School's Out!

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Where Am I Dept:

Chicago school bus driver Robertta Conner reportedly became dis- oriented while attempting to deliver a group of 7 exceptional stu- dents to advanced classes at an off-site campus of their high school.

After taking several wrong turns, in exasperation she finally dropped them off instead at another school...which was closed for the summer.

When the young prodigies loudly protested, she heatedly told them You're gifted... you figure out what to do!

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Editor's Comment: They told her to "get lost".
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The Great Debate

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Why Am I Not Surprised Dept:

Dateline:
Brussels, Belgium

Government ministers today engaged in lengthy and heated discus- sion over a proposal regarding tariff concessions for artichokes scheduled to be imported from Third World countries next year.

Arguments both pro and con were presented for over three hours before a recording secretary to one of the officials discovered that none of the countries being discussed even grew artichokes.

The meeting was postponed for two weeks pending further in-depth research by delegated ministry staff.

- The Lincolnshire Times
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Editor's Comments:
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What a waste of time and energy!

Since everybody was already there, truly skilled bureaucrats would have ignored this irritating bit of informational fluff and unphased, staunchly continued on with their deliberations.

Editor's note:
They're lucky at that. In this country, plans for a government study with accompanying grants would have been on the table in a flash.

Prison Break!!

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Dumb Crooks Dept:

Three inmates, each weighing more than 170 pounds, used a home-made rope in an attempt to escape from the ninth floor ward of the Metropolitan Correctional Center in mid-town early this morning.

All were apprehended before reaching the 12-foot-high courtyard wall which completely surrounds the Center, as numerous watch- towers are fully manned around the clock by alert armed guards.

One of the prisoners who failed to wear gloves...
...not that he didn't have the opportunity... but when the head of
the Escape Committee offered him a pair, he replied scornfully:
Why would I need gloves you !#$*& idiot? .It's smack-dab in the middle of July! .Du-uh anyway!!!
... suffered severe lacerations to both hands while sliding down the rope. .The quarter-inch-thick cord had been laboriously braided from at least twenty-three 100 foot rolls of unwaxed dental floss.
Such a moron! If he'd held on with his teeth instead of his hands,
he wouldn't have had to go to the dentist's office for 400 years.

-United Dental News Digest and Reporter
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Editor's Comment:
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The way things are anymore, he'll win a lawsuit over all of this.