The Third Degree

Dear Readers:
I'm sure all of you have received email with, on the face of it, quite innocent questions regarding your personal life, the point being to forward answers so that friends will know just a little more about you.

In the past my habit was to instantly send this type of correspondence to the trash bin along with any other unwanted, unasked-for spam.

But yesterday, receiving one of these pain in the you-know-what emails yet again, I took considerable time to answer each question my way, returning answers to the sender without further comment.

Hopefully, my point was well taken.  Only time will tell.

So that you too will know allll about The Editor, here is the email along with its questions and the answers I returned:

- WHO ARE YOU? -

Fill out and send back please!

Please do not spoil the fun. Hit forward, delete my answers and type in your answers. Then send this to a whole bunch of people that you know... and send it back to me so I can see your answers. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about those you know.

Remember to send it back to me!!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

Yes.   I was named for James somebody.  It could however have been James somebody else.   I don't know for sure.

What's that you say?  No you dolt... the s in somebody is not either supposed to be capitalized.    Somebody was not his last name.

%*(#$%^ all anyway!!   See what you've gone and done? You've made me go and capitalize the s in somebody after all.

Are you quite happy now?

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

Last April when I mailed my 1040 and check to the IRS.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

My Mom always said I should have been a pharmacist.

Does that answer the question?

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

Baloney. Sometimes I confuse baloney with idiotic questionnaires.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

Yes. They're in the back yard along with the mama and papa goat.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

You must be joking.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?

Baahahahahahahahahahaha ahhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahaha!!

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?

Yes I do. I keep them in a small jar filled with formaldehyde on the mantle above the fireplace.  It's a great conversation piece.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

If it wasn't more than a two foot drop.  Make that one foot.

10.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?

Captain America. I used to live for Saturday afternoons at the movies and Captain America.  What?  That's a serial you say? 

Whatever...

11.DO YOU UNTIE YOUR LACES WHEN TAKING OFF YOUR SHOES?

Yes.  I tie them right back together again though.  It's a mess when they get all tangled up with each other.

Actually it's sort of a no-win situation especially after a round or so with Mr. Bacardi as then, I habitually seem to tie one shoe's laces to the other ... even worse than leaving them untied in the first place.

12.DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?

Sometimes, but I try very hard to bathe at least twice a week.

13.WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

Whether they're wearing a side-arm or not.

14.WHAT IS THE WEATHER LIKE OUTSIDE?

It doesn't make any difference.  I'm inside and I'm stayin' put!

15.WHOM DO YOU MISS THE MOST?

I miss my ex the most but I'm working to improve my aim.

16.DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?

Why should I?  I already know my answers.

17.WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?

I'm not wearing shoes... and that's just for starters.

18.

I wonder what question 18 was?   No, wait...

19.WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?

The sound of the keyboard. Whoops... sorry... I had beans last night.

20.WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?

An attorney from the IRS.

The call before that was from the gas company wondering if the strange smell reported coming from my place was a leak or what?

21.DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? 
This is a trick question.  I invoke my 5th amendment rights.

22.FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?

Swedish Woman's Beach Volleyball; but not while they're volley balling... when they're mud wrestling.

23.EYE COLOR?

Black after the last time I missed my ex with a rotten tomato.

24.DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?

I'll have to look through my address book. Usually I just email them.

25.LAST MOVIE YOU SAW?
I didn't catch the title.  I was watching through a peephole.

26.WHAT COLOR PJs?

Pinkish where I'm not tan... oh wait, I don't wear PJs... OMG!

27.SUMMER OR WINTER?

I'll never tell.  Oh well, if you must know... I like Summer, but only because of her full figure.

28.HUGS OR KISSES?
I'm not particular.  Whatever leads up best to the good deed.
 

29.CAR OR TRUCK?
Truck for sure.

Trucks have more room for lying down. I always had trouble with the gear shift up front in a car and for some reason Fred Jones and his date always seemed to get the back seat first.

Oh yeah... I was driving... that's why.  Bad luck, that.

30.MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Barack Obama.  He hasn't yet but I still have Hope.

31.LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Barack Obama. I apparently misspelled Hope. It's Hype you say?

My bad.

32.WHAT ARE YOU READING NOW?
Question 32.

33.WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
My mouse; duh.

34.WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
The accumulation of dust on top.

35.FAVORITE SOUND?
MiLady's screams.  The stimulus is unimportant.

36.WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO NEXT?
The Men's Room... really... but I have to finish the questions first. Hope there aren't too many more... whoops - too late.   Durn!

37.DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I am a world-class lawn mower although I'm mostly retired now. That's why I keep a family of 5 goats in the yard.   See above...

38.WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
How could I possibly remember where I was born?  I was just a babe-in-arms back then.  Holy cow anyway!

39.THREE PLACES YOU HAVE BEEN?
1. Inside
2. Outside
3. The little house with the half-moon in the door.

40.WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING?
Ellen Degenerate's.

Well Dear Readers, now you know. You must be so happy!