The Poison Pen Letter

Penal Reform Dept:
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Headline:

.........CONVICT SENDS DEATH NOTE
..........TO JUDGE AFTER LEARNING
.................TO WRITE IN PRISON
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Editor's Comments:
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Don't blame him your Honor. He couldn't help it!!
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After all; YOU'RE the one who got him "Hooked on Phonics"!

Carjacking!

Law and Order Dept:
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This Week's Local Crimes:
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....................JEEP STOLEN
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.....A Beltin man reported to police that
.....sometime between 10 p.m. Saturday
.....and 12 noon Sunday, a 1985 vintage
.....CJ7 Jeep was stolen from in front of
.....his girlfriend's home on Lucky St.
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.....The Jeep, valued at over $5000 and
.....bearing Idaho plate number AM851,
.....was parked in front of the Bent Tree
.....Apartment complex by the...
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.....Police are unsure how entry into the
.....car was made, but said that the door
.....on the driver's side had been recent-
.....ly removed due to ongoing...
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Editor's Comments:
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After they discovered that detectives at the scene of the crime were unable to figure out how thieves had been able to get into the vehicle, followups by the daily paper showed no mercy to the Men in Blue.
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"Even a rookie patrolman should have at least a small clue to this deep dark mystery seeing as how there was no door on the driver's side of the vehicle." quipped one well-known columnist for the rag.
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But the cops for once had the last laugh.
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It turns out that when the thief was apprehended, he bragged that it was a piece of cake to get into the Jeep because the door on the pas- senger's side had carelessly been left unlocked by the owner.

This sounds like a classic case of dumb and dumber to me...
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I for one ALWAYS lock the doors of my car when it's unattended...

Holy (dangling) Mackerel Andy!!

Law and Order Dept:

Headline:
..............MAN BEATEN BY WOMAN
...................WITH FROZEN FISH
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Editor's Comments:
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There are several warrants out for the suspect, a certain Mrs. Paul, but so far she's been slippery as an eel and to date remains at large.
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At last report, police were floundering in the investigation.
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...dit dit dit dit.... dit dit dit dit dit... news flash:
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From information given by a witness perched on a second story balcony, the culprit has been found and arrested.
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When apprehended, Mrs. Paul shad no tears. .Admitting that the man had done nothing to warrant his beating, she said she smacked him on the noggin with the fish just for the halibut.
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Punishment for assault and battery is imprisonment for a period to be determined by the judge and a fine to the tuna $1000.
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***

Dear Readers:
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That was simply awful wasn't it?
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Thank the Good Lord it's over anyway! The Editor has been known to pun before, but not to the point of insanity!.I don't know what got into me... maybe it was something I didn't eat... it must have been.
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Well, whatever it was, I hope it's gone for a good long while!
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Now - on to the lesson of the day, which concerns English grammar.
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News articles containing dangling participles and modifiers provide
a great source of humorous material for The Editor!
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You'd think that "professionals" composing headlines for the media would know their grammar, but in a great number of cases they don't.
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For this shortcoming, The Editor is truly grateful.
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Don't get me wrong now. .The Editor makes more than his share of grammatical errors. .It's easy to do believe me, especially when high school English classes with Mrs. Martens are but a distant memory.
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I hearby give you fair warning: It's gonna happen, so don't start in on me the next time you catch a boo-boo in The Editor Sez!
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Anyway... back to the subject of ."dangling":
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So what's a dangling whatever? you may ask. (Of course it could very well be that you don't ask, but I'm going to tell you anyway.)
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What a great question... especially since I have forgotten myself.
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But - now that you've asked, I'm neatly presented with a clandestine opportunity to refresh my own memory and no one will be the wiser.
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No one will ever know that The Editor actually had to look up the answer. .His dear readers will still be under the impression that he is
a literary genius (right). .So give me just a moment won't you...
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OK - I'm back.
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Here's a fine example of your typical dangling whatever:
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Having been thrown in the air, the dog caught the stick.
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The dog was thrown in the air?
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YIKES!! .Call the S.P.C.A. quick!!
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No... of course not. The dog wasn't thrown in the air. Not at all!
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The writer meant to convey that the stick was thrown in the air.
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In a nutshell, a dangling whatever is one that attaches itself to a
different word than the one intended by the writer.
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In our headline today...
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..............MAN BEATEN BY WOMAN
...................WITH FROZEN FISH
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... is the man beaten with the frozen fish which is being used as a weapon by the woman, or is he simply beaten by the woman, who happens to be holding the frozen fish at the time?
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It's not really clear is it.
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Common sense dictates that he was beaten with the fish, but rules
of English state: The modifier belongs to the noun closest to it.
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Using this rule, in today's headline frozen fish couples with woman whoops...see how easy it is to get it wrong?... let's try that again...
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Using this rule, in today's headline 'frozen fish' belongs grammatically to 'woman' not 'man'. .The way it's written, 'the woman, who was in possession of a frozen fish, beat the man'.
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That's not what the writer intended.
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Clearly written, the headline should read something like:
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..............MAN IS BEATEN WITH A FROZEN
...................FISH BY (AN IRATE) WOMAN
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It's now certain that Mrs. Paul did indeed hit the man with the fish.
.a
Shame on you Mrs. Paul! .SHAME!! .A woman of your age...
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But wait... did she beat the man with a fish that he was holding or...
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Good grief! .This could be more complex than we first thought.
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Let me read that modified headline one - more - time.
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Hmmmmm ... maybe the man is with the frozen fish and the woman beat the both of them for some unknown reason ... but WHY would
a man hang out with a frozen fish? That doesn't make any sense at all unless... do you think that the fish might have been an old flame??

