is

Barium...........Protocol after a failed operation
Benign...........You be nine after you be eight
Cauterize........Eye contact with a flirty nurse
Clinics..........Used for runny noses

Dilate...........To live long
Grain............Green, as in Gangrain

Hangnail.........Hang your coat on this

Impotent.........Distinguished... well known
Kidney...........Middle leg joint of a small child

Labor Pain.......Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff....The good Doctor's cane

Morbid...........Higher than whut I bid

Niagara..........Fixes a man's git up 'n go.

Nitrates.........Cheaper than day rates

Node.............I knew it

Pelvis...........Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative...A letter carrier

Seizure..........Roman emperor

Tablet...........A small table

Tow..............That thing you stub at night

Tumor............One more, an one more'n that

Urine............Opposite of you're out 

Varicose.........Nearby

Weekend..........The green apple quickstep

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Editor's Comments:

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The best plan in the South is NOT an HMO. The best plan? Relax, take it easy and stay away from the Doc altogether!

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Tips from the French Connoisseur

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Editor's Comments: 
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The Editor gives all of his fine wines mouth-to-mouth, breathing or not.
There have been instances of four patients saved in one single night. 

[says the French expert in astonishment at this shocking revelation]
Sacré bleu!  Très bon Monsieur Editor!  Vive le resucitation! 

See?  Once again the world takes a lesson.

Hey Monsieur, pass me that there jug of Boone's Farm Wild Strawberry, how do you say it... sile vous play.
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The fortune cookie

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Dear Readers,

The Editor is a huge fan of Chinese cuisine. Everything on the menu is fair game.  But though I love it all, the best part of the meal comes last, when the fabled fortune cookie arrives.

Yesterday, anticipating the long-awaited moment, I downed the hot tea, egg roll and cashew chicken with fried rice on the side in record time.

My cookie duly placed in front of me, I reached for my fate-of-the-day with trembling hands.

Cracking the fragile pastry with a skill acquired from long practice I eagerly took out the crumpled bit of paper, which mockingly leered...

4-14-35-7-21-56

Stunned by the apparent rebuff I was at first crushed with disappointment.

But wait!

Suddenly remembering that the fortune part was on the opposite side, I quickly flipped the bit of parchment over and found a cryptic message:

 
1. Pick up the nearest book you see.
2. Turn to page 45.
3. The first sentence will foretell your
     luck with love in the coming year.


The only book readily available being a book of matches, I quickly jumped up and hurried to a waiting taxi, neatly forgetting my customary tip.

Arriving at home in record time (thanks to a generous bribe for the Cabby) I frantically rushed to my vast library.  Breathless and still in a dither, the countless stacks glared at me haughtily in contemptuous silence.

Which book should it be? I mused.

Then I remembered... it had to be the NEAREST that I saw.

I picked up the thick volume of  Byron's Complete Works, turned to page 45 as instructed and slowly looked downward to find my fate with love.  The words screamed derisively as they proclaimed...

Chapter VII

What a major disappointment!

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Editor's Comments:
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After tossing and turning all night, The Editor returned to his fickle library at 3 o'clock in the morning for another try.

This time, with only a candle to see row upon row of volumes, I reached blindly and came up with, of all things, a Chinese cook book.

I suppose it could happen I nervously thought.

With gritted teeth, I opened the tome to page 45, which gleefully shouted in no uncertain terms...

Beef with Broccoli  牛肉与西兰花 

Sigh... oh well...
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The morning after the day before

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Editor's Comments:
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Ohhh, my achin' breadbasket.  I can't believe I ate the whole thing!
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Sweets... NOT just for the sweet...

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Editor's Comments:
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Ohhhhhhhh.... Happy Valentine's Day to meeeee...

I love holidays.  Sometimes I can make them last for a whole week [burp].
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Cease and desist!!

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Notice to all politicians

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Dear Politicians:

The Editor's phone number may be found on the National Do Not Call Registry.  It's been there since the inception of the list in 2004.

That you've conveniently exempted yourselves from the Do Not Call Implementation Act of 2003 does not give you permission to disturb me in my home with your biased, unsolicited, rambling, unwanted and unappreciated political claptrap.

If you do, I promise that you will NOT get my vote, even if in the end I have to mark my ballot with a write-in for Howdy Doody.

[The way things are goin' in D.C. right now I might just do that anyway.]

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Editor's Comment: Don't put me to the test here!
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The Orchestra

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Maestro Kaplin learns the hard way that the phrase

Would you please play that part louder

is never to be spoken to the trombone section.

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Editor's Comment:
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The Editor is sure that the percussionists, not to be outdone, will have something to say about this; probably sooner rather than later.
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