The Solution

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M1A1 .50 caliber Clarinet with night-vision scope

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Editor's Comments:
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The Editor has just read that the purpose of this fine weapon is for use on singers who abuse the National Anthem at sporting events.

Roseanne, watch your back!

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The Conductor

.

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Editor's Comment:
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Too many stick-wavers out there couldn't conduct electricity if their life depended on it... but the ensemble has no choice but to suffer on in silent, unspeakable and tortuous agony.

Persuading them to give up the stick in the name of humanity is all but impossible. All plausible attempts at reason go either unheard, unnoticed or flat ignored.

Good Phaedeux... good doggie.  Better still, "good luck".
.

It ain't rocket science, folks.

.

The budget explained in simple English:

Federal Budget:                   $3,820,000,000,000 
 United States Tax Revenue:       $2,170,000,000,000

 New Debt:                        $1,650,000,000,000

National Debt:                   $14,271,000,000,000

Recent Budget Cuts by Washington     $38,500,000,000

(of which our politicians are so smugly proud)

Now, remove 8 zeros. Pretend it's your household budget:

Money the Family Spent:           $38,200
 Annual Family Income:            $21,700

 New Credit Card Debt:            $16,500

Outstanding Credit Card Balance: $142,710

Recent Emergency Spending Cuts:      $385

(to balance the family budget, you know)
.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

.
*****************
Editor's Comment: Vote on Tuesday November 6, 2012!
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The Birds

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Albino Ruby-throated Hummingbird

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 Editor's Comments:

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Dear Readers,

You may wonder how it is that this bird is identified as a ruby-throated hummingbird when it doesn't have a ruby throat.

Then again, you may not wonder at all. But dollars to pesos, you more than likely have no idea about this vexing anomaly so I am going to tell you anyway.

This particular bird, photographed in Staunton,Virginia, is definitely a ruby-throated hummingbird because in the U.S. of A. they are the only hummingbirds found in the wild east of the Mississippi river.

Now you know.  Aren't you simply thrilled to the core?

* * *

Lately The Editor has become quite the expert on birds.  Living in what was but recently rural Georgia, there are still lots of different types flying around the house at any given time.

Cardinals, finches, robins, hummingbirds, blue jays, catbirds, hawks, blackbirds, meadowlarks, woodpeckers, bluebirds and of course common nuisance birds, sparrows, pigeons, and crows.

I've even seen a couple of hoot owls.  Owls and crows are mortal enemies since there is nothing tastier to a big predator owl than a plump, young and tender, juicy, crow right out of the nest.

While I've eaten crow a couple of times, it wasn't the "down the hatch, lick your chops" kind of crow, so I wouldn't know if a real live crow was tender and juicy or tough as an old combat boot. But owls seem to be quite knowledgeable in this area.

Up here in Deliverance country I've seen flocks of crows protecting their own, circling and harassing lone-wolf owls to death.  Poor old owl...

But I digress...

Sitting out on my deck, I saw so many different kinds of birds that I decided to put up a couple of bird feeders... at least for awhile.

So I trotted off to Lowe's and bought a contraption that looked like a little Japanese castle with sitting pegs sticking out all over. I also bought a plain old Bb hummingbird feeder. A sack of bird seed and a bit of red nectar for the hummers finished off the show and I was in business, ...or so it seemed.

But it wasn't a done deal. Not yet.

I quickly found that I had to put the bird feeder in a place where squirrels couldn't get to it, but hanging it from the soffit over thin air did the trick.

Delighted when my hummingbird feeder attracted several ruby-throated hummingbirds (like I was thinking it'd attract a bald eagle or a chicken hawk or maybe a turkey vulture), I took it down after a gang of Mafia type hummers began guarding the chow hall 24/7 for their own, refusing all other hummingbirds their turn at the feeding trough. This, I could not allow.

I took the bird feeder down too when, try as I may, I couldn't keep red wasps from nesting inside, as they seemed ecstatic at the protection from the elements that they'd just conveniently discovered.

Wasps do good things in the garden, but invading my bird feeder was way out of line. They like to nest under my second-story deck too, but a can of wasp spray that shoots a 20-foot stream of high-powered venom takes care of that problem in short order.

I'll tolerate wasps as long as they stay away from me. One time I got stung when I was going inside from the deck. That wasp quickly became history as did a good number of others when they tried to have their way with The Editor.

