Installing Windows XP

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DACOL Dept:

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Editor's Comment:
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Big Brother's ugly invasive methodology hard at work...
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Note: DACOL = Data Collection

The Straight Skinny 101

Who'da thunk it Dept:

Ladies and Gentlemen:

It would benefit each of you to pay close attention and take notes as there will be a short quiz follow- ing today's lecture on Facts to File and Forget.
1.

American cars beep the tone of F.
Yes they do. This stands for f--- off, you $%#^$ miserable idiot!!
2.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
Stranger is the fact that this is also true for the queen of hearts.
3.
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Whaddayamean they don't know I'm there. Are they $*^&#@ blind?
I'm there! ... and they know I'm there!!  I have the bites to prove it!
4.
Apples, not caffeine are more efficient at waking you up mornings.
When thrown accurately, this is more than true.
5.
The plastic thingys on the end of shoe laces are called aglets.
This is the main reason that I wear loafers. Ever since the 2nd grade when I missed "aglet" on a spelling test, I've disliked them.
6.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
Right. I guess this is the reason I'm replacing all those dust filters between my heating/AC units and the interior of the house every month...to screen out all that nasty dead skin trying to get in from the great out-of-doors.
7.
The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
I wonder if he tried to sue the way that idiots do today?
8.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
I'll bet the IRS doesn't know that.
9.
Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have had her head shown on a Pez dispenser.
What was HER full name? I'll bet the IRS doesn't know that either. And what the hell is a Pez dispenser?
10.
The soft drink 7-UP was created in 1929.
7 was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces.
UP indicated the direction of the bubbles. 
It would be very cool if they could make the bubbles go down some way.  No, wait...'7-Down' wouldn't market that well would it...
11.
The albatross drinks sea water. It has a special desalinization appara- tus that strains out and excretes all excess salt.
I've often pondered as to why albatross poop is white.  Now I know.
Thank you ever so much for bringing this to my attention.
12.
Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
She had a kid? Durn... I never knew... was he the one with the slight limp, the spastic right arm, and the ridiculous little mustache?
13. Marilyn Monroe had six toes. 
The other four were cut off on a camping trip which made her off balance for the rest of her life. This is why her butt moved around
the way it did when she walked. In all other areas of the anatomy department, Marilyn was 1st class A-number-one. It's interesting
knowing about the toes, but to tell the honest truth, I never really paid much attention to the toes part of her.
14.
A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why,.
I know why!
It's because ducks don't go to the Grand Canyon, lean over the side and yell Hellooooo.  Now you also know why.  Aren't you happy?
15.
All porcupines float in water.
Except when they're in the desert or maybe up a tree somewhere.

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Quiz:

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
1.Which ones were they?

2.Did Adolf Hitler have human parents or was he an alien?
If you think that Adolf Hitler had human parents:
    a. What was the last name of his mother?
    b. What was the last name of his father?
    c. Were his parents of the opposite sex?
If you think that Adolf Hitler was an alien:
    d. What planet did he call home? 
    Note: Do not consider California as a valid answer.

Besides floating:
3.What else does a porcupine do in the water?

Given that all porcupines float in the water:

4.What is it that all bears do in the woods?

Ducks do not yell Hellooooo when they go to the Grand Canyon.
5.What DO they yell?
    a. Geronimo
    b. Quack

The 1st owner of Marlboro died of lung cancer.

6.Did he smoke after sex? 
    a. Yes he did.
    b. No; he just laid there trying to reach his flash point. 
    c. Unknown; if he ever looked to see, he's not telling. 

Hypothesis: The 1st owner of Marlboro sues for damages: 
7.Will the idiot jury realize that he is already dead?
    a. No; they will show him the money.
    b. Yes; they will show him the money anyway. 

The name 7-UP was selected by an advertising firm and approved by marketing BEFORE the size of the bottle had been fixed.
8.How many meetings did it take before upper management realized
    that it might be a good idea if 7-UP was sold in 7 ounce bottles?

9.How many meetings did it take for them to realize that the bubbles
    always went UP no matter how they held an unopened bottle?

