Parent Trap

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Dear Readers,

Raising teens is without a doubt the hardest job in the world.

But when you finally see that they "get it", the reward of a job well done is worth all the time, trouble, expense, and frustration. 

When my son was 15, I told him that he'd taught me a valuable lesson. Taken aback, he asked me what it was.

I said that I'd learned from him that at 15, you're a genius. Then, with every passing year you get a little stupider until at 58 you're a total idiot.
 

My reward came with his graduation from High School, where he earned a Hope Scholarship.
 

Standing there proudly in his cap and gown, he told me "Thanks Dad!"
 

I was overwhelmed. Those words were all I ever wanted to hear.

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Polish is as Polish does

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A customer asks a stock boy, 

Where can I find the Polish sausage?

The boy asks, Are you Polish?

The man, clearly offended, says, Yes I am. 

But let me ask you some questions.

If I ask for pepperoni, am I Italian?

Or if I ask for bratwurst, am I German?

If I ask for a kosher hot dog am I Jewish?

Or if I ask for chow mein am I Chinese?

 .
If I ask for Gruyere am I from Switzerland?

How about apple pie? If I ask for apple pie am I A m e r i c a n?

The clerk said, No, not necessarily.

If I ask for a taco, am I Mexican? says the man continuing on, his voice starting to rise.
 
The clerk replies, No, no, no - not necessarily.
 
So just because I ask for Polish sausage, why do you ask if I'm Polish? screams the guy.

 
... whereupon the clerk says calmly...

Because, Mister; you're at Home Depot!!

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Editor's Comment:
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I wonder if the schmo ever found out where the Polish sausage was?
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You don't know Jack...

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Dear Readers: Several years ago Twisted Humor.com produced a video, The Complete History of Jack Schitt which went viral across the U.S.of A.

Sent to me via a link to Anvari.org, I recognized the work as coming from a noon-time email sent to co-workers that I had written in 1998.

I was able to locate the animator Dave Ensign, who told me that Twisted Humor scoured the internet for funny stories to publish on their site.

It was agreed that Jack should come to life when my story was submitted to Dave for animation and work began on the project in earnest.

Although heavily edited in its final form, Dave's popular version of Jack left my intriguing tale largely intact.

I called Ahmad Anvari in California who had published Twisted's production of Jack to his site and after talking with him for over an hour and sending him a copy of the original text, he agreed to give me credit for the work on his page.  Oh joy! I was famous at last.

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Editor's Comments:
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Click here to see the link for the credit.  Note: While the link to animation itself has been deactivated on Ahmad's page, the credit itself remains intact.

Click here for the link to Twisted Humor's animated story.

With a bit of added clip art and highlighting, here's the original as I sent it.

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980722

Signs Found in the U.S. of A. Dept:

On a 1971 truck in Jackson, GA:

*---------------------------*

|                                              |

|   S_____ HAPPENS  |

|                                              |

*---------------------------*

Editor's Comments: After much reflection on the true meaning of this sign, the Editor decided to research its origins. 

My work now at an end, results are provided below for all Lampooners*:
* Members of our office Lampoon Club

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While 'surfing the web', one of the hits came up Jack Schitt. This made the Editor reflect on a popular and much used saying, to wit:

You don't know Jack Schitt!

Many people are at a loss for a response when told bluntly to their face You don't know Jack Schitt!

Just who was this Jack Schitt??? Although it took many hours, here is the story in its entirety.

===================================

It all started with Awe Schitt, a 19th century itinerant laborer and his wife O. Schitt who worked part-time both as a gardener and chambermaid.

The Schitts emigrated from Europe around the turn of the century seeking to improve their lot in life and when they reached the 'promised land' at last, they prospered.   Awe became a fertilizer magnate, and O. was the founder, owner, and proprietor of Knee Deep 'n Schitt Inc.

Through their only son, Jack, an impressive family of little Schitts was generated. Lineage follows:

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. Six children were born to the couple; Holi Schitt, the twins Deep and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt who was a shifty-eyed sidestepping politician.

After being married for 15 years Noe left Jack and married a certain Mr. Sherlock.  Because the kids were living with her, she was determined to keep her previous name so, albeit somewhat confusing, she was now known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Holi Schitt joined a convent when she was 14. Accused of tarnishing the family image by Grandpa Awe Schitt, she was never heard from again.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt. The couple had two sons; Chicken Schitt, who was an inveterate coward and Dum Schitt, a high school dropout.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and eventually married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
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The Schitt/Happens kids were Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horse Schitt by Fulla, and Steppin Schitt by Giva.

 
On the occasion of their parents' 50th anniversary the kids presented Fulla and Giva with custom license plates embossed with the families' names SCHITT - HAPPENS. 


However many people misinterpreted the meaning of these plates, and they were outlawed in a good number of places including the state of Georgia.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He married, and brought his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt back to the U.S.of A. 