The bird feeders down, I was lonely... I was depressed...

What to do?

To be continued...

Stay tuned to see what The Editor did in... The Rocks

.

The Rocks

... continued from The Birds as promised.

The bird feeders down, I was lonely... I was depressed... 

What to do?

I thought briefly about getting some fish, but decided that fish were out too.

Back in the 60's I experienced sharing problems with my aquarium in Korea. Things got quite ugly.

I had many different kinds of fish, but the angel fish would guard the tubifex worms from all the other fish after the boss angel fish decided that only angel fish were allowed to graze.

The angel fish MP's even killed my Siamese fighting fish whenever they would try to sneak in for a quick and harmless midnight snack.

The kissing gouramis, tetras, oscars, and goldfish were pushovers for the angels, but the bullies had their share of trouble any time they tried to tangle with the big Jack Dempsys.  Still, they prevailed.

I guess the mistake I made was putting three types of aggressive fish together.  But I was an amateur and didn't know any better.

I should have asked an expert or Googl'ed some information but I couldn't find any experts that spoke English and in 1968 the luxury of the internet wasn't yet available to the general public. Besides, back then Google wasn't even a dream. Even PC's (personal computers) hadn't been invented.

As we all know when Mr. Jobs finally did his thing, Forrest Gump and Lt. Dan made a killing when the good Lieutenant bought a gazillion shares of Apple Computers with profits from Bubba Gump Shrimp Inc.

Having given up on birds and aquariums, I searched in vain for a pet that was practical for me. After a good number of failures, at last I emerged victorious having found the perfect companion.

... a pet rock! 

Stop laffin'!  This is my very own rock and it loves me!!

I became quite sure of this when every time that I walked around in the back yard it always managed to trip me up no matter how careful I was.

Seemingly an accident, this occurred frequently enough to discount as chance, so I decided that in its own way this rock was trying to bond with me!

Touched beyond words, I adopted it as my very own. I did this on the sly since I wasn't sure if there were applications, procedures for adoption, or fees to pay and I didn't want to get into any of that bureaucratic nonsense.

I felt that my first obligation as a pet owner was to find a name for my rock.

I thought about Ralph, Phaedeux, Spot... the possibilities were endless.

After several sleepless nights I'd pared my names list down to two. I was inclined to choose Iggy, but after thinking about it, settled on the perfect choice - Rocky!!  Eureka!!

Rocky was simple, to the point, self-explaining, and I wouldn't have to clarify that Iggy was short for igneous to everyone under the sun.

Besides, Iggy would be wrong since Rocky is clearly sedimentary.

Since I've had my pet, I've found that it's very even tempered which allows for  unlimited potential and options in the area of Master/pet involvement.

When I travel it's always right there in the same place I left it when I get home.  Even if I should ignore this amazing rock for days on end, it never complains.

Rocky never interrupts when I'm talking either which is unusual, but still... how refreshing is that??

Note: Certain unnamed people could take a valuable lesson from this.

It also listens patiently as I try to teach it tricks or bring in the newspaper.

Note: With a little help, Rocky has learned to sit up and roll over quite nicely but so far I haven't had any luck at all with the newspaper thing.

Maybe I should teach it to read the funny papers to pique its interest. I don't know. I'm quite stubborn, so I'll keep trying.

Rocky is very tolerant and forgiving. I can leave it plain gray, paint it purple with white polka dots, or decorate it for Christmas.

I can even use it for target practice when I take a break from the yard work and need to whiz. It doesn't seem to mind any of these indignities.

Paint a blue-tick coonhound purple, tie little pink ribbons on its fur and hang ridiculous rhinestone jewelry all over it the way some silly people do to their pet poodles in California.

Then whiz on it for good measure and see what happens. I'll tell you what happens; It gets real nasty, real fast!

Caution: Don't you dare ask how I know about this!!

While my new pet rock has many virtues, the one I really love is that it's very very low-maintenance.

I don't have to feed Rocky, water it, clean up after it, give it shots, buy it a license, or board it when I travel.

My pet is also exempt from Bartow County's leash law and will protect me if I am in danger... depending of course on the accuracy of my throwing arm.

Isn't that more than wonderful?

Even though I've heard that under some circumstances big rocks turn into little rocks, I'm very protective of Rocky and don't have to have it fixed, so this oft worrisome problem conveniently turns into a non-issue.

