Saturday, July 4, 2009

Hooousecleaning...


Watch your step Dept:
.
... sign at the front desk of a Tokyo hotel ...
.
.....YOU ARE INVITED TO
.........TAKE ADVANTAGE
.....................of the
..........CHAMBERMAID
.
*******************
Editor's Comment:

*******************

What they didn't say is that she's a 4th degree black belt...
.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Surf's Up


Bizzare Combinations Dept:

********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
Stretching my imagination to its limits, I come up with only three conclusions to the message sent by this otherwise curious billboard:

1) .It's an advertisement about a Bible class.
2) They are currently up to the book of Exodus...
3) ... reading about the Israelites and the parting of the Red Sea.

I wonder if Moses knew how to hang ten?

Maybe they'll find out. I'll keep you posted.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

"Breaking" News


Do Tell! Dept:

Headline:
.
..........TREES CAN BREAK WIND!

.........Wind can be a major factor in the in-
.........crease of winter heating bills.
.........
.........A natural way to lessen the effect of
.........the wind significantly is to use trees
.........as a windbreak...

********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
So THAT'S what has been waking me up all night long!

I have this big oak just outside my bedroom window and I'm more than sure that it must be the culprit.
.
It's probably payback for the time when I cut off all its lower branches with a chain-saw to keep the neighborhood kids from climbing it.
.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce...


Expensive Misprints Dept:

.............BUY ONE
.......GET ONE FREE
................14 LB.
......CHEESEBURGER
...................***
..............1 Coupon
...........Per Customer
...............Per Visit
...................***
.............This coupon
............not valid with
............other specials.

*******************
Editor's Comment:
*******************
Oh please please please... pleeeease... let it be true just this one time and I promise never to ask for anything ever again!.EVER!

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Peek-a-boo... I see you!

.Signs of the Times:
.......................________________
......................|...REAL ESTATE.-|--------------------------*
......................|..INFORMATION.|KE Stocktin CA.....-|
......................|..............**..............|NUDIST Supplies-.|
......................|.NO DRESS CODE.|........------>......-..-.....|
......................|.....Stop 'n chat!.- .|GULAR GAS 2.87--.|
......................|______.._______|---------------------------*
................................-....|...................-.......|
...............................-.....|....................-......|..
................................-....|..-....................._/\_
.............................-...._/\_

********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
When I saw these signs on a recent trip out west, I stopped at the Real Estate office to see if there were any interesting customers inside.

After I signed a six-month lease for a house with a second-story win- dow overlooking two beaches, I decided to try and find out exactly what the difference was between nudist supplies and regular supplies.

When I went in the gas station to see for myself.I was told that all they sell is suntan lotion and beer.

I couldn't even buy a pair of trunks!!

Can you imagine?

Oh well... when in Rome...

Monday, June 29, 2009

Population Earth


Roadsign of the times:
.
.............EARTH
.........City Limits
.......... pop. 2191
..........-..-.....2193
......-.......-... 2189
....-..........-...2185
..-.............-..2183
.
********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
This is the sign that greeted Rod Taylor (The Time Traveler) in the original take of H.G. Wells' The Time Machine when he stopped in the year 802,701 A.D. and found the entire human race represented by:

Eloi...
... the lovable good guys; lacking the brains that God gave a billy- goat, flaxen-haired spiritless weenies helpless as fish-out-of-water.
and...
Morlocks...
... the despicable bad guys; monsters all, who had a nasty habit of dining on grilled fillet of plump juicy Eloi every chance they got.
.
The scene hit the cutting room floor when it was discovered that due to a recent holiday bash by the Morlocks, the count of Earth's inhabi- tants had been reduced by some 14 Eloi.
.
As we all know, later in the movie Rod took care of all the Morlocks in short order and as a result, saved the Eloi from total extinction.
.
Yaaaaay!! .Way to go ROD!!
.
He did this brave deed not to be macho, not to be a hero, not even to nobly save mankind from extermination, but to give himself a chance at sweet-talking childlike, innocent and gullible Yvette Mimieaux...
Weena;the stunning Eloi equivalent of a dumber-than-dumb blond..
... into making a serious effort towards restoring the population count of Earth to a more respectable level.
.
This is also why he left his 19th century friends, his home, his beloved laboratory and his 1st-Class-A-Number-1-Housekeeper Mrs. Watchett once and for all at the end of the show.
.
They thought that he'd stumbled -in great disarray yet- allll the way back to 1899 from 802,701 just to eat a dinner of leg-of-lamb, boiled potatoes and peas with them; afterwards giving a ho-hum synopsis on the most recent developments of his farfetched experiments in time.

How naive; but in a word...

Not!!
.
As a matter of .fact, although.he could deal with the boiled .potatoes and peas part quite well, he had always secretly detested leg-of-lamb.

