Don't tread on me!!

.

Road RAGE Dept:

.
*******************
Editor's Comment: .Pass if you dare...
*******************

You want fries with that?

White meat or dark Dept:

Social Section:
.
..Sunday - Eastern .Bay Shopping Mall:
..A free, guided, bird identification walk
..will visit several regional parks today.
.
..Meet at 11:30 a.m. in the parking lot of
..Kentucky Fried Chicken on Elm.
.
..After the walk, a luncheon .featuring
..choices from a unique menu will be ser-
..ved by KFC.in their main dining room...
.
*******************
Editor's Comment:
*******************
BIRDS... Go Back!!... Go Back!!... STAY AWAAAY... NOOOOO...
SHOO... SHOO... SHOO... LOOK OOOOUT... IT'S A TRIIIICK...

Beachside Bistro

Undertow Dept:

................THE SEA
..Has moved 1 block south
......to 305 N. Harbor Blvd.

..........Lunchtime Special
......Baked Flounder.. $6.99
......................***
...............Appetizers
......Stuffed Calamari .$4.99
......She Crab Bisque...$3.99
...................... bowl0 $4.49...
..
********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
This sign is only accurate at certain times of the day. When the tide goes out again, everything returns to normal once more.
.

Tender Loving Care

Y'all Come Dept:

Sign of the Times:

................SPIFFY LUBE
.........................***
.................IF YOU LOVE
.........................HER
...................LUBE HER!
.
*******************
Editor's Comment:
*******************
This works like crazy!! .I used 10W50 multi-weight with great results.
.

A Different Drummer

Dear Readers:

Have you ever heard the saying:

"He marches to the beat of a different drummer"?

Yes-I have........  __
No--I have nott __

Whether you have or haven't, check out the drummer in THIS band:

Click here for the music.

(Note: link opens in a new window)

********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
Finally and at last!! .A drummer that can keep a steady tempo.
.
Now THAT'S different!! (LOL)
 
Anxious to know more about this phenomenon I sent an e-mail query to international officers of the A.F.of M. who quickly replied that the drummer's name is registered with them as Deere.

There was a John somewhere in their response, but it wasn't clear whether it went before or after the Deere part so until that issue is resolved, just plain old Deere will have to do.

I'm sure all of you noticed that at the end of the piece Mr. Deere did not stop playing, but continued on, totally oblivious to all... as if he didn't realize a thing that was going on around him.

From long experience I can assure you, that is indeed the way it was.
.
He didn't realize what was going on around him!

While they're happily banging away, drummers almost never realize what's going on around them... or in front of them... or behind them..

Believe this!

But that's not at all surprising to me, because over the course of 30 years as a professional musician, both as a sitting member of the ensemble and while on the podium as a conductor, I painfully came to realize that once they get started, the vast majority of percussionists live in Never-Never-Land until some-one or some-thing physically jars them back to reality.

Blunt trauma of some sort administered forcibly to the side of the head usually does the trick sooner or later.

After countless attempts to persuade drummers both young and old to consistently watch the conductor and/or listen to everybody else, I admitted defeat at last, acknowledged the fact that drummers are a breed of their own, and reluctantly accepted their inattentions as par for the course... a necessary evil that must be tolerated, like it or not.

So, forearmed with my previous experiences, after the band finished playing .Sweet Georgia Brown in the video clip, I actually expected Mr. Deere to truck on and would have been quite astonished if he had quit at the end along with everybody else.

Be that as it may, the question remains:

What to DO about drummers??!!

Ya' can't live without 'em...

Excuse me... what's that again?
.
Oho!! .You think that you can??

Well then Dear Readers, let me ask you this:

What would Strauss' Also Sprach Zarathustra* be without the stirring throb of the tympani at the beginning? (* the theme to 2001: A Space Odessey)

Taaaa,taaaa,taaaaaaaa...ta-daaaaaaaa boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom-boom -- boom --- Boom ---- BOOM...

