Saturday, March 19, 2011

ShoNuff ShoGun: Table of contents

.
  ShoNuff ShoGun
by
Hicker-san
@copyright 2009, all rights reserved
Click on a chapter...

ShoNuff ShoGun Revisited            Feb 27 2011
 I Had a Dream
ShoNuff ShoGun Teaser                  Feb 28 2011
 Egging You On

Table of Contents

Chapter/Title                      .         Date Published

Prologue                                            Mar 02 2011
 The Start of It All

Chapter I 
 Toranaga's Sumptuous Snack. ..Mar 02 2011
Chapter II.a
    Toranaga's Dilemma                    Mar 03 2011
Chapter II.b
    Toranaga's Logical Logic           Mar 04 2011
Chapter III
.Toranaga's Solution                        Mar 05 2011
Chapter IV
.Toranaga's Rage                               Mar 06 2011
Chapter V 
 Toraanaga's Faux Pas                     Mar 07 2011
Chapter VI 
 Anjin-san's Daring Coup                Mar 08 2011
Chapter VII 
 Anjin the Wise                                   Mar 09 2011
Chapter VIII
 The End of It All:                              Mar 10 2011
   The Good Bad Guys
Chapter IX
 The End of It All:                              Mar 11 2011
   Toranaga
Chapter X
 The End of It All:                              Mar 12 2011
   Anjin-san 

Epilogue                         .                  Mar 13 2011
 Back to the Future or...
   I Think I've Heard This Song Before

A Short & Pungent Review    Mar 14 2011
 The good, the bad, and the ugly
   ... by the Beloved Editor
Postscripts                                       Mar 15 2011
 ... and coming attractions
It's a Done Deal                             Mar 16 2011
 Say Goodnight Irene...
   The Editor's Daily Grind 

Glossary                    ...                     Mar 02 2011
 All the words you never wanted to know

Click on a published chapter to read
ShoNuff ShoGun

Thursday, March 17, 2011

No pushing; no shoving... you'll all get your chance.

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With breathless anticipation the crowd gathered quickly,
awaiting the unveiling of _ _ _ _ _ _'s new statue...

*******************
Editor's comment:
*******************
With supreme effort, The Editor remains both silent and politically correct, allowing YOU, Dear Readers, to select exactly whose statue
would best do justice to this momentous occasion.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I'll Get You My Pretty

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Welcome to The Wicked Witch's
Olde Souvenir Shoppe
We specialize in
brooms, capes, incantations of all sorts, spiders, spells,
powders, magic potions, big black hats, cats, and pots.
Proprietor:  Morgan le Fay
 

(Don't even think about it!)
signed: Morgan

Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble. 
Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake; 
Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,
Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's leg, and howlet's wing,--
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

Macbeth Act IV, Scene 1, lines 10-19
*********************
 Editor's Comments:
*********************
As a 5-Star customer I went ahead and parked in the lot since I was one of the good guys.

But even though I had receipts in my hot little hands, as my luck would have it Miss Morgan was having a bad day, I found myself on the wrong side of her Abracadabra, and she sent me hopping out of the store back to my truck.

If all that isn't bad enough, worse is that now I'm doomed to nothing more than June bugs and maybe a passing fly or two for supper.

Oh boy!  I just can't wait!

ZAP!!   Would you please... Ribbit... pass the salt...

Sunday, March 6, 2011

A Word of Explanation...

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Dear Readers,

Reading the blog below, How Jim Met Ken; A Tale of Old Araby may leave some of you shaking your head before wondering what exactly in blue-blazes is going on.

Here's the deal:

Reading my friends' Facebook walls, I came by chance upon a post by my cousin in Oklahoma which read:
I would like my Facebook friends to comment on this post, sharing how you met me. But I want you to LIE. That's right, just make it up.
After you comment, copy this post to your Facebook wall, so I can do the same. I bet half won't read the instructions right! LOL!
Seeing a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, I immediately posted the bizarre "story" of how she and I met to her Facebook wall. It reads:

We met at Ike's Chili Parlor in Tulsa where you were dealing them off the arm. Making a bit of small talk, when inquiring about the local weather for the rest of the week, I was enamored by your sparkling wit when you answered "Chili today, hot tamale".

Through subsequent conversation, to my great surprise I found that unbeknownst to both of us, we were long lost cousins.