10.Did upper management take all the credit for naming 7-UP?
      a. You must be joking... of course they did!
      b. No, they gave full credit to their advertising firm.
          Note: b. will be considered a wrong answer.

11.What wakes you up best in the morning.
      a. Coffee
      b. Apples
      c. Some sort of physical activity best unnamed at the moment.

The queen of hearts, like the king of hearts, has no mustache.

12.Do you think that she waxes?
      a. Yes
      b. No; she uses a straight razor.

13.Do you own a Barbie doll?
      a. Yes I do.
      b. No; I used to, but now I have a pit bull. 

Plastic thingys on the end of shoe laces are called aglets.

14.What is the bottom part of the shoe called?
      a. The sole
      b. The soul
      c. The bottom part of the shoe

Bonus question:
What the hell is a Pez dispenser?

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Editor's Comment:  More to come in future blogs... maybe.
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Shocking... simply shocking!!

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Highlander Dept:

Headline:

             KILLER SENTENCED TO CHAIR
              FOR THIRD TIME IN 10 YEARS

Tonight, Duncan McCloud  of  the clan McCloud,
convicted serial killer who beheaded his victims
with a 16th century broadsword, will face execu-
tion for the third time since his appeal was...

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Editor's Comments:
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These people obviously do not watch that much TV.

If they did, they'd know that the only way you can rid yourself of an immortal for good is to take his head.

There can be only one!!

In France this sort of foul-up has not happened since Madame La- Farge taught the bourgeois how to do things right the first time.

Knit one, purl two...

Dear Old Rogers High

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Alma Mater Dept:

Class Reunions:

                 OLD SCHOOL PILLARS ARE
                     REPLACED BY ALUMNI

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Editor's Comments:
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This makes me think twice about going to my 50th High School reunion in a couple of years since my idea of being remembered for eterni- ty doesn't  include becoming a watering point for every stray dog in town that happens by.

I'll bet the pillars don't even have the year and name of old Joe Whatshisface at the bottom. 

No matter... I have a bad back anyway.

Baker's Secret

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Honey I ate the kids Dept:

Family Section:
                         INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN
                           WHEN BAKING COOKIES

-The Ardmore Daily Democrat
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Editor's Comments: 
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Englebert Humperdinck (1854-1921) was a famous  German compos- er, and as I recall not only from my undergraduate days, but also my early childhood, he wrote an opera about this sort of thing.

Now I just KNOW all  of  you  think  that The Editor has it wrong this time... that this Hum- perdinck guy is not really an opera composer at all... that he is actually a famous singer who performs in Las Vegas all the time... and he is, he is.  But the pop singer's real name is Arnold George Dorsey. He took his stage name, Engle- bert Humperdinck, from the  well-known 19th century composer of... you guessed it...

Hansel and Gretel (Hänsel und Gretel).

I wonder if the Humperdinck boys like(d) chocolate chips?

The Back Nine

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Sandtrap Dept:

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Headline:
                  SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG
                   HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66
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Editor's Comments:
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Unfortunately Mr. N. was disqualified when it was found that, count- ing the leg, he had one club too many in his bag.
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On top of that, even though he made a great shot with the leg, on in- spection it was found not to meet rigid standards of the PGA since it was composed of more than 40% cellulite, a banned substance.
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Sorry Jackson...

The Big Game

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You'll pay for that Dept:

Headline:
                    CHRIST the KING
                AIMS FOR REVENGE

        Christ the King, eliminated at the
        4AAA  State  Championships last
        year by DeWitters, will face their
        crosstown rivals on Friday at...

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Editor's Comment:
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HE's baaaack... and THIS time he brought his DAD!! 
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Two to one odd(s)

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Double take Dept:

Headline:
                      SIAMESE TWINS TO
                            JOIN PARENTS

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Editor's Comment: 
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I wonder where they went to Med school?

Tossed Salad

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Bulls-eye Dept:
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Dateline New London:
Headline:
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              PEDESTRIAN SERIOUSLY
                   INJURED BY TURNIP

Police are investigating the assault of a man
who was seriously injured after being hit by
a turnip launched by a slingshot Thursday.

The attack  was  apparently  carried out by a
gang whose members have been hurling veg-
gies at random passers-by for several days.