How effective would Prokofiev's Peter and the Wolf be with no percussion to noisily announce the thrilling entrance of the hun- ters and portray the gunshots that they fire at the wolf?

No percussion = No hunters!!! .Just think about it, will you...

Without hunters it surely would have meant the end for Little Red Riding Hood- and her dear old Granny to boot!!  EGAD!

What would Connecticut Halftime be without a snare drum?

I'll tell you what it would be. It would be total dead silence since Connecticut Halftime is an a cappella solo for snare.

"But...", you say uncertainly "... silence is golden... isn't it?"

So - you're still not qui-i-i-te convinced.. but I can see some cracks..

OK then... here's some more for you...

When they're not playing, how could a marching band march down the avenue without the steady rhythmic cadence of the drums to keep them all in step?
.
rata tat tat tat
rata tat tat tat
rata tat tat tatatata tat tat tat...

What would The Little Drummer Boy* be without a drum, eh? *(originally Carol of the Drum)

The Plain Old Ordinary Ho-Hum Regular Boring Snot-nosed Tedious Droopy Drawers Dull Little Boy with No Drum at all! - that's what!

Can you imagine Christmas with no "Pa rump-a-pum-pum"?

INDEED!

And try this one on for size...

What if there were no "Drums Along the Mohawk"?

My Word!! .Perish the thought!!

How exciting would reenactments of our own Revolutionary War be without the image of the brave young drummer boy ... steadfastly marching to the fray beside his brethren; one playing the fife and the other holding our proud but tattered battle flag?

What about Gun Fight - the fourth movement to Aaron Copland's Billy the Kid? Without the percussion section there'd be no gun-
... there'd be no fight!!

Bummer!!
--------------------------
Now - close your eyes and imagine the below...

BOOM... boom boom...
Boom... boom boom...
Boom... .boom boom...

.
What's that one??

Aha - very good! .Now you're beginning to get the hang of it!
.
Yes indeed, it's Copeland again - this time, the introduction to his Fanfare for the Common Man.

I ask you... how would Bob Dylan have opened half of his shows without Fanfare for the Common Man?
.
Here's a tough one...
.
BrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrUP!
BrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrUP!
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
DeedleDeeldeDeedleDeeldeDeedleEDeeDee
DEEE
Deet deet dee deee deee dee
DeedleEDeeDee...
.
Give up?
.
OK, I understand... it WAS tough. It's Rossini's La Gaza Ladra!! (The Thieving Magpie)
.
See what I mean? .Ya' can't live without 'em...
.
So, noisy as they always are, irritating as they often can be...
.
Ya' gotta live with 'em!!
.
GOOD HEAVENS!!!
.
The Bottom Line:
.
As a life-long instrumentalist, though it's tough to finally admit, when it comes down to drums and drummers alike, the fact remains:
.
Sometimes maybe silence isn't so golden after all!!
.

*****

Dedicated to my friend Dan Kline who is-you guessed it-a drummer!
P.S.
As Dan has succinctly reminded me, and on more than one occasion:
The rest of the band plays whenever the drummers allow them to!!
.
Dear Readers: ... I rest my case ...
.

Your Honor, the Defense rests...

Tell it to the Judge Dept:

Legal News:

........The State Court of Appeals has turned
........down Richard Wertzler's appeal of the
........automatic suspension of his driver's li-
........cense. .Wertzler had refused to take a
........blood alcohol test when he was arrest-
........ed at the scene of an accident.

........His .argument to the court was that he
........was too drunk to realize that he should
........have agreed to .the test when asked by
........the investigating officer in charge.

-The Starr Sentinel-Ledger
*******************
Editor's Comment: .Hey - no fair - maybe he would have passed.
*******************

A Road Less Traveled (now)

Road Sign of the Times:

********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
I do believe that I've seen this very same sign somewhere before...

hmmm... now let me see... wheeere was it?

Oh yes, I remember... north of Yellowstone... up in Montana it was!

It turns out that the sign is posted where U.S. 89 used to be, but after the road was closed due to construction of a hydroelectric dam, now lies at the new bottom of the new lake created by the new dam.