Imagine that!  Isn't it a small world though.  Glad to meet you Cuz.

As requested, I copied her post to my Facebook wall, settled back, and waited for a bite.

My long-time bridge acquaintance Ken Parker was the first (and sofar the only) one to reply. Playing the game out, I returned his favor and the How Jim Met Ken; A Story of Old Araby blog in The Editor Sez was duly born.  After it was published, I posted a link to the blog on his Facebook wall so that the world would not be deprived of Ken's and my fascinating stories.

As a side note, I started to name MY story How Jim Met Ken: or You Bet Your Ace, but prudence got the best of me in the long run.

Sigh... what a weenie...

Anyway, now you know.

Aren't you simply thrilled to the core?


Signed: The Editor



Note:
The comment for this post shows Ken's account of how we met.
Read it 1st as it's a setup for How Jim Met Ken: A Tale of Old Araby.

How Jim Met Ken; A Tale of Old Araby

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As Ken has stated, I met him while we were both working as mercenaries in the Kalahari Desert.

Shortly after my arrival in-country, I had fortunately developed the case of severe gastric dyspepsia that he mentioned; I say fortunately because if I had not been deathly ill at the time we traveled together, Ken might never have approached me in the first place, I would probably have given up bridge as a lost cause, and our intriguing stories would never have existed to be shared with the world.

Now we did indeed play a bit of rubber-bridge in our tent that first night, but my recollection of the most interesting hand
of the evening is quite different than his.

I had opened 2 No-Trump holding 20 high card points and flat distribution, with the auction ending at 3 No-Trump after my partner Abdullah transferred to hearts.

After a bit of thought, Ken led the diamond 7 against my contract.

When the dummy came down, holding the stiff Ace-King of hearts myself, I saw no entry whatsoever to Abdullah's 6-card suit.

Frankly I could see no hope at all for 3 No Trump to make. It looked like down 1 at the very best.

WHY oh WHY hadn't I remembered that we were playing rubber-bridge, not match-point?

Four hearts was the obvious contract.  The extra 10 points for making 4 No-Trump rather than 4 hearts meant virtually nothing at all in rubber bridge, and NOW it looked like I was going down to boot!! Oh well... live and learn.

Holding the A-Q-x of diamonds opposite dummy's J-x-, I played low from dummy while Ken's partner Fatima, Abdullah's number one concubine, played the 10.

For some odd reason, it suddenly occurred to me that a bizarre play was in order and remembering a hand I saw in an ancient 1964 ACBL Bridge Bulletin, I took Fatima's 10 of diamonds with the ACE!

Now, it looked as if she had the Queen as the King was held by Ken  ...I hoped!

I played the Ace and King of hearts, then led a low diamond toward dummy's bare Jack. Ken played low as he must have been convinced in his steel-trap mind that Fatima was marked with the Queen.

Voila; the Jack held! The lovely Fatima slowly shook her head as if to say "Sorry partner, but I don't have the Queen", and I ran dummy's hearts not only making the contract, but 2 overtricks in the process as I was able to execute a double squeeze against my opponents.

I'll never forget Ken sitting there discarding as I ran dummy's hearts, muttering to himself; That was a $5 play. Yes Sir that was a $5 play.

It was a huge compliment for me as I was only holding about 100 master points at the time. Even if I'd been more experienced it still would have been enormous praise as Ken has always been a top player.

When I returned to Georgia, he graciously took me under his wing and while we didn't sit opposite each other that much except at the dinner table, he patiently answered my every question at length.

Due in large part to Ken's guidance, I have advanced to the level of  Silver Life Master, a rank which I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd ever achieve.

In gratitude to Ken, and to the delight of all I might add, I forswore all consumption of both dates and couscous thus eliminating my odoriferous, socially embarrassing intestinal maladies forever.

To be honest, that was a pre-condition of Ken's instruction, but being back in Georgia, I had absolutely no trouble substituting pinto beans and cabbage for my former (and favorite) Arabic culinary delights.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Could It Possibly Be True?

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Spring is just around the corner...

********************
Editor's Comment:  What can I say?
********************

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Last Call

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Dear Readers: Overheard at Norm's Olde Irish Pub about 1:30 this morning...

Well, ya shee Norm ol' buddy, it's like thish:

A herd of buffalo only moves as fast as the slowest buffalo; and when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest animals at the back are always the ones that go down first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the entire group improves steadily with the regular elimination of its weakest members!

