Nowhere to run...

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Nowhere to hide Dept:

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Editor's Comment: .I hope to GOD that's Batman...
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The J.D.

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Homewrecker's Dept:
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Dateline: Bucks ND
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....BUCKS MAN ADMITS TO ATTACKING
........HOUSE - MUST GO TO FLORIDA
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Kevin McReynolds who pleaded guilty last April
to attackinglhislnext door neighbor's home with
a chainsawlwilllbe paroled next week and requir-
ed to live with his parents in Pensacola, Florida.
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Editor's Comments:
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The parents contend that the sentence is in contempt of a decision by a Florida court which ordered Kevin to leave their home and move to North Dakota a scant 6 months ago when he dismantled and sold their front porch to a shady housing constructor at a local auction.
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Kevin is not real happy either because he knows that Mom will make him sit in the corner in his bad boy chair for at least a month.
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Dracula's Digs

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House of Horrors Dept:
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Bob Hill and his wife Betty were vacationing in
Europe, as it happens in mid-Transylvania.
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Driving a rental alonglaldeserted highway, Bob
could barely see in front of the car sincelitlwas
raining hard and darker than the inside of a cat.
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Suddenly, the auto skidded out of control!!!
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Bob triedlhislbestltolavoid an accident, but the car swerved and ran smack-dab into a huge old oak tree.
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Moments later, shaking his head to clear the fog, he looked overlatlthelpassenger seat and sawlhislwife, unconscious, her head bleeding from injuries.
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Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob well knew that he had to get medical help so he picked up his wife and be- gan slowly plodding down the road toward dim lights, far far ahead.
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As he got closer he could see that the lights came from a huge old house. He approachedlthelfront door, aged and ravaged by time, and... slooowly knocked...
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After but a moment's wait, the door creaked open and a small hunchbacked man peered out suspiciously.
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Help us!lBob pleaded. .We've been inlalterrible wreck. My wifelislbadlylinjuredlandlneedslalDoctor now!!
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May I please use your phone to call a hospital?
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I'm sorry that we don't have a phone the hunchback replied, but my Master is a Doctor. .Come in and I'll fetch him as quickly as I can.
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Shortly a strange looking middle-aged man came down the stairs. .Pale of complexion, he wore a black top-hat and a cloak which was thrown over a wrinkled tuxedo.
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Stranger yet, his teeth were quite long...and pointed!
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The caped man looked Bob and Betty up-and-down for a long moment, pursing his lips as if deep in thought.
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I'm afraid my Assistant may have misled you he said surreptitiously.
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I am not a medical doctor; I'm a scientist. But it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and as I have had basic medical training, I'll give this a shot and see what I can do to help your poor injured wife.
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Igor, bring them both into the laboratory commanded the Doctor.
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So Igor picked up the still comatose Betty and carried her down down down the looooong flight of stairs with Bob following closely behind.
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But as soon as Igor laid Betty on a gurney, Bob collapsed from his own injuries as well as exhaustion; so Igor put him on an adjoining gurney.
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Though the Doctor worked feverishly, he wasn't able to save the Hills.
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Both goners forever, they were deader than a bleeding door nail.
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Deeply upset at what he considered his failure, Igor's Lord and Master wearily climbedlthelstairs to an elaborate conservatory and his Möller Deluxelorgan; .a huge instrument having 128 ranks of pipes and 4 manuals, for it was there that he found peace and solitude.
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As he began to play Bach's Tocatta and Fugue in D Mi- nor,lthelhaunting throb of its eerie melody spilled out of the house into the dark forbidding countryside.
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Meanwhile, Igor the hunchback was back in the laboratory tiding up when he noticed Betty's little pinky twitching in time to the music.
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Stunned, he watched as Bob's arm began to rise, also moving in time, marking the provocative beat with a rock-steady rhythm of his own.
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Then Igor tooklalfearful step backwards, his mouth voicinglalsilent scream, as both Bob and Betty sat straight up on their gurneys!
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Unable to contain himself he fled from the laboratory and rushed up the twisting stairs to the conservatory and the safety of his Master.
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As he burst in, he shouted:
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Master, MASTER...
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The Hills are alive, with the sound of music!
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Editor's Comments: I am so sorry! .I just couldn't help myself...
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The hills are aliiiiive
With the sound of muuusiiic
With songs they have suung
For a thousand yeeeearrrs...
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The Hills are Alive

Thanks to SGM (Ret) Mike Podmenik!  RIP my friend.

The Heckler

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Pest Control Dept:
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Authorities in Philadelphia cited a popular rest- aurant for outside garbage storage problems...
Inside garbagelstorage problemslwouldlhave been another story altogether, becauseliflthey were addressed in any manner, halflthelstand- ing menu would be on the Health Dept.'s hit list.
... after rats were discovered in four overhead air-conditioning ducts.
Rats aren't dumb..They like to keep cool too.
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The Philadelphia Herald News reported that Dr. Ryan Dickson of the Alhambra County Dentist's Association had just begun his address at
a dinner meeting of The Patriots at Polly's Pollynesian Palace when a rat fell onto the floor from a ceiling duct above.
It isn't known whether the ratlwas pushed, orlsimply went to sleep during opening comments of what promised to be a tedious evening.
After mooning the speaker, the rat quickly scampered offlinlfull view of startled diners who later claimed that the rat's presentation not on- ly said more, but was far and away more entertaining than Dickson's.
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Editor's Comments:
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See? .Rats are smart. .They know exactly whenltolget-out-of-Dodge!!
It was however, somewhat rude to leave before the closing remarks.

The Four Amigos

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Daydreaming Dept:
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I gaze at the full brilliant moon; the same one I think to myself upon which Plato, Socrates, and Aristotle themselves gazed long ago.
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Suddenly I imagine that they all appear out of nowhere and miraculously stand beside me.
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I tell Socrates about the nationalldebate over one's right to die...we discuss the constancy of humankind throughout the ages at length.



.....
.....I tell Plato that I live in a country that's come
    the closestltolUtopia, then I show him a
    copy of our nation's brilliant Constitution..


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I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him what is now a much expanded periodic table.
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Then I find a full box of kitchen matches. I strike one to satisfy their puzzled looks...
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They gasp with wonder...
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Editor's Comments:
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We spend the rest of the night lighting farts...

The Original Alternative Rock

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Thou Shalt Not Dept:
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Editor's Comments:
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GOD created this music over 3000 years ago.
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It STILL rocks!!!