The Four Amigos

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Daydreaming Dept:
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I gaze at the full brilliant moon; the same one I think to myself upon which Plato, Socrates, and Aristotle themselves gazed long ago.
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Suddenly I imagine that they all appear out of nowhere and miraculously stand beside me.
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I tell Socrates about the nationalldebate over one's right to die...we discuss the constancy of humankind throughout the ages at length.



.....
.....I tell Plato that I live in a country that's come
    the closestltolUtopia, then I show him a
    copy of our nation's brilliant Constitution..


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I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him what is now a much expanded periodic table.
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Then I find a full box of kitchen matches. I strike one to satisfy their puzzled looks...
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They gasp with wonder...
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Editor's Comments:
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We spend the rest of the night lighting farts...

The Original Alternative Rock

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Thou Shalt Not Dept:
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Editor's Comments:
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GOD created this music over 3000 years ago.
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It STILL rocks!!!

The Faux Pas

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Oops Dept:

Jeff put on his casual face, hoping that
no one would notice he'd just farted.

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Editor's Comment: .Too late Jeff...
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Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?

Final Exam Dept:
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We all fail at times, but there's something a- bout failing with style that somehow seems
to spell success. .Here are answers from ap- parentlylclueless,lyet lunconsciouslylbril- liant studentslinlour secondary school sys- tems when askedlquestions about their recent studies.
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The Classics:
Question: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
Answer:....Learning to speak Latin.
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Chemistry:
Question: Explain why phosphorus tricloride (PCl3) is polar.
Answer:....Because God made it that way.
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The Classics:
Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar's death?
Answer:....Suspicious ones.
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Biology:
Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease.
Answer:....Early death.
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Geophysics(Vulcanology):
Question: What does the term "lava" mean?
Answer:....A prepubescent caterpillar.
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Biology:
Question: What is a plasmid?
Answer:....A high-definition television.
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Religion:
Question: Christians only have one spouse; what is this called?
Answer:....Monotony. ..No, wait - Torture.
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Physics:
Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil fuels.
Answer:....Fire.
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Geography:
Question: Name one famous Greek landmark.
Answer:....The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse.
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History:
Question: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer:....At the bottom.
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Geography:
Question: The people known as Malays originated in which country?
Answer:....Malaria.
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Grammar:
Question: Name two personal pronouns.
Answer:....Who, me?
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Math: ............................n
Question: Expand (a+b)
Answer:.....................n
.....................(a..+..b)........n
.....................( .a. ..+ ...b .).................n
.....................(...a.........+..........b...)
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(Math teacher's note): Very funny Jimmy... X
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Editor's Comments:
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Does everyone out there realize that these little monsters; our future hopes, our future dreams, our future leaders all; are someday to be tasked with the survival of the entire species??
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The good news is that even if they don't know, they're trying.
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I think that there may be hope...

Li-ver-POOL - Li-ver-POOL

.......Facebook.........I know they look like coffee
......Comment:.......beans, but the book on 'em
................................says they're goose livers!!!

Christina's Ice Cream Dept:.

Dear Readers,
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RaylFord,lproudlownerlandloperatorloflChristina's Ice Cream, Cambridge, MA is an ardent fan of the Liverpool Football Club, L.F.C.
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Since he's been takinglalbitloflconcentrated (but good-natured) guff from the opposition as of late, I recently created the mélange seen on today's post then added it to Ray's Facebook wall to bolster his spirits.
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He seemed to like it, so with his tacit approval I'm taking the liberty of publishing it to the world.... along with, of course, a healthy plug for:
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Christina's

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Ray's business is booming as well it should, since he markets a state- of-the-art product, recognized by folks throughout the northeastern part of the U.S. of A. as the crème de la (ice) crème of frozen treats.
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He supplies numerous establishments in the greater Boston area with world-class ice-cream, caters to countlessllocal events, and has been cited for excellence by the media on a number of occasions.
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Ray also sells a wide range of premium spices next to his walk-in ice cream parlor, with gift-packaging available for festive occasions.
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Read all about the fame and fortune of Ray and Christina's at:
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http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/food/gallery/ice_cream_around_boston?pg=9
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Editor's Comments:
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Oh yeah - even though Ray my than good friend, that doesn't change anything... honest!

I already get free ice cream and coffee whenever I visit!
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Such a Prince is he...