It was put there to serve as a reminder to those who either missed or ignored the ROAD CLOSED AHEAD!! sign a half-mile earlier, kept right on going, and ended up running off what is now a 40-foot cliff.

Oh well... it was an old truck anyway...

The Freeloader

Taste Tester Dept:

.............. TRY the NEW
.......GALLSTONE MUESLI
........... .. IT'S SO GOOD
........... WE GUARANTEE
....... ....YOU'LL LIKE IT!
........................***
. ........We support our claim
...........with a.FREE box of
...........Gallstone Muesli!!

-Gallstone Foods Inc.
********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
Dear Gallstone Muesli:

I hate your Muesli! It tastes like soggy cardboard.

I do not like soggy cardboard either, but I ate some once because
I was broke and could not find anything else to eat.

If I had to choose between Gallstone Muesli and any kind of card- board at all for breakfast, I would choose the cardboard for sure.

Yours truly,
The Editor

P.S.
Please send my free box of Gallstone Muesli to:
555 Shnorer Circle
Poohbah, GA 3032?

Also, if I do not like it either, would it be possible for me to get another free box for that one too?
.

The Miracle Cure

Picky, picky, picky Dept:

Emergency Correction:
There was an error in the "To Your Health" column published Monday.

In the 5th paragraph, the 2nd sentence stated that "Charlie's hiccups were temporarily halted through the use of carbon monoxide."

Carbon monoxide however, is a highly toxic lethal gas.

The article should have instead made reference to "carbon dioxide", a gas which is totally harmless to humans.

We sincerely apologize for any confusion.

-The Putnam City Post Gazette
********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
Though he tried for two solid days, breathing carbon dioxide (CO2) did not cure Charlie's hiccups at all.

Frustrated that the CO2 wasn't working despite all of his high hopes and hard work, he decided to try the carbon monoxide (CO) route
as was originally reported in the paper.

Who knows... taking away that one little atom of oxygen might make all the difference in the world... and what could it hurt anyway?

Besides he had heard, and more than once, that carbon monoxide would cure anyone's hiccups permanently, forevermore and Amen.

Unfortunately it turned out that they were right!

... so that was the end of Charlie!

Oops... what a pity!

I guess he never heard about breathing into a brown-paper bag, standing on your head, or holding your breath for 30 seconds...

Hooousecleaning...

Watch your step Dept:
.
... sign at the front desk of a Tokyo hotel ...
.
.....YOU ARE INVITED TO
.........TAKE ADVANTAGE
.....................of the
..........CHAMBERMAID
.
*******************
Editor's Comment:
*******************
What they didn't say is that she's a 4th degree black belt...
.

Surf's Up

Bizzare Combinations Dept:

********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
Stretching my imagination to its limits, I come up with only three conclusions to the message sent by this otherwise curious billboard:

1) .It's an advertisement about a Bible class.
2) They are currently up to the book of Exodus...
3) ... reading about the Israelites and the parting of the Red Sea.

I wonder if Moses knew how to hang ten?

Maybe they'll find out. I'll keep you posted.

"Breaking" News

Do Tell! Dept:

Headline:
.
..........TREES CAN BREAK WIND!

.........Wind can be a major factor in the in-
.........crease of winter heating bills.
.........
.........A natural way to lessen the effect of
.........the wind significantly is to use trees
.........as a windbreak...

********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
So THAT'S what has been waking me up all night long!

I have this big oak just outside my bedroom window and I'm more than sure that it must be the culprit.
.
It's probably payback for the time when I cut off all its lower branches with a chain-saw to keep the neighborhood kids from climbing it.
.

Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce...

Expensive Misprints Dept:

.............BUY ONE
.......GET ONE FREE
................14 LB.
......CHEESEBURGER
...................***
..............1 Coupon
...........Per Customer
...............Per Visit
...................***
.............This coupon
............not valid with
............other specials.