However as a staunch true-blue and loyal Englishman, he could never quite bring himself to actually say so out-loud.
.
Really all he wanted to do was grab a toothbrush, his straight-razor, pipe and slippers, a tin or so of Earl Grey, and a couple of changes of shorts before madly dashing away from London fog, his stodgy cigar-smoking friends and leg-of-lamb forever; far far away-back to the dis- tant future and into Yvette's eagerly waiting arms for all of eternity.
.
And so he did! .How EXCITING!!

It didn't even matter that in his haste he had quite forgotten to bring along milk for his afternoon tea because...

HE HAD A TIME MACHINE!!
.
What a happy ending!!

.I wonder if he could use some help ...

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Load Limit


Roadsign of the times:
.
.........10 TON BRIDE AHEAD
.
*******************
Editor's Comment: .
*******************
Extra good on a cold winter's night...

Saturday, June 27, 2009

The Five Star Establishment


Wait, wait... don't go away...
you don't understand Dept:


Seen at a Mexico City hotel reassuring its out-of-country visitors that...
.
.........THE MANAGER HAS
...... PERSONALLY
PASSED
...THE WATER SERVED HERE!
.
********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
From all I have heard about the water in Mexico, even this would be a big improvement...it's Dos Equis and a lime for me, thanks anyway.
.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Mr. and Mrs. John Smith...


Fractured English Dept:

...seen at a Paris hotel asking guests to...
.
...PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES
..........AT THE FRONT DESK!
.
*******************
Editor's Comment: .Mais oui... always when in Parée...
*******************

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Throwin' in the towel...


Politically Correct Dept:
.
Notice seen in rooms at a Tokyo hotel in an attempt to stop the age-old custom of pinching the towels...
.
.......IT IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL
......THE HOTEL TOWEL PLEASE!
.
... and politely added below ...
.
..........If .you are not the person to
..........do.such bad thing,.kindly
..........don't to read.above notice.
.
*******************
Editor's Comment: .Notice? .What notice...
*******************

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Calling All Cars


Dragnet Dept:
.
A Texas magazine reported that the Auston Police Department and Cheyenne County Sheriff's Office apologized for arresting the wrong Bob Brown a total of 14 times.
.
********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
What is amazing is that each of the Bobs was a different person. The cops had to go to 12 different cities in 3 counties to accomplish this unlikely feat and even then, they never did find the right guy.
.
I wonder if they spelled his name wrong?

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Made From Scratch (almost) Cornbread


Dear Readers:
As so often happens, even though it is only 6:00 in the morning, visions of  Texas Jailhouse Chili dance ever through my mind. This is not at all that unusual since when it comes to TJC and yours truly, the time of day matters not a bit.

Suddenly, it dawns on The Editor that the compliment to TJC has yet to be published. .This oversight must not be allowed to prevail!!
.
So... up and out of bed... quickly now...
.................................................***
Here is a recipe that uses any old cheap commercial mix as a base then, with some easy add-ons has it all comin' out like it was home- made from scratch cornbread just like Grandma used to make.
.................................................***
Equipment:
1 medium-sized black cast iron skillet
1 large plate (bigger than the skillet)
1 smaller plate (bigger than the cornbread)
..2 large plates is OK
no-stick kitchen spray
hotpad (2 is better)
.
Ingredients:
1 package plain old regular cornbread mix - ($.40 at the grocery)
..(I use the kind where you add milk and an egg)
3 T bacon drippings
2 T flour
1 T sugar
1 t baking powder (powder... NOT baking soda!)
1 t white vinegar
..(vinegar and milk is the old-timer's kitchen sub for buttermilk.)
1/2 C cracklins (optional) -.cracklins - NOT, repeat NOT chitlins!!
..I made that mistake once.. it was really nasty.. stop laffin' !!!
.
Directions:
Heat the oven to the temperature on the cornbread mix package.
To give it time, do this before you begin assembling the ingredients.
.
As soon as you turn the oven on, spray the inside of the cast-iron skillet, add the bacon drippings, then put the skillet into the pre-heating oven... next-to-top rung.
.
In a large pyrex bowl add the mix, dry ingredients, and stir well.
.
Following the directions on the mix package, add everything else but the vinegar and drippings... milk, egg, water, whatever. Stir well.
.
By this time, the oven should be pretty good and hot. .Using a hot- pad, remove the .skillet from the oven, pour the now smoking hot bacon drippings all at once into the cornbread mix, and stir well.
.
Add the vinegar and (what-again?) stir well.
.
Pour the whole shebang into the still hot skillet, then put it all back into the oven... as before, on the next-to-top rung.
.
Set your kitchen timer for a couple of minutes before the baking time that the mix package says. You'll want to monitor the final stages so that your cornbread doesn't come out scorched or underdone.
.
Tips:
1. Underdone cornbread will stick to the bottom of the skillet.
2. If the bread is toasty on top and the sides have pulled away
....from the edge of the skillet slightly, it's ready.
3. Stick a kitchen knife into the middle of the loaf (I don't). If
....it comes out dry, it's ready. A toothpick works too.
4. Avoid opening/closing the oven door a lot as you lose heat.
5. If the loaf sticks to the skillet, use a pie server or something
....of that nature to unstick it... also don't... nah - you wouldn't
....use a plastic pie server on a blazing hot cast-iron skillet now...
.......would you???
.
When done, using a good thick hotpad (I use 2), take the HOT-and I mean HOT - skillet out of the oven, put the large plate on top and flip it quickly, dumping the cornbread neatly onto the large plate.