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Editor's Comments:
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There was an immediate hue-and-cry to control  all  purchase and use of turnips using background checks, fingerprinting, a 24-hour waiting period and mandatory license to carry a concealed turnip.

Cooler heads prevailing, it was determined that Second Amendment rights must  not  be  eroded, so hastily formed congressional commit- tees tabled the issue of turnip control with no further discussion.

You betcha!!

When turnips are outlawed, only outlaws will have turnips!!

Open Wide

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Old Wives' Tales Dept:
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                       GAPEIN
              DENTAL GROUP

            OUR GIFT TO YOU
                and your family!

Call our office within 20 days and
our gift to you will .be a complete
consultation, exam and x-rays for
a charge of only one dollar.

We welcome you and your loved...

Open 7 a.m. - 7 p.m. we invite you
to make our office your dental...

We specialize in chickens and we
provide .full .time on-site day care,
available for all of your small ones.
.
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Editor's Comments:
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Well I never!   I did not think that chickens had any teeth at all!

That goes to show that you learn something every day altho I think I remember an old saying that had to do with hen's teeth being scarce.

I guess it was all a story.

The Help(less) Desk

Customer NoService Dept:

Headline:
                      SHOPPERS DIDN'T
                   NOTICE DEAD CLERK!

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Editor's Comments: 
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Excuse me, where could I find the... hello?
Uhhhh... excuse me... excuuuse meeeee...

Hellohellohello??

Lost at sea

Survivor Man Dept:
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Headline:

                    8 missing in Gulf with only

                      crackers, gum and beer!
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Editor's Comments:

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...and?

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This sounds like a dream vacation to me.

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Think of it... the sun, the solitude, the ongoing spectacle of sounding whales, the euphony of gently slapping waves against the shattered remnants of your faithful and once sturdy, yet erstwhile craft...

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To be perfectly honest, a case of Velveeta along with a gallon jar of large Kosher garlic dills would make things that much better.

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Oh yeah... lest we forget, add in a good supply of Vienna sausage.

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And then there's the issue of ice for the brewskis...

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Nahhh - that's asking for way too much.

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Let it be...

Men are from Mars...

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Editor's Comments:
******************
This poor schmoe has to be young, a mistake most of us have made at one time or another, especially if it occurred in our early years.
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As The Editor has progressed down the path of life, he has become an expert at the art of translating common utterances of MiLady, a skill that has undoubtedly saved his life more than once.
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To spare my naive males readers the frustration resulting from literal translations of femalespeak, find below a brief primer on the subject.
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Men:
1. Read it.
2. Memorize it.
3. Don't ever forget it.

You'll never be sorry!

....................WOMANESE.
What she "said":....What she REALLY said:.
1.Yes...............No
2.No................Yes
3.Maybe.............No
4.We need...........I want
5.I'm sorry.........You'll be sorrier later on.
6.We need to talk...You're in serious trouble.
7.Sure, go ahead....Want to live? You'd better not.
*see newspaper ad above
8.I am not upset....Of course I'm upset, you moron.
9.Nothing...........Something
10.Finel............This discussion is over.

Women:
Please submit additions or corrections to The Editor. He will be everlastingly grateful!

The BIG Boss

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Penthouse Dept:

*******************
Editor's Comment: Going up? - or going down!...
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Nowhere to run...

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Nowhere to hide Dept:

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Editor's Comment: .I hope to GOD that's Batman...
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The J.D.

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Homewrecker's Dept:
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Dateline: Bucks ND
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....BUCKS MAN ADMITS TO ATTACKING
........HOUSE - MUST GO TO FLORIDA
.
Kevin McReynolds who pleaded guilty last April
to attackinglhislnext door neighbor's home with
a chainsawlwilllbe paroled next week and requir-
ed to live with his parents in Pensacola, Florida.
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Editor's Comments:
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The parents contend that the sentence is in contempt of a decision by a Florida court which ordered Kevin to leave their home and move to North Dakota a scant 6 months ago when he dismantled and sold their front porch to a shady housing constructor at a local auction.
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Kevin is not real happy either because he knows that Mom will make him sit in the corner in his bad boy chair for at least a month.
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