It's all over but tha shoutin' folks...

.

B.S.O.D. Dept:

********************
Editor's Comment:  OMG!!  The dreaded Blue Screen Of Death!
********************

Cuttin' a rug

.

Disco Dept:

********************
Editor's Comment:
********************
It'd make about as much sense as anything else I've heard lately...
(Thanks to my old programmer mentor Paul Benjaminson)

Amaz(e)ing

.

.

There and Back Again Dept:

*******************

Editor's Comment:

*******************

In around 42 weeks I'd venture to say... give or take a day or so.

Men are from Mars...

 
Oneupsmanship Dept:

In-class assignment for Wednesday:

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Today we will experiment with a new form of writing called "the tandem story".

The process is very simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting immediately to the right.  One of you will choose a title and write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the paragraph then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph and so-on, back and forth until both agree that a conclusion has been reached.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.  There is to be absolutely no talking.  Any comments you wish to make must be written as a part of the story.

*****

Chamomile Tea

by

Rebecca and Gary

(title and 1st paragraph by Rebecca)

Rebecca

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, before her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl who once said in happier times that he liked chamomile. But she must now at all costs keep her mind off  of Carl, whose possessiveness was suffocating. When she thought about him too much, her asthma started acting up again.  No, chamomile was definitely out of the question...

Gary

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie, with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.  "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17" he said into his trans-galactic communicator.  "Polar orbit established.  No sign of resistance so far...". But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere, blasting a hole through his ship's cargo hold.  The shock from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit, directly towards rows of stacked photon torpedoes...

Rebecca
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for physically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities toward the innocent farmers of Skylon 4, and the universe was once again filled with peace and tranquility.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel" Laurie read in her newspaper the next morning.  The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window dreaming of her youth when the days
had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract
her from the sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her... "Why must a girl lose her innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully...

Gary
Little did Laurie know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live, for thousands of miles above the city the Anu'udrian mother ship had launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles.  The idiot peacenik weenies who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires, all of whom were pledged to crush the entire human race.  Within two hours after passage of the treaty, the Anu'udrian fleet was on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to destroy the entire planet.  With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan to pulverize our world and all who lived upon it.
The lithium fusion missile entered the Earth's atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters off the coast of Samoa, felt the massive explosion which instantly vaporized poor stupid Laurie and 79 million other Americans. The President pounded both heavy fists on top of the marble conference table. "We can not allow this!" he exclaimed. "I'm vetoing that treaty! Initiate code red to all Earth Defense Squadrons. Blow'em outta the sky!!"

Rebecca

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Gary

Yeah? Well you're a self-centered, tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Shall I have chamomile tea?...or shall I have some other sort of F---ing TEA?" wrote the air- headed tart who reads too many dime-store Mills and Boon novels.

Rebecca

)(@$%&**@

Gary

#(*(&@#(^^

Rebecca

?(&@#^)&%)%

Gary

*$#^*!#&%!@%&&!!!

-----------------------------
And now Dear Readers, since the unfinished story was submitted at this point, The Editor is forced to pen the FINAL paragraph:

And she did drink some tea...

But Gary, having seen 9-to-5 27 times, secretly slipped in 2 spoons of rat poison, and the problem of Rebecca suddenly went away.

********************
Editor's Comments: 
********************
When grades for the assignment were handed out, Gary was nowhere to be found. Rebecca remained in the intensive care ward recovering from her recent, near fatal bout of acute gastrointestinal dyspepsia.

While rumor has it that Gary is seeking asylum on Skylon 4, a partially finished letter was found on Rebecca's bedside table which began...

Dearest Gary,
Please come back. I  love you and want you to be my husband...

Smudges covering the letter were apparently caused by tears.

Kids  and jeune amour!!  Go figure!

Search me...

(404) 555-1212 Dept:

********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
In a pig's eye I quit!!

But I'll "let you know what to do" anyway...

First, check the code

In hexadecimal mode

If you're still stuck just yell

But I'll never tell.

Ha ha ha...

Shudn'ta laid me off dude...

The Straight Skinny 301

.

Who'da thunk it Dept:

.

Ladies and Gentlemen:

It would benefit each of you to pay close

attention and take notes as there will be

a short quiz following today's lecture on

Facts to File and Forget.
1.
The toothbrush was officially invented in 1498.

And toothpaste wasn't invented until the 19th century. Oops!

2.
John Travolta turned down the starring roles in both An Officer and
a Gentleman and Tootsie.
True.  John was always proud of his highly developed lack of couth which he felt soundly disqualified him for both parts. 
3.
Prince William and Prince Harry never travel on the same airplane just in case there's a crash.
Crash my foot! The real reason is that both realized if they traveled together they'd have to share the flight attendants between them.
4.
The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
Wrong!!!
All Moms can see behind themselves 24/7. That's a lead-pipe cinch!
My Mom told me so, and I believe it because I never got away with ANYTHING when I was a kid!  Moms know all, hear all, see all!
5.
The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato soup can for a carburetor.
I saw something like that once on a Little Rascals re-run. They filled up the soup can with dog food, hung it in front of a big black-and-white spotted
dog and that was their engine. Those Li'l Rascals were pretty smart.  Their dog was pretty stupid.
6.
The real  reason ostriches stick their heads in the sand is to search for underground water.
... instantly qualifying them for Upper Management...
7.
The average 50-year-old has spent 5 years waiting in line.
More if they went to Six Flags or Disney World in the daytime.
8.
A modern artist from Chicago, Dwight Kalb, created a statue of Madonna made out of 180 pounds of leftover spiral-sliced ham.
How appropriate!
9.
For 47 days in 1961, the painting Le Bateau by Matisse hung upside- down in New York City's Museum of Modern Art without a single one of the 116,000 visitors noticing anything out of the ordinary.
99% of the pseudo art snobs who visit art museums wouldn't know real art if it jumped up and bit them square on the behind.
10.
French artist Michel Vienkot uses cow poo instead of paint.
The art world well knows that a Vienkot original ain't worth s---!

***************

Quiz:

Kalb used 180 pounds of ham for Madonna's statue.

1. Do you think that this was enough?
     a. Yes, if you only consider the ego part.
     b. Probably, if he didn't trim off too much fat.
     c. No. The hips and thighs were left quite incomplete.

2. Name some other reasons Travolta might have had for turning
     down the lead in Tootsie.
     a. His heavy beard wouldn't work that well since the female
          character was much too young to shave.
     b. He wasn't muscular enough for the part of the woman.
     c. He wasn't graceful enough for the part of the man.

3. Name some other reasons Travolta might have had for turning
     down the lead in An Officer and a Gentleman.
     a. He hated navy beans.
     b. He was afraid he'd become known around town as a gentleman.
     c. He got seasick very easily.

The toothbrush was invented some 300 years before toothpaste.

4. Will George W. Bush eventually get the blame for this foulup?
      a. Why not? He's still convenient enough.
      b. It seems like the right thing to do.
      c. Of course he will. If it ain't broke don't fix it!
      d. Are you kidding?

5. What do you believe is the real reason that Princes William and
     Harry travel seperately?
     a. They can't stand the sight of each other.
     b. William always grabs the window seat. Harry doesn't like it.
     c. They actually don't want to share the flight attendants. 

The first Harley used a tomato soup can for a carburetor.

6. What is used for the carburetor on a Harley today?
     a. A chicken noodle soup can
     b. A cream of mushroom soup can
     c. A black-and-white spotted dog that ate some kind of soup

Bonus question:

Do you think that Madonna is smart enough to be a blond?

*******************
Editor's Comment: Not even close!
*******************

Our Father...

.

... who art in Heaven...