Could it possibly be... ???
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Arrrggghhh!!! ..I'm SO - CONFUSED!!
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Anyway...
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Now you know allll about just what dangles and just what doesn't.
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Isn't that simply fantastic?
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I wonder whatever happened to the fish? .Durn! With all of this 'witty banter' going on, I hope it didn't haul off and spoil on us.

Deep Space Nine

Outta tha park Dept:
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Headline:

........MYSTERY IMPACT
....LEAVES EARTH-SIZED
.......MARK ON JUPITER!

-Headline News
-Tuesday July 21, 2009
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Editor's Comment:
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I saw Chipper's blast to left-center Monday night against the Giants and I knew it was long even then, but GEEZE anyway...
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The Bottom Line

Auto Parts Dept:
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Classifieds:

............-USED REAR ENDS-
............Several Models in Stock
..............$65 or $149 installed
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Editor's Comments:
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When I called to find out just how used these rear ends were, I was told that while they had some mileage on them, they were basically
in excellent shape because they had all been previously owned by sweet little-old-ladies who only sat on them at church on Sundays.
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This was not what I had in mind at A-LLL!

Still... (I wonder if they'll ever have some newer ones for sale...)
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Shhhhh... don't say a word... I never asked...
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The Fish Meister

Day on the lake Dept:

Headline:
.
. .............LACK OF WATER
...........HURTS ICE FISHING
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........ The best ice-fishing is found
........in backwater channels where
........there is ample water. .But .in
........most of north Georgia, there
........isn't that .much water, or for
........that matter ice thick enough
........for the sport even in the...
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Editor's Comments:
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Whatever it happens to be; ice... water... rod... reel... bait... it's never that much of an issue when fishing and The Editor are concerned.
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The only thing that .really matters is that there's a comfortable place to plop and relax .before getting down to the ugly business of baiting up and heaving either a night crawler or a good-sized chunk of raw chicken liver into the drink* and onto the bottom of the old pond.

Sometimes I'll even put whatever it is on a hook, but mostly I don't.
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After I finally manage to get a line in the water I put my feet up on the railing of the dock and hope like crazy that the fish will leave me alone while I'm occupied with the radio broadcast of whatever game is in progress at the time and my big lunchbox filled to the brim with its stash of Vienna sausage, crackers, Velveeta, and dill pickles.

My cooler loaded with ice-cold brewskis and a baseball hat with a wide brim covering my already half-closed eyes, I'm ready at last for a great day of angling.  Oh Boy!!
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Whenever I'm out on the water, this routine has been both my habit and custom for many long years.
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As far as taking fish home goes, at the end of the day if I've had good luck and my stringer is empty, I'll gleefully bag up my chicken livers (now destined for the grill) then make a quick stop at the grocery to pick up two, maybe three pounds of catfish or perch before I hit the front door of the homestead at a rolling gallop.
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When I'm flush and in party mode, then bother any fish as I'll always opt for a nice thick sirloin, a well-marbled rib-eye, or a succulent slab of fat juicy pork ribs. .Boyhowdy!!!
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So far, I have had the best results at Winn Dixie, with Giant and Safeway coming in a very close second and third. All three are fine spots to snag either a whopper, a prime cut of beef, or ribs that will melt in your mouth whether they're smoked or barbecued.
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With the chicken livers snugly wrapped in thick bacon to be roasted over red hot coals as high-dollar appetizer$ and my cooler full of P.B.R. once again, I'm in store for an evening of culinary delights.

On the other hand, if I've had bad luck and the fish were biting it can get ugly, because I'm now forced to take the time and trouble to stop along the way back and find someone - anyone - who'll take whatever I've happened to catch off my hands... hopefully for free.

That chore over and done with, it's finally time to go do the shopping thing and trek on to the house for supper.
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It's good that I usually get skunked because if I didn't, I'd have no other choice but to give up one of my favorite pastimes.
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One might say that the way I fish is no sport at all, but using methods gleaned from many painful years of experience, I'm able to enjoy the time-honored custom of fishing without having to worry about such bothersome inconveniences as scales, slime, fish guts, and the like.
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Don't get me wrong now... The Editor, a long-time sportsman, is a HUGE advocate of fishing, a member in good-standing of B.A.S.S. and a firm believer in the age-old adage...

The worst day fishing is better than the best day working! 

You betcha!

But... strange as it may seem, though he loves to go fishing, he doesn't actually like to catch fish at all!!
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Admittedly this contradictory statement makes no sense whatsoever, but that's the way it is; like it or not!
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*I've been told, and more than once, that I should attach my chunk of chicken liver firmly to a #3 treble hook or it will fall off.
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I always ignore this well-intentioned advice as if I follow it, I might well catch something.

... and we wouldn't want that to happen now, would we?
..
Anybody out there got an old broken Zebco they're fixin' to toss?

Sunday's Sermon

Thou Shalt Not... Dept:

Senior Events:
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.............MOSES TO SPEAK
...........AT SENIOR CENTER
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......The Reverend John Moses has
......been asked to speak at the Gol-
......den Age Senior Center Sunday
......afternoon at 2 p.m.
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......The Reverend will .deliver his
......homily regarding the ten com...
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Editor's Comments:
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People, people!
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It might not seem like it, but this is a heavy duty event!
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Why?
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The Editor has been advised that this is not your typical, common, ordinary, average, everyday, b-flat, run-of-the-mill Senior Center.
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No indeed!!
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The Golden Age Senior Center happens to be the honest-to-God genuine certified BOSS Senior Center of the entire Universe!
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To be a member of this Senior Center you have to be not just old... you have to be really, really, REALLY - OLLLD!!!
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I have checked and by the time any of us will be even close to the required entry-age for this particular Senior Center, the Chicago Cubs will have won both the NL pennant and the World Series!!!
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You are beginning to see what I mean by old... right?