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as its slowest cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.  Similar to your buffalo herd, the slowest and weakest brain cells are attacked and killed first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells making the brain a faster and more efficient machine!

That's the reason why you always feel smarter after a couple 'a three or four beers.  'Nuther...

*********************
Editor's Comments:
*********************
Wow!  Drinking beer makes you smarter?

What a revelationWhat a Godsend!

That kind of education beats the smack out of sitting there in class all day long!  I wonder if there's any way at all to get a scholarship...

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

An (almost) Grimm Fairy Tale

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Once upon a time there was a handsome young prince and beautiful young princess who lived in neighboring kingdoms.

One fine evening in June the prince, thinking to win his childhood sweetheart both as a beautiful bride and devoted mate for life gallantly knelt upon bent knee and asked the fair maiden to marry him.

The princess answered sweetly: "Yes, my handsome prince. I will marry you but ONLY if you promise to wash the dishes, vacuum the palace daily, change ALL of our babies' diapers, and prepare gourmet feasts for me 6-days-a-week.


Sundays I shall allow you to take me out for a fancy meal at any restaurant of your choosing, where of course YOU will pick up both the tab and the tip."

The handsome prince, not having fallen off the turnip wagon just yesterday, laughed out loud and quickly exclaimed to Mi-lady:

I don't THINK so!

Then to her utter astonishment, he left a huff.

And so he lived happily ever after; hunting, fishing, bowling and playing poker with the guys every Wednesday and Saturday night.

He also burped, picked his nose, drank milk right smack out of the bottle, channel-hopped to his heart's content, bought a Golden Retriever named Fred and walked around his bachelor pad wearing nothing but a pair of polka-dot shorts whenever he wanted to.  Life was good.
                                
                        The End


*********************
Editor's Comments:
*********************
This is such a happy ending that it almost makes The Editor want to cry!! 

... and just to think... all the time I thought that somebody was going to get turned into a frog.

Shame on me! (Ribbit)

Friday, February 4, 2011

I Didn't Know That

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Mount Rushmore, South Dakota
One of America's foremost national monuments

********************
Editor's Comment:
********************
Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt, Lincoln; four of our greatest presidents!  How inspiring!  Authorized by Congress in 1925,
their sculptures took more than fourteen years to complete.

Located in the renowned Black Hills of S. Dakota, Mt. Rushmore
was listed on The National Register of Historic Places in 1966. It seems impossible but the entire project cost under 1 million dollars.

No wait, don't go just yet. There's still quite a bit more of Mount Rushmore to see. You definitely won't want to miss this part...



Mount Rushmore, South Dakota (Canadian view)
... proving conclusively that there's more than one side to a story

*********************
Editor's Comments:
*********************
Of course you'd have to use the Hubble space telescope to see from Canada all the way down into the great state of South Dakota.

However, since this shot easily qualifies as the new* number 1 on the list of most shocking moons in recorded history, as far as The Editor is concerned that's quite beside the point.

* The old #1 being the legendary pressed-ham on the bus window moon seen in the motion picture Slap Shot...

Dear Readers:  My good friend J. Pequodius Throckmorton has unraveled the mystery behind the cryptic notation "Canadian view" under the shot of The Fathers' posteriors. See the brilliant analysis in his comment to "I Didn't Know That" (below).
.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

My Kind'a Meatloaf

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Dear Readers: When it comes to meatloaf you might not get excited all at once, but trust me... as Andy Taylor, High Sheriff of Mayberry would say:

This loaf is some kinda gooood!

Give it a shot. You won't be sorry!
The Editor

My Kinda Meatloaf

Ingredients: ( * = game changing ingredients - do not omit )

The loaf:
1 lb. ground beef
1/2 lb. good quality ground sausage
2 1/2 C dry bread crumbs
  better still, use 1 3/8 C Quaker oatmeal (not instant)
1 t seasoned salt
1/4 t coarse ground black pepper
2 eggs, slightly beaten
1 small chopped onion
1 stalk diced celery
1 small diced green pepper
..red, green, yellow, mix 'em up... whatever
--------------------------------------------------------------
Click here  to see how to make dry bread crumbs
(Note: Link opens in new window)
4-5 slices of oven-dried white bread yields apx. 1 C of crumbs
--------------------------------------------------------------