They produced a daughter, Notwortha Schitt, and a son named Migh Schitt. As it turns out, even though it flaunts a long-standing family tradition, Migh is a perennial favorite at reunions since he is the only one who never stinks.

THE END

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Now, when someone says You don't know Jack Schitt, you can beg to differ.
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The End of it All

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Editor's Comment: Goodbye cruel world....
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A Little Sidestep...

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Dear Readers,

The game below was designed with our esteemed leader in mind, but in truth it could fit any politician, any speech, any time, any place.

Given the ongoing shenanigans in our nation's capital, attention must be drawn to certain buzzwords and phrases to alert the unsuspecting of ongoing political doublespeak, bother the occasion or affiliation.

With that in mind, here for your edification is:

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Editor's Comments:
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Rules

1. Before any political speech, print your Barack's BS Bingo card.
2. Put an X in the block when you hear one of the phrases on the card.
3. If you've 5 blocks in a row horizontally, vertically or diagonally:

Stand up and shout

BULLSHIT!!

Note: Any proceeds from BBB go to the Intn'l Texas Longhorn Assn.

A Tale of Two Trucks

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It all started when Henry drove his car off the dock into the water. You can see him standing on it, holding his brand new AAA card.

AAA having been called and the tow truck finally on site, all is well. Up we go now... there's a good lad.

But wait... Sir Isaac Newton might have something to say about this.

It turns out that Sir Isaac knew his stuff!  Good man, Sir Isaac.

Hello, AAA?  This is Henry again.  Uhhhh - we seem to have a small problem. Would you please send another... I know; I know you did. Yes, of course you're quite right. I can't believe it either. By-the-bye you will send a bigger truck this time? Yes, that's right... BIGGER!

Yet again, AAA dashes to the rescue! This should do the trick, eh?

And now, for our competitor's truck. This is A HOOT!!!  We'll never let those idiots live this one down!  Not in a million gazillion years!

It seems to be quite heavy but we'll do this even if it takes two men and a goat.  Stiff upper lip lads.  All together now - HEAVE HO!!!

Arrrrrrghhhhh!!!

Hello, AAA?  This is Henry again. Uhh - we seem to have a small problem. Could you send another.... Yes, yes, I know you did...

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Editor's Comment:  I say "Get a horse!"
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What's what at the zoo

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Dear Readers,

There are some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for groups of animals to be found in the English language.

A group of jellyfish is called a smack, magpies a charm and mice a mischief. A group of otters is called a romp, tigers an ambush, pigs a litter.

There are prides of lions, exaltations of doves, murders of ravens, herds of asses, schools of fish and parliaments of owls.

A group of unicorns is called a blessing, kangaroos a mob, frogs an army, rhinos
a crash and whales a pod.

But let us now consider the baboon...one of the loudest, most dangerous, viciously aggressive and obnoxious of all primates.

So what pray tell, is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Yes, that's right...

A Congress!
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Editor's Comment:

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Why am I not surprised? I do think that the asses thing fits very well for a goodly number of our esteemed legislators.

G'Day Mate

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Dear Readers,

If you've ever thought about visiting "Down Under" there is a good deal of vital information that you should know beforehand.

Below are some problem areas that worried prospective tourists from around the world. Answered succinctly by the Bureau of Australian Tourism, budding fears were promptly put to rest.

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? Also, I have never seen it rain on TV. How do the plants grow? (India)
A: We import all plants fully grown then just sit around watching them die. Visit our Parliament and you'll find out about the wind part soon enough.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the streets? (UK)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking, Mate. Offhand, we'll give that one a YES... and by the way, they'll all be pink.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Scotland)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water. ________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? If so, would you please send me a complete list of those found in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (Qatar)
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (Japan)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-li-a is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not.. Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (Poland)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (Denmark)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (Italy)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.. Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) 
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Where will I be able to see some Aborigines? (Iceland) 
A: In the western part of the country, between Giant Rats and Scorpions (see map). Please come dressed in your native garb, as our Abos are quite fond of taking photos of tourists.
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: Please define the term "supermarket". We are a peaceful nation of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets. The King Brown is our favorite.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (Canada)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking beneath them. You can scare Drop Bears off easily by spraying yourself copiously with human urine before you go out for a hike.
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Q: I've developed a new product that acts like the Fountain of Youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (UK)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it properly first.
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Editor's Comment:
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Ohhh - Tie me kangaroo down sport, tie me kangaroo down...

Reading her lips

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Editor's Comments:
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For men only -
A brief primer of interpretation when dealing with MiLady:

What she said:     What she REALLY said:

1. Yes             No.

2. No              Yes.

3. Maybe           No.

4. We need         It better be here when I get home.

5. I'm sorry       But you'll be sorrier later
                   on... much sorrier.

6. We need to talk You're in serious trouble.

7. Sure, go ahead  Better not if you want to live.

8. I am not upset  Of course I'm upset you MORON.

9. Nothing         Something.

10.Fine            This discussion is over.