*******************
Editor's Comment:
*******************
Oh please please please... pleeeease... let it be true just this one time and I promise never to ask for anything ever again!.EVER!

Peek-a-boo... I see you!

.Signs of the Times:
.......................________________
......................|...REAL ESTATE.-|--------------------------*
......................|..INFORMATION.|KE Stocktin CA.....-|
......................|..............**..............|NUDIST Supplies-.|
......................|.NO DRESS CODE.|........------>......-..-.....|
......................|.....Stop 'n chat!.- .|GULAR GAS 2.87--.|
......................|______.._______|---------------------------*
................................-....|...................-.......|
...............................-.....|....................-......|..
................................-....|..-....................._/\_
.............................-...._/\_

********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
When I saw these signs on a recent trip out west, I stopped at the Real Estate office to see if there were any interesting customers inside.

After I signed a six-month lease for a house with a second-story win- dow overlooking two beaches, I decided to try and find out exactly what the difference was between nudist supplies and regular supplies.

When I went in the gas station to see for myself.I was told that all they sell is suntan lotion and beer.

I couldn't even buy a pair of trunks!!

Can you imagine?

Oh well... when in Rome...

Population Earth

Roadsign of the times:
.
.............EARTH
.........City Limits
.......... pop. 2191
..........-..-.....2193
......-.......-... 2189
....-..........-...2185
..-.............-..2183
.
********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
This is the sign that greeted Rod Taylor (The Time Traveler) in the original take of H.G. Wells' The Time Machine when he stopped in the year 802,701 A.D. and found the entire human race represented by:

Eloi...
... the lovable good guys; lacking the brains that God gave a billy- goat, flaxen-haired spiritless weenies helpless as fish-out-of-water.

and...

Morlocks...
... the despicable bad guys; monsters all, who had a nasty habit of dining on grilled fillet of plump juicy Eloi every chance they got.
.
The scene hit the cutting room floor when it was discovered that due to a recent holiday bash by the Morlocks, the count of Earth's inhabi- tants had been reduced by some 14 Eloi.
.
As we all know, later in the movie Rod took care of all the Morlocks in short order and as a result, saved the Eloi from total extinction.
.
Yaaaaay!! .Way to go ROD!!
.
He did this brave deed not to be macho, not to be a hero, not even to nobly save mankind from extermination, but to give himself a chance at sweet-talking childlike, innocent and gullible Yvette Mimieaux...
Weena;the stunning Eloi equivalent of a dumber-than-dumb blond..
... into making a serious effort towards restoring the population count of Earth to a more respectable level.
.
This is also why he left his 19th century friends, his home, his beloved laboratory and his 1st-Class-A-Number-1-Housekeeper Mrs. Watchett once and for all at the end of the show.
.
They thought that he'd stumbled -in great disarray yet- allll the way back to 1899 from 802,701 just to eat a dinner of leg-of-lamb, boiled potatoes and peas with them; afterwards giving a ho-hum synopsis on the most recent developments of his farfetched experiments in time.

How naive; but in a word...

Not!!
.
As a matter of .fact, although.he could deal with the boiled .potatoes and peas part quite well, he had always secretly detested leg-of-lamb.

However as a staunch true-blue and loyal Englishman, he could never quite bring himself to actually say so out-loud.
.
Really all he wanted to do was grab a toothbrush, his straight-razor, pipe and slippers, a tin or so of Earl Grey, and a couple of changes of shorts before madly dashing away from London fog, his stodgy cigar-smoking friends and leg-of-lamb forever; far far away-back to the dis- tant future and into Yvette's eagerly waiting arms for all of eternity.
.
And so he did! .How EXCITING!!

It didn't even matter that in his haste he had quite forgotten to bring along milk for his afternoon tea because...

HE HAD A TIME MACHINE!!
.
What a happy ending!!

.I wonder if he could use some help ...

Load Limit

Roadsign of the times:
.
.........10 TON BRIDE AHEAD
.
*******************
Editor's Comment: .
*******************
Extra good on a cold winter's night...