The sauce:
1 15 oz can tomato sauce
...If all you have is a 15 1/2 oz can, it's not a disaster
1 T Worcestershire sauce
   I always have to look up the spelling :-/
2 T brown sugar
2 T white vinegar
1/4 C sugar
* 2 T crushed pineapple
* 1 T maraschino cherry juice
* 1 T soy sauce
1 t cornstarch
1 quick shake red pepper flakes
2 t prepared mustard

Preparation:

1) Combine sauce ingredients in a small saucepan
     then bring to a boil.
2) Mix loaf ingredients together in a large bowl.
....Use your hands... it won't kill you
3) Add 3/4 of the sauce. Mix well.
4) Form the loaf in a 9"x5"x3" MINIMUM greased
     (or sprayed) pan or pyrex dish.
....See? You had to use your hands anyway.
5) Bake at 350 degrees for 55 minutes.
6) Remove pan from oven. Pour remaining sauce over the loaf.
You DID use a hotpad, right? Durn - do I have to tell you EVERY- thing? OK - go to the bath, get the tube of Nupercainal that you should find there, and put some on. Yes, I know it says it's for hem- orrhoids, but trust me. If you'll put Nupercainal on a burn RIGHT AWAY, you'll never feel the pain. .Really!! .If you don't have any Nupercainal get some. It's sold over-the-counter at any drug store.
7) Return the newly sauced loaf to the oven. Bake 15 more minutes.

As far as The Editor is concerned, this meat loaf is not only better than good, it's the very best he ever sank a tooth into.

Homemade mashed potatoes and snap beans with salt pork/strickalean go well with My Kind'a Meatloaf.

Enjoy - but not to the point where you don't have enough for sandwiches later on in the evenin' time.

Leftover meatloaf sandwiches - Yee Hah!!
.

Monday, January 31, 2011

March (almost) Madness

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Dear Readers,

Football season all but over, it's now time for college hoops to enter the spotlight.

(Note: links will open in new window)

Click here for the slam dunk of the century.


What a shot!!!

But wait... click here for the flip side...

Talk about bein' hung up in your work...

*********************
Editor's Comments:
*********************
Schlotzenheimer dribbles past Foellner... he shoots from the line... AND HE SCOOORES!  Sooners win, Sooners win, Sooners win!
*

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Shaken, Not Stirred...


That's What You Think Dept:

Screwdrivers Were Made to
Tighten, Loosen Screws

While it might seem that one or two screw drivers should.be enough for households without any do-it-yourselfers,.even the unhandiest of families may need several.
Selected local residents were recently surveyed...

*********************
Editor's Comments:
*********************
When it comes to screwdrivers, The Editor only thinks about the drinking kind; and then, only in the category of .'several at a time'.

For all the other stuff, I call my long-time handyman. Then I do my screwdriver thing while he does his and everybody goes home happy.

Mud in your eye...

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Philosophers

 
Dear Readers,

The following real-life conversation was recently observed online:

Melanie:
Is wondering why they have Braille on the key panel of drive-through ATM machines...
... yada yada yada

Coraline: 
I have thought about that very same thing! Go figure!!!
... yada yada yada
Peggy Sue:
I have often pondered this myself.  Have you ever touched the bumps? I did, just to see how they felt, and wondered what they meant. Now, what is written in Braille on the key panel?
********************
Editor's Comment:
********************
Now, what is written in Braille on the key panel?

What an intriguing question!  Burning for an answer, The Editor made a beeline for the nearest drive-through.  After extensive investigation, using the Braille under number 6 on the numeric keypad as a test vehicle, four distinct possibilities emerged as to the precise meaning of the puzzling bumps:

1. Beef with Broccoli 芥兰牛肉 
    ... although this might very well be translated as:
2. Happy Family 幸福家庭 
    ... since the middle bumps seemed a bit worn
3. You're not blind!  Why are you pushing me?
....Help Security...
  
 ... strangely enough, the final possibility is...
 4. the number 6

Research continues as the truth is out there somewhere...

Saturday, January 1, 2011

I H S

 


Dear Readers,

This shot of a highboy in The Editor's boudoir has generated quite a few interesting comments on Facebook.

What's your take?

Item of interest: I H S comes from the Greek Ἰ Θ Σ (Iota Theta Sigma); the first letters of the Greek words for Jesus, God, and Savior.