Cash for Clunkers

Honest John's Fine Jalopies Dept:
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Cars..........100% Financing........2001
Trucks..TAXES/TITLE/TAG..and up
Vans.......Included w/payments..models

....................Drive home with
............ABSOLUTELY NO CASH
...............-Several to choose from-
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2005 ..Dodge Caravan
.............2 tone, all equipment
2004 ..Camero Berlinetta
.............sharp
2003 ..Dodge Ram Charger SE
.............for the man's man
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Editor's Comments:
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This is probably the very first totally honest used car advertisement that I have ever seen. .Being this honest might even be a sneaky way
of getting rich quick... and it's all 100% legal and above board.
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I LUUUUUUV theese country!!

The Lion's Share

Seafood Dept:
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Dateline Seattle:
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Hungry sea lions have been eating nearly
half the salmon and steelheads that swim
upstream to spawn in Lake Washington.
OK... it's their ocean and they gotta eat...
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The sea lions find exceptionally good fish-
ing at Seattle's Ballard Locks fish ladder.
And takelitlfromlanlold-time fisherman,
when they're bitin' it draws a big crowd.
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According to biologist Bob Pfiefer, the sea
lions aren't fazed by M-80 firecrackers...
Especiallyliflthey're stilllinlthe box, unlit
and soaked through with river water.
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Going a step further fireworks were used
butlseallions weren't afraid of them either.
Notlonlylwereltheylunafraid, theylwent
ooooh and ahhhh when thelsky lit up.
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Experts triedlprotectinglthelfishlbylplay-
ing loud tapes of various bands...
This sounds like a real expert solution...
... including music by Motley Crue...
Which only drew more sea lions, who're
real good whenlit comes to spreadin' the
word about a free concert in town.
... and speeches by Muhammar Khaddafi.
Which expert got the bright idea that sea
lions would understand Arabic any more
than a boxful of M-80s or fireworks?
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Editor's Comments:
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The problem was neatly solved when oneloflthe experts' kids convinced his Papa to set up a big- screen TV and run old black-and-white episodes
of The Adventures of Flipper.
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Enraptured by the escapades of the heroic dolphin, the sea lions sat spellbound for hours on end, glued in front of the telly, cheering on their distant kin.
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When they learned about Campbell's chicken noodle soup during a commercial break, they went right out and bought a couple of cases.
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It turns out they liked it so much that they gave up both steelheads and salmon forever. .The problem was over for good and all!
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Now THAT was an expert solution!! .Nice goin' kid!!

The Heist

Gold Silver and Jewels Dept:
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Would be robbers chased an armored car on
a highwaylnearlAtlanticlCity today, but fled
after it crashed and rolled over.
I thot that was the point...
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Before being taken tola local hospital for ob-
servation the driver locked the armored car
which was now lying on its side.
Good man! As a result however he suffered
a double hernialtrying to lift the truck high
enough to lock the door on the driver's side
which was next to the ground at the time.
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According to the Ocean City Sun, police had
to use acetylene torches to open the vehicle
and secure its supposedly valuable contents,
Yeah right! .Like it wasn't secure enough al-
ready, locked up tight in an armored car...
... which turned out to be a takeout lunch in-
tended for New York real estate tycoon and
Atlantic City casino owner Donald Trump.
...a high-dollar order of corned beef on rye
with extra-hot horseradish and a pickle.
Trump, who has his lunch brought to his ca-
sino office from a delicatessen in downtown
Manhattan, could not be reached for...
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Editor's Comments:
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The district police chief admitted that although several local inhabi- tants had been identified as possible suspects to the crime, the case was mired and at a complete standstill since the evidence had now (quote) buuuuurp... unfortunately disappeared... (unquote).

The Gospel Truth

But I already had a bath Dept:
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.....United Presbyterian Informer
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Coming Events Section:
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Sunday afternoon, there will be a meeting
in the North and South ends of the church.
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Children will be baptized at both ends.
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Editor's Comments:
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I've always said that there's nothing wrong in being thorough... but(t) in THIS case... it does seem to be just a bit extreme.

I guess it's their church and they can baptize anyway they want.

Still, I do hope that accidents are held to a minimum and that patience prevails for all during these more than unusual rituals.
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I wonder what John the Baptist would have to say?

Hun-TER or Hun-TED?