It may seem like I'm trying to be politically correct by calling Rocky an it but even Google hasn't been able to tell me how to tell a man rock from a woman rock. Until I find out, it will have to do.

Curious, I took Rocky to a local vet with the idea of asking about man and woman rocks.  But for some odd reason when I told the receptionist my problem I was laughed out of the office, not only by her, but everyone in the waiting room.  Even the dogs and cats and pet gerbils were hoo-hah-ing and rolling around on the floor kicking their legs up in the air with tears running down their faces.

The whole thing was quite embarrassing.

Discouraged, I took Rocky back to the protection of our own yard then gave up trying to find out about him and her rocks. As it stands, even if it became necessary I wouldn't know how to go about the fixing part anyway.

After all, the fixing process is quite different for he and she pets.

I'll never be quite sure if Rocky is the right name either.

If he's a she, I should have named my new pet Rockette. We'll probably never know for sure, so no harm done... I guess... I hope...

Now I've saved the best part about owning a pet rock for last.

I've heard it said around town that the common rock is very long-lived and I believe it because there seems to be part of an ancient inscription crudely chiseled on Rocky's back.

Something about Thou Shalt Not...

There are also faint etchings of small leaves and a freshwater snail imbedded in Rocky's surface.

This tells me that my best friend has already been around for quite awhile.

Hooray!!

If Rocky doesn't meet with an unforeseen accident some way, I'm hoping that I now have a pet for life. Managing to survive for eons, even avoiding all of the big trucks, sledgehammers, shovels and whatnot that was laying around when my place was being built, it's seemingly led a charmed life.

This makes a lot of sense because the Arapaho Indians have an old saying:

Only the rocks live forever!

Under my watchful eye I think that my newfound pet is completely out of danger... at least for the immediate future. We'll have to wait and see.

Wish us luck and hope for a happy ending.

I have to go outside and play now.

Heeere Rocky, Rocky, Rocky...

Come on boy, ahhh girl, ahhh... hmmm! [sigh]

.

Where has the time gone?

.

Dear Readers,

Forty-five years ago today, January 10, 1967, I raised my right hand and became a member of The United States Army.

Here is the oath I swore to our country:

I, James Hickerson, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice.

So help me God.

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Editor's Comments:
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When I think back to that long-ago time forty-five years ago, it almost seems like yesterday.  But when I think of all that's transpired since then, it's like I've lived
several wonderful lives one after another.

Would that everyone could be blessed as I have been.

I've said it many times before and now I'll say it again...

I'd do it all over in a heartbeat!

.

I Don't CARE!!

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Dear Readers,
After reading an assortment of more than boring online news articles this morning The Editor started to worry about his flagging interest in current affairs, not only from around the world, but close to home.

Ever the analytic, he sorted the facts of the dilemma into logical order and constructed a graph which displays this succinct conclusion.

*******************
Editors Comment:  Everything is fine [huge sigh]. What a relief!
*******************

Jolly is as jolly does...

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Dear Readers,
'Tis the season to be jolly, and down in this neck of the woods we know how to jolly things up clean through the daggone holiday season.

Click here

for Yuletide joy - Suth'un style, doan-cha-know!

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Editor's Comment:
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Y'all have a merry Christmas and Happy New Year now, ya' heah?
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An Old-Fashioned Christmas

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Click here  and listen to TWO verses!

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Editor's Comment:
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Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
Swaller dollar cauliflower alley-garoo!

Don't we know archaic barrel
Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou?
Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!

Bark us all bow-wows of folly,
Polly wolly cracker 'n' too-da-loo!
Donkey Bonny brays a carol,
Antelope Cantaloupe, 'lope with you!

Bark us all bow-wows of folly,
Double-bubble, toyland trouble! Woof, woof, woof!
Tizzy seas on melon collie!
Dibble-dabble, scribble-scrabble! Goof, goof, goof!

Hunky Dory's pop is lolly

Gaggin' on the wagon Willy, folly go through!
Chollie's collie barks at Barrow,
Harum scarum five alarm bung-a-loo!

Dunk us all in bowls of barley,
Hinky dinky dink an' polly voo!
Chilly Filly's name is Chollie,
Chollie Filly's jolly chilly view halloo!

One of the all-time greats!
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A Child in a Grown-Man's Body

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Dear Readers,
The Editor has to admit that he'd like to be as carefree, content and unassuming as Mr. Bean.  Actually, I'll wager that we all would.  