Commit this list to memory. Act accordingly for your very survival.

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When right turns to wrong...

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Editor's Comments:
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From The Editor's famous book Surviving Relationships with Them:

First, the axiom: If she asks at all, she indeed thinks that it does make her look fat.  So the truthful answer would be a resounding YES.

But yes, seemingly the right answer, is actually the WRONG answer.

Since the incidence of honest answers by boyfriends seems more than low on the chart, it looks like a lot of innocent shlumps have made the fatal mistake of opening their inexperienced yaps and blurting out the truth to MiLady's seemingly innocent, yet cruel and brutal question.

Once bitten, they figured out in short order that doing a little sidestep is the only way out of this mean-spirited, oft fatal vicious female trap.

The only possible answers allowing Mr. Studmuffin to escape with his life are all paradoxically expressed in company with an extreme look of pitiful beguiling innocence. They are:

1.  No my darling, you look ravishing.

2.  Fat?  You are NOT fat my sweet.

Note: At times these two answers require a behind the back King's X
to avoid being struck by lightning.

3.  Did the Braves win last night?

Note: Although slightly possible, this answer usually won't work if it's been raining for a solid week or it's during the winter time.

4.  Would you like some chocolate my dear?
Note: Requires real chocolate; not M&Ms.

5. I'll fix you a martini while you're making yourself impossibly beautiful, Gorgeous.
Note: PBR does not equate to a martini.

If none of these answers do the trick you are doomed for sure.

The only recourse is to fake a massive coronary with the hope that after your miraculous recovery it will all turn out OK in the wash.

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YMCA

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Editor's Comments:
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Whaddayatalkin' about?  I know the lyrics....

[clears throat... ahem...] 
Ohhhh - Yyyy M C A yada yada yada Yyyy M C A...

See?  The nerve!

The Worst of the Worst

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Dear Readers:

Of all the word processing programs available, IMHO Adobe has to be the most user unfriendly, the most frustrating, and the most hated of all.

Apparently these views are shared worldwide as the below graph is going viral on the internet.

Whenever I boot my first chore is to open Task Manager and stop Adobe Updater from eating my system resources. This saves a good deal of the bother involved with updates and reboots but at the most inconvenient times Adobe Updater rises from the dead like a mutant zombie and interrupts my work with not only glee, but obviously no concern whatsoever.

The only time I ever use Adobe is under protest... when there is absolutely no other choice available.

Fortunately for The Editor this occurs infrequently.

Particularly bothersome are occasions when at last I relent, click on Install update, and resign myself to the gruesome fate of enduring while Adobe plods along, its progress slower than my Aunt Fannie on a lame white mule in a blinding winter snowstorm.

And what do you know, when processing finally grinds to a halt the maddening notification shamefully taunts:

Already installed on this computer

It's enough to drive a man to drink...

Make mine a double.

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Editor's Comment:  Truer words were never spoken,
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Yeah Yeah Yeah

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Dear Readers:

Whether you're a Beatles fan or not, Beatlemania remains an epic period of music all over the world.

Since I've been an instrumentalist at heart from the git-go, I paid about as much attention to the lyrics of their songs as I do to background music at a local supermarket. But now a more probable explanation for my lack of attention has surfaced.

Consider the below graph, then judge for yourself.

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Editor's Comment:  See what I mean?  Ohhhh - Eleanor Rigby...
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The Couch Potato

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I asked The Lord to tell me,
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked Are you 'computering'?
I had to answer Yes.

He said Get off your fanny!

Tidy up that dirty house!
And so I started cleaning off...
The smudges on my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick.

Admiring my fantastic work,

I didn't mean to 'click'.

But click I did, and oops I found
A fascinating site.

I fell SO far into its lore,
Was up for half the night.

Now, nothing's clean except my mouse

And that is more than dumb.
I guess my house will stay a mess.
I'm sitting here, still on my bum.

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Editor's Comments:

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The sordid truth revealed at last,The Editor mans up and tells it like it is...

... in Haiku:

  Ugly secret out

Still, I live in denial
The vacuum unused

Dust on the mantle
My finger leaves a clear trail
Oh, for a good maid

 Dishes still unwashed

The sink overflows daily

I am out of plates

Bathroom quite scary
We'd better not go there now
Close eyes in shower

I am too busy

Will do housework tomorrow

Today, my day off

Now... time for housework
But wait, have to mow lawn first
Housework second place

  Plight clearly my fault
  Oh why do I live alone

  We kept house so clean

Ah, so...

Signed:

氏はずぼらな人

(Zuborana hito-san - Mr. Slob)