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Here kitty kitty; niiice kitty kittty... Dept:

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Editor's Comment:. Uh - Roger. .I wouldn't...
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Bored of Edukashun

Business Card Dept:
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GLENBARD HIGH SCHOOL
.Where Excellance* .is Tradition

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......................Lydelle Torbes
...........................Principle *
...............Snark Blvd and Glenwould
....................Glen Allen IL 60355
.......................(706) 555-1212

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Editor's Comments:
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*...also where tradition means an F in speling.
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They play basketball OK tho...
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My skool is gooder than your skool...
nyaa nyaa nyaa nyaa nyaaaaa nyaaaaa...

Dog Days

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Dept of Animal Control:
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Dateline: Des Plains IL
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The fate of Kirby, a Des Plains dog who
was tried andlconvictedloflviciouslbe-
havior could have been worse.
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County Circuit Court Judge William Re-
hobeth ruled Tuesday that Kirby must
leave Des Plains, never to return.
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Rehobeth could have sentenced the dog
to many punishments that are worse....
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Editor's Comments:
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Acting as Kirby's attorney, his master pleaded for mercy, throwing the fate of the canine on the mercy of the court, but to no avail.
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With tears in his eyes, he even offered to pay a fine and restitution to victims of the wayward mutt, but the cruel Judge would hear none of it, turning a deaf ear to every one of his entreaties.
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So with heavy heart, the desolate dog left for parts unknown, never
to be seen again by the townsfolk of Des Plains.
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Now this may seem like a sad, even somewhat brutal fate for man's best friend, but the article in the paper was right. Kirby's fate could have been worse... MUCH worse!
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For instance, the Judge COULD have ordered Kirby to REMAIN in Des Plains -- FOREVER! .
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JEEE-HOSEPHAT!!!
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That would be cold. It gives me the shivers to even think about it!
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It came out later that the Rehobeth actually did consider this harsh punishment, but decided against it since Kirby would have had an excellent chance at overturning the sentence on standard grounds of cruel and unusual punishment.
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So Dear Readers, lest ye lament for the exiled pooch, consider...
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He is definitely better off, wherever he may be.
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Besides, there is a rumor going around that Kirby ended up in the Big Apple and made a fortune in the vacuum cleaner business.
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I ask you... could that ever have happened in Des Plains???

The Big(ger) Dig

Call of Nature Dept:
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Dateline: Beijing:
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....................FLUSH WITH SUCCESS,
............BEIJING TO REVAMP TOILETS
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Public toilets of today in China's ancient capital consist of
long lines of foul squat-holes with no doors for privacy or
running water for cleanup.
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Fetid restrooms have not only become an image problem
alllover China, butlthey've also affected the development
of tourism andlforeign investment, said the Beijing Daily.
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The old ones just can't be fixed!lsaid Lu Xiaoqi, a ranking
member of the Capital Civilized Construction Foundation.
Fixed? Exactly how do you fix a hole-in-the-ground??
We must all work to find a solution very quickly he said.
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So after much debate, the city's brilliant solution was...
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The Great Public Toilet Design Contest
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The winners were selected last week. .The first thirty pub-
lic restrooms are scheduled to be built no later than June.
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Beijing has 5000 public restrooms, most of which...
The last time I checked, metro Beijing's population stood
at over 17 MILLION. .One john per 3400 souls could def-
initely contribute to the overall problem.
... are serving as regular daily outhouses for the many who
have no indoor facilities at all in their own outdated homes.
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Instead of flushing...
Flushing? .A hole? .Is flushing really an option here??
...the public pits are left to fill until trucks with vacuum de-
vices ... AhSo - the old honey wagon ... pump them out.
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And I guess we all know what happens to it after that!!
Memo... Do NOT consume rice imported from Asia!
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The whole matter has resulted in a strong reaction leading
to a new craze - The Public Toilet Revolution, aslitlwas cal-
led by a young but innovative assistant editor of the Daily.
The paper was later forced to abandon this name since a
local rock band had already preempted the title.
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The first-place designlisla cement structure with a newspa-
per kiosk selling copies of the Beijing Daily which serve not
only as reading material, but also as an emergency substi...
Ah yes, the newspaper. So even in China the daily rag is a
definite requirement whilst one is sitting on the potty...
... public telephones...
Individuallstallslat Playboy Clubs have their own private
phones-use of which islgratis for those who wish to carry
on a conversation while they're seeing a man about a dog.
Nyaah nyaah nyaah nyaah nyaaaaah nyaaaaah!
... and outdoor chairs.
Chairs? Outdoors? .People can sitland WATCH? .How em-
barrasing is that? And this is somehow better than having
NO DOORS AT ALL? .Go figure!!
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Inside will be flushable toilets...
Super! .Now all we have to do is train 17 million Chinese
to pull the chain after each episode. .Managing this feat is
a more than trying matter, even in the good old U.S. of A.
...both of the squat and sit-down type, full length mirrors...
Are these full-lengthlmirrors-on the inside-visible to folks
who, just by accident, happen to be sitting-on the outside-
in the chairs so thoughtfully provided by the designer?
Yes? .Do you think that they will sell tickets?
... and limited cold-water faucets.
Yes - faucets. Faucets do indeed come in handy whenever
there is a nice supply of piped running water available.
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When government officials first announced the contest they
said that the new restrooms were to be built at tourist sites.
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Fantastic!
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So THEY really don't givelalhoot about johns for the great
unwashed masses after all. THEY just want to build up a lit-
tle visible PR andlrestore tourism while 17 million common
schlocks keep right on doing (their) business as usual!
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What a great solution! This only goesltolshow that where-
everlyoulare, bureaucrats are the same all over the world.
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When interviewed, Mayor Lin Qintan told the Daily that the
whole social experiment was sure to catch on.
Oh yes! .After all, it has in the rest of the civilized world...
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Doinglalfine job of building these new publicltoilets is a big
thing since itlisla symbol of the modernization and develop-
ment of our city and its civilized environment, ChunglXinga,
current local Communist Party chief was quoted as saying.