Click here

to see Mr. Bean save The Little Lord  Jesus.

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Editor's Comment: Mr. Bean... my hero!!
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Laughin' Out Loud

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Dear Readers,
Hollywood Squares was one of The Editor's favorite TV game shows, not for the game itself, but for the never-ending humor and wit of the panelists.

Here are some favorite questions and "answers" to tickle your funny bone.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should pretty well do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and think that he is attractive, is it okay to ask him if he's married right away?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your 5 senses diminishes as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older do you gesture more with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: Peter, you ask me one more growing old question and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. In Hawaii does it take more than three words to say I Love You?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a 20.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles so easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: No, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.

Q. Back in the olden days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car but all the rest of it is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason said that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers what are 2 things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

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Editor's Comment:
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Ahhhh hahahaha Ohhhhhhh hahahahahaha... see what I mean?
 

Frosty's Surprise

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Editor's comment:
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Oh well... at least he didn't pick a crooked-neck squash.
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With this ring...

.  
There Otta Be a Law Dept:
(and I think that there is...)

Dateline: July, 1952 
Tulsa Tribune
Upcoming Nuptials:

..ENGAGEMENT ANNOUNCED

FOR SISTER, BROTHER

Mr. and Mrs. Robert Froumas are pleased to announce the engagement of their daughter Wilhelmina Froumas to Mr. Len Hall of Bixby, OK who...

--------------------------------------------

Mr. and Mrs. William Petrial are pleased to announce the engagement of their daughter Silvia Petrial to Robert Froumas II of 115 S. Utica here in...
.
-The Tulsa Tribune: July, 1952

***

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Editor's Comments:
*********************
In the mid 90's while preparing for my Father's estate sale, I actually saw this article from a copy of The Tribune that had been lining the bottom of a dresser drawer for more than 40 years.
.
My double-take gave me a crick in the neck that lasted two full days, but the horselaugh I had was worth every penny of it. On recovery from my almost slipped disk, I clipped the article and put it in my "Memories" file where it remains to this day.

Except for the names and addresses, which of course have been changed, the article reads pretty much the way it was published.
.
After all these years, I wonder if the happy couples are still hitched???
.
If they are, in 2012 they'll celebrate their Diamond Anniversary.
.
Wouldn't that be GREAT?

***

A little nostalgia from that bygone era of long ago...

In 1952 the Korean Conflict was in full swing and the Sooner state had yet to repeal prohibition.  It had been only 3 years since the common folk of Tulsa were treated to a real live local TV station, KOTV - channel 6.
.
Now they could see first hand the way the rest of the world was doing business; IF they could find a TV to watch.

TV was such a big deal in Tulsa that MY Father, a 3rd generation Master Plumber and part owner of the company run by HIS Father, jumped at the business opportunity and began selling and repairing TVs IN the plumbing shop. And he did very well at it too!
.
We had a family joke that he used a pipe-wrench and blowtorch to repair sets that were on the fritz.  My artistic Sister went so far as to create his Fathers' Day card which showed a man using a plumber's friend and a pair of vice-grips to fix a Motorola that was acting up.
.
All of this of course meant that WE had our very own TV!
.
Oh BOY!!

So mornings, we were all glued to the screen of our tiny vacuum tube set and The Today Show with Dave Garroway. .As witness to a live-feed, I was seeing pictures of things going on right then and there in New York City; The Big Apple!

Who would believe that??
.
In the summer of 1952 fresh out of second-grade, I watched both the Democratic and Republican National Conventions - LIVE!... not that I really wanted to, but there was only the one channel, so I had no other choice. Besides, back in those days if it was broadcast at all, it made no difference what was airing... everybody tuned in.
.
So I, along with a majority of Oklahomans, sported an I Like Ike button, and at the tender age of 8 became not only somewhat politically knowledgeable but intensely interested in the election itself.
.
But despite TV, radio was not dead. Far from it...

We all kept our habit of sitting out on the porch in the cool of the evenings, listening to Fibber McGee and Molly,. Henry Aldrich,. Amos and Andy,. The Damon Runyon Theater, and Archie.
..