Put the small plate over the top of the cornbread and flip the whole ball-of-wax over again. This way your bread is right-side-up on the small plate with almost no muss, fuss, or bother.
.
If you want to try and get the cornbread out of the skillet onto a plate without using 2 plates, especially if it's stuck just a smidgen, go ahead and try but don't be surprised if it gets ugly.
.
Be VERY careful with the hot cast-iron skillet, even when cooling it down with cold water in the sink as it will steam more than a Mississippi Riverboat Queen at full speed in mid-channel on a clear day.
.
Note: When you pour cold water into the HOT skillet, do NOT get your hotpad wet. .If you do, you'll be sorry!

If you aren't worried about forgetting that the skillet is still blazing hot and picking it up anyway like I did once you can leave it on the stove to cool naturally although this heats up the kitchen some... a good thing in the winter time.
.
Let the cornbread cool slightly and ENJOY!!
.
Made From Scratch (almost) Cornbread is excellent with TJC, Homemade Vegetable Beef Soup, collards, or as a late-night snack, crumbled up in a bowl with cold milk.
.
Note:
If you have to go out and buy a black cast-iron skillet, season it first by spraying the inside part with kitchen oil, adding salt, again covering the inside part, and heating in a 500 degree oven for 60 minutes. Do not EVER put a cast-iron skillet in the dishwasher. If you do, you'll end up with the biggest pile of rust you ever saw...
.

Monday, June 22, 2009

A Clean Getaway


A burglar, still at large, really did clean up when he robbed the apartment of Stephanie Potts.
.
Potts said her stereo and a long list of other things were stolen but the apart- ment was left spotless.
.
The burglar vacuumed, washed dirty dishes, mopped the kitchen floor, and scrubbed the tub after taking a shower.
.
Her furniture was even rearranged.
.
"I was kind of glad that the apartment was spiffed up..." a bewildered Potts said, "... but where's my stuff?"
.
*******************
Editor's Comment:
*******************

The case was closed when Potts finally remembered that after a heav- ier-than-usual binge of drinking the night before, she had gone home to her sister's apartment instead of her own.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Ten-HUT!


Spare Tire Dept:

A U.S. Army officer seeking promotion must submit a full-length .photograph as part of .the .promotion review process according to The Army Times, which reported that one overweight officer lay on the floor and had the photo taken from above, his excess bag- gage not readily apparent as it sagged to the back.

"However," reported the Times, "the man's shoes curled upward showing the soles, which gave him away to the Board."

*******************
Editor's comment:
*******************
Reviewers also expressed curiosity as to the desk hanging on the wall and the mouse hole in the ceiling.
.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Herbicide or Dressing?


Sign of the times:
.................
.........................Ἀπολλύων
.................APOLLYŌN BROS.
.....................Farmers Market
..............................and
......................Garden Centre
..............................***
.....................IT'S TIME TO
.................KILL CRABGRASS
.............. ...............***
.................SALAD BAR IS OPEN!
.
*******************
Editor's Comment:
*******************
Vinegar, Round-Up, and just a touch of ground DDT for me thanks...

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Party Pooper


Rabble Rouser Dept:
.
Dateline:
Bandung, Indonesia
.
At a political rally in Bandung, the main speaker Abdullah Pussamaatamadja, challenged citizens to spend less time sitting on the toilet and going to parties, and more time demanding both their constitutional and civic rights.
.
He was quoted as saying:

"If you go to the lavatory, do not sit there too long because it is unnecessary. That kind of attitude is not what Indonesia wants."
.
Pussamaatamadja also criticized the Indonesian habits of giving parties when dating, when getting married, after giving birth, for
the first haircut, when...
.
His parting advice urged all Indonesians to complain more at for- eign owned hotels so as to get better service and more amenities.
.
-The **** Globe News
*********************
Editor's Comments:
*********************
It sounds to me like this guy might be permanently constipated.
.
After research, it came to light that that Pussamaatamadja initially developed his bad attitude when he found out that his name was too long to write on the divider of the commode stall in the men's room.