-The Tulsa Tribune
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Editor's Comments:
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Modernization and development of civilized environment?
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I'm having a lot of trouble trying to figure out just how it is that China, a country with a culture that's 5000-years-old and developed enough to have a nuclear capability, is just now coming into the process of a revolutionary social experiment which deals with regular use of the common commode by its thronging masses.
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I guess what they say is true... Life is priorities!
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Give it time and I might understand. .Meanwhile, I'll sit on it...

Big Chief Thunder Thud

Mark your calendar Dept:
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Local Events:
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..........TRIBAL COUNCIL TO HOLD
......AUGUST MEETING IN AUGUST
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CherokeelNationloflOklahomalTriballCouncil
will hold its regular August meeting at the Jay
Community Building at 9 am Saturday August
15, 200x. .Following the Council meeting...
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-The Jay Oklahoma Sentinel
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Editor's Comments:
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The Editor not only being a native of OklahomalbutlpartlCherokee and Choctawlhislverylown self, happens
to know that Sequoyah invented a full-
blown alphabet for the Cherokee.
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I guess he never got around to working
up a full-blown calendar for anybody.
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Oh well...
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I wonder when the September meeting will be?

Smile! You're on Candid Camera...

Typesetter's Gaffe Dept:
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Corrections:
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A caption on the front page of Thursday's paper
misidentified a photograph of a room at the Dep-
artment of Environmental Conservation Labora-
tory located in Juneau.
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Shown in the photograph is the Men's bathroom,

not the Specimen Collection and Testing Region.

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Editor's Comment:
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I guess that explainslthelstartled looklonlevery- body's face when the flash bulbs started popping!

I'mlsurelthatlalllwas forgiven becauselitlreally was an easy enough mistakeltolmake. I've been in both rooms and it was more than a little confusing because the only difference is that the Men's room has frilly little curtains.

The Parking Spot

Circle the Wagons Dept:
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Moishe the attorney, on the way to defend his latest client at the Manhattan Criminal Courts Building, was running terribly late.
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To make matters worse, he couldn't find a parking place anywhere.
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He looked and looked with no luck whatsoever.
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As time passed, now becoming desperate he decided to pray for something to open up.
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"Oh Lord, God of my Fathers, come to my rescue and please please PLEASE let me find a parking place. I'll do ANYTHING if you'll just let me find a parking place." he said.
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"I promise to eat ONLY kosher food... I'll lead the Walk for Hunger... I'll give my time to the soup kitchen... I'll volunteer to teach Sunday school... I'll do anything at all Lord, but PLEASE, oh please let me find a spot to park!" begged the desperate man, now starting to panic.
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C'mon, c'mon, c'mon... muttered Moishe as he continued to search.
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And THEN, as if by magic, a blessed parking spot suddenly appeared right in front of him.
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As he scooted in, he quickly rolled his eyes heavenward and said:
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Ummm... never mind Lord, I found one...
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Editor's Comment: .I wonder if he got his man off the hook?
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