The Faux Pas

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Oops Dept:

Jeff put on his casual face, hoping that
no one would notice he'd just farted.

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Editor's Comment: .Too late Jeff...
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Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?

Final Exam Dept:
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We all fail at times, but there's something a- bout failing with style that somehow seems
to spell success. .Here are answers from ap- parentlylclueless,lyet lunconsciouslylbril- liant studentslinlour secondary school sys- tems when askedlquestions about their recent studies.
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The Classics:
Question: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
Answer:....Learning to speak Latin.
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Chemistry:
Question: Explain why phosphorus tricloride (PCl3) is polar.
Answer:....Because God made it that way.
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The Classics:
Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar's death?
Answer:....Suspicious ones.
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Biology:
Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease.
Answer:....Early death.
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Geophysics(Vulcanology):
Question: What does the term "lava" mean?
Answer:....A prepubescent caterpillar.
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Biology:
Question: What is a plasmid?
Answer:....A high-definition television.
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Religion:
Question: Christians only have one spouse; what is this called?
Answer:....Monotony. ..No, wait - Torture.
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Physics:
Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil fuels.
Answer:....Fire.
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Geography:
Question: Name one famous Greek landmark.
Answer:....The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse.
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History:
Question: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer:....At the bottom.
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Geography:
Question: The people known as Malays originated in which country?
Answer:....Malaria.
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Grammar:
Question: Name two personal pronouns.
Answer:....Who, me?
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Math: ............................n
Question: Expand (a+b)
Answer:.....................n
.....................(a..+..b)........n
.....................( .a. ..+ ...b .).................n
.....................(...a.........+..........b...)
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(Math teacher's note): Very funny Jimmy... X
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Editor's Comments:
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Does everyone out there realize that these little monsters; our future hopes, our future dreams, our future leaders all; are someday to be tasked with the survival of the entire species??
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The good news is that even if they don't know, they're trying.
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I think that there may be hope...

Li-ver-POOL - Li-ver-POOL

.......Facebook.........I know they look like coffee
......Comment:.......beans, but the book on 'em
................................says they're goose livers!!!

Christina's Ice Cream Dept:.

Dear Readers,
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RaylFord,lproudlownerlandloperatorloflChristina's Ice Cream, Cambridge, MA is an ardent fan of the Liverpool Football Club, L.F.C.
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Since he's been takinglalbitloflconcentrated (but good-natured) guff from the opposition as of late, I recently created the mélange seen on today's post then added it to Ray's Facebook wall to bolster his spirits.
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He seemed to like it, so with his tacit approval I'm taking the liberty of publishing it to the world.... along with, of course, a healthy plug for:
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Christina's

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Ray's business is booming as well it should, since he markets a state- of-the-art product, recognized by folks throughout the northeastern part of the U.S. of A. as the crème de la (ice) crème of frozen treats.
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He supplies numerous establishments in the greater Boston area with world-class ice-cream, caters to countlessllocal events, and has been cited for excellence by the media on a number of occasions.
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Ray also sells a wide range of premium spices next to his walk-in ice cream parlor, with gift-packaging available for festive occasions.
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Read all about the fame and fortune of Ray and Christina's at:
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http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/food/gallery/ice_cream_around_boston?pg=9
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Editor's Comments:
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Oh yeah - even though Ray my than good friend, that doesn't change anything... honest!

I already get free ice cream and coffee whenever I visit!
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Such a Prince is he...

Cash for Clunkers

Honest John's Fine Jalopies Dept:
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Cars..........100% Financing........2001
Trucks..TAXES/TITLE/TAG..and up
Vans.......Included w/payments..models

....................Drive home with
............ABSOLUTELY NO CASH
...............-Several to choose from-
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2005 ..Dodge Caravan
.............2 tone, all equipment
2004 ..Camero Berlinetta
.............sharp
2003 ..Dodge Ram Charger SE
.............for the man's man
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Editor's Comments:
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This is probably the very first totally honest used car advertisement that I have ever seen. .Being this honest might even be a sneaky way
of getting rich quick... and it's all 100% legal and above board.
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I LUUUUUUV theese country!!

The Lion's Share

Seafood Dept:
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Dateline Seattle:
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Hungry sea lions have been eating nearly
half the salmon and steelheads that swim
upstream to spawn in Lake Washington.
OK... it's their ocean and they gotta eat...
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The sea lions find exceptionally good fish-
ing at Seattle's Ballard Locks fish ladder.
And takelitlfromlanlold-time fisherman,
when they're bitin' it draws a big crowd.
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According to biologist Bob Pfiefer, the sea
lions aren't fazed by M-80 firecrackers...
Especiallyliflthey're stilllinlthe box, unlit
and soaked through with river water.
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Going a step further fireworks were used
butlseallions weren't afraid of them either.
Notlonlylwereltheylunafraid, theylwent
ooooh and ahhhh when thelsky lit up.
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Experts triedlprotectinglthelfishlbylplay-
ing loud tapes of various bands...
This sounds like a real expert solution...
... including music by Motley Crue...
Which only drew more sea lions, who're
real good whenlit comes to spreadin' the
word about a free concert in town.
... and speeches by Muhammar Khaddafi.
Which expert got the bright idea that sea
lions would understand Arabic any more
than a boxful of M-80s or fireworks?
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Editor's Comments:
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The problem was neatly solved when oneloflthe experts' kids convinced his Papa to set up a big- screen TV and run old black-and-white episodes
of The Adventures of Flipper.
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Enraptured by the escapades of the heroic dolphin, the sea lions sat spellbound for hours on end, glued in front of the telly, cheering on their distant kin.
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When they learned about Campbell's chicken noodle soup during a commercial break