Friday, December 31, 2010

CDC Alert

 
Dear Readers,

In the interest of community safety the following alert is hereby published: 

Georgia Bulldogs football practice was delayed nearly 2 hours yesterday morning after a team manager reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the field during workouts.

CDC forensic experts determined that the chalky inhibitor, unknown to the players, was the goal line. 

Practice resumed for the offensive squad alone in the afternoon after GBI agents concluded that they were very unlikely to encounter the hazardous substance in the near future.

The Bulldog defense however, was placed under quarantine due to extensive exposure to the heretofore unidentified toxic agent during the first half of the regular season.

Please take all necessary precautions.

Monday, December 27, 2010

The Chicken That Didn't Cross the Road

 
Dear Readers,

Nobody much knows why, but chicken soup is legend for curing respiratory aches and pains, bother the fact that if made properly it is some kinda good.

That being said, after many requests The Editor is at long last publishing his famous recipe for chicken (with whatever) soup.

He made it just this holiday season when daughter Clara, the family's default Santa Claus Christmas morning, came down with the flu just three days before the long-awaited event. This was clearly a disaster in the making because without Aunt Clara in control of the four adults and three more than excited children, the normal ritual of present opening would turn into an uncontrollable melee faster than fast.

Christmas would just not be Christmas without the presence of Clara's iron fist. We simply HAD to get her well!!

The obvious solution was a 6-quart pot of chicken soup. For curing sniffles, sneezes or the flu, chicken soup has no peer.

So, along with granddaughter Emma The Editor scurried to the market where everything was found and purchased in short order. Back at the ranch and now in the kitchen, Grandpa explained to Emma (who had very graciously offered to help), that chicken soup is not that hard to make... it doesn't even take that long (IF you use a pressure cooker), and everyone always seems to like it a lot.  My Yiddish bridge partner Abe even said he thought that this chicken soup was as good as his Mother's... the absolute ULTIMATE compliment.

This time it turned out that it was so good and everybody liked it so much that the supply ran low and I had to squirrel away what was left, hiding it in the back of the fridge so that Clara would have at least a couple of day's worth for herself.

After many protests regarding the mystery of the disappearing chicken soup, a solemn vow was made that the recipe would be published to The Editor Sez in short order... that is to say, as soon as the recovery from eggnog and too many cold turkey sandwiches was complete.

Oh yeah... Clara got well in just over a day's time and even tho son-in-law Mike finally found the hidden stash of soup, Christmas morning at the kid's house was saved.

Hallelujah!!

And now as promised, the legendary recipe:

Ingredients

2 pounds of chicken whatever
Thighs are good, breasts too. It's best to use pieces that aren't too bony...boning something like chicken backs or ribs is really quite tedious.
1 box chicken with rice mix
2 or 3 cans Swanson's chicken broth
4 cubes chicken bullion (or 2 t paste)
5 C water


1 good-sized onion
4 stalks celery
4 large carrots



McCormick's seasoned salt
1/2 t coarse ground black pepper
1 t paprika
1 T Mrs. Dash's

Dried stuff: (all optional)
1/4 t rosemary
1/4 t marjoram
1/4 t basil
1 T parsley
1 T chives
Coupla bay leaves
Preparation

1. Rinse the chicken and sprinkle with McCormick's and black pepper.
2. Pressure cook with 2 C water for 12-13 minutes... cool for 7 minutes then instant cool under the tap if necessary.
3. While the chicken is pressure cooking clean and dice the carrots, celery, and onion.
4. Put the pressure cooked chicken in a large bowl.
5. Add the veggies to the broth in the cooker with another cup of water and pressure cook 5 minutes ... instant cool.
6. While the veggies are cooking bone the chicken and dissolve bullion w/2 cups of water in the microwave.
7. Add the boned chicken to the veggies in the pot along with the spices, bullion, and Swanson's broth.
8. Add the chicken with rice mix, wisking the contents of its flavor pack until there are no lumps.
9. Cover the pressure cooker but do NOT lock the top down. We just want to boil this time, not pressure cook. Bring everything to a gentle boil. Reduce heat and simmer for 20 minutes.


It's a done deal. Enjoy!!

Editor's note: 
Noodles or dumplings may be substituted for the rice. It's just as good with one as another.