(Click to hear old-time radio shows online)

.
And then there were Saturday mornings.
.
I lived for Saturday morning radio!
.
The Lone Ranger, Tales of Uncle Remus, and Howdy Doody*... all were treasured by kids nation-wide as magic in a little black box.
.
* Yes indeed, The Howdy Doody Show was on radio as well as TV.
..
With the advent of Saturday morning TV it got even better.. Mighty Mouse,. Sky King, our .beloved Lone Ranger ... secret messages that could only be read if you sent away for the official decoder...

Those were the good old days... yes they were!!

***

... back to the engagement article in the 1952 Tribune ...

It took until 1959 to take care Oklahoma's prohibition laws, but I do not know if the sister/brother thing is off the books even yet.

I think that it is, so if you need that kind of action, you will probably have to find a place with some Hatfield and McCoy types. The last I heard you could find them up in hillbilly country, wherever that is.
.

Let Freedom Ring

.

*********************
Editor's Comments:
*********************
Today is Veterans' Day.

But when I was growing up it was called Armistice Day.

Armistice Day was established November 11, 1919 by President Woodrow Wilson in remembrance of the armistice signed in Compiègne Forest, France at 11:11 on 11/11/1918 which formally ended World War I, The Great War.

Its name was changed June 1, 1954 by President Eisenhower, honoring all military veterans, both active and retired.

I stand proudly along with millions of others as a Veteran of the Armed Forces of the United States.  I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat.

Yes indeed:

Let  Freedom  Ring !!

.

The Well-Traveled Adventurer

.

Dear Readers,

During the past 45 years, thanks to his associations with the U.S. Army and Delta Air Lines, The Editor's handsome mug has been seen in many places over this wide world of ours.

To say that my travels have been nothing more than interesting would be an inaccuracy of the highest order.

You may ask So where are these fascinating places Mr. Editor?  Of course you may NOT ask, but I'm going to tell you anyway.

A HUGE advocate of logic, it has proven to be the mainstay of my life. This being the case, logically we'll start off with some places that I haven't been. (Do not question this.  It is the way MY logic works.)

***

Whenever I travel I'm almost always alone. This explains why I have never been in Cahoots. You have to be in Cahoots WITH someone.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump to Conclusions. Laws of physics prohibiting The Editor's body mass from leaving the planet's surface long enough to jump to Conclusions, a trip there is not in the cards, at least not at the present time. If my diet works... Nahhh.

As before, these are places that I have NOT been. Since telling where I have not been could take all day, we will now move right along to places that I HAVE been.

***

I have been in Doubt, but never for long. Doubt is a very uncertain place to be, and not on my list of favorites. Whenever I'm in Doubt I try to keep a low profile, imagining instead that I'm in Visible.  

Editor's note: Well... it works for ostriches.

I've visited in Flexible but just briefly. If you go to Flexible beware as there is no room for error. Being in Flexible is usually not a real good idea.

Age taking its ugly toll, I find myself in Capable more and more. Being in Capable is a never any fun and is usually a very frustrating experience.

As Time marched on I visited in Doors again and again. Since it's common knowledge that being in Doors too much isn't healthy, I abandoned Doors for its sister city. But when I arrived in Side, I could see no apparent change, as when I was in Side it seemed to be exactly the same as being in Doors.

I always look forward to finding myself in Suspense, where the outcome of everything could turn out to be anything.  Visiting Suspense is more than exciting since whatever it may be is always in doubt up to the last tick.

Once it was reported that I was in Sane, but as I was traveling in Cognito at the time cleverly disguised as a traveling salesman, how I was recognized is beyond me.

Go figure!

When I was younger I was in Touch, but that happened so long ago that I can't remember anything at all about it.

So - since I'm presently here and not there, logically I will grudgingly have to admit that I am indeed out of Touch.

What?? I - am out of TOUCH??  MOI???

Do you mean to stand there and tell me
that my son is logically right after all?

The NERVE!! 

I hate logic!!
.

It's that time again...

.

*********************
Editor's Comments:
*********************

To most, Fall Back signals that the glorious and long-anticipated extra hour of sleep has arrived at last; and it does, it does - sort of...

Sort of, since I've learned through the years that this wonderful, precious, extra hour is canceled out with interest when, after nimbly springing out of the sack an hour too early, the better part of my morning is spent tediously re-setting every clock in the house... except ONE.

I always manage to forget ONE! 

Finally, my duty justly done, after but a fleeting 4 months Spring Ahead once again opens its gaping maw.

Oh joy! I just can't WAIT!!

Maybe the world will end early and I'll be spared the pain and agony.