The Conference

.
Health and Nutrition Dept:

Headline:
...........Forget an apple a day.

...............Try ants instead!

Dateline:

Nanking, China

A handful of ants a day keeps the doctor away according to group of leading Chinese scientists.

It's a known fact that a handful of ants keeps a lot of things away. Anyhow, are these the same leading Chinese scientists that finally figured out how to get up to the moon, once there made a crash landing, then called the botched effort brilliant? Get a life, mate!

Forty ant experts...

... say what??

... doctors and nutritionists met this week to formally discuss the ad- vantages of both snacking on ants prepared as crunchy morsels and sipping hot distilled Concentrate of Ant.

Alcoholic content of Concentrate of Ant can be as high as 156 proof.

Samples of toasted ant along with liberal pourings of Concentré de Ant were provided to all those in attendance, that they might exper- ience benefits of the newly proposed dietary aids first hand.

Oddly enough it turned out to be a very short meeting. Afterwards, delegates told blond jokes, laughed a lot, mussed up each other's hair, held a karaoke contest, and in general got quite rowdy.

The Chinese news agency Xinhua reported that in some regions of Southwestern China, the locals regularly eat ants...

Wherever you go in China, the locals eat all sorts of bizarre rubbish not only as a matter of habit, but necessity.

... and as a result, enjoy good health.

-meaning that they stay alive another day instead starving to death.

"Ants are especially effective against rheumatism" said Zhang Zhilin, a noted and well respected Chinese entomologist.

********************

Editor's Comments:

********************

The part about rheumatism is true enough. I saw a demonstration on Headline News just the other day that was nothing short of amazing.

They brought out this little old Chinese guy who had rheumatism so bad he could hardly walk. After putting just one handful of red ants down his britches, lo and behold and what do you know... in no time at all he was hopping around all over the place, just as good as new.

Shazam!!

.

I hope Oral Roberts was watching...

Who Nose?

.
Patrick Cleverman first lost his nose as the result of a blast fired from a shotgun during a 1968 drive-by shooting in Podney, West Virginia.
Cosmetic surgeons however, were able to reattach the nose...
As a rule, most noses aren't worth all that much if they've tangled with a Remington 12 gauge loaded with double-ought shot.
... which remained firmly on Cleverman's face; that is until another, more recent and quite unexpected incident occurred.
It must have been a chore finding all the parts, sorting them out, then gluing them back together again before anything spoiled.
Sound asleep in a chair in his apartment at the time, he told police that he was suddenly awakened when an unknown assailant entered the room and punched him smack in the middle of his rebuilt nose...
The assailant was later identified as Ms. Cleverman who, unable to sleep for 3 days, was sick and tired of Patrick's incessant snoring.
... knocking it clean off his face...
Whereupon the snoring promptly stopped...
.
********************
Editor's comments:
********************
During an interview from the local hospital's isolation ward, Cleverman expressed mixed emotions regarding the loss of his proboscis.

The bad news is that he will have to purchase contact lens because his glasses keep falling off. Also, he can no longer take his daily snuff.

On the other hand, his snoring has stopped, he no longer gets hay fever, and he is now able to blow smoke rings said to rival those of the powerful Wizard of Middle-Earth, Gandalf The Grey!

As a final observation he admitted that despite all the fuss and trouble, he is grateful to his wife because after being extensively counseled by hospital staff, he now realizes that... "No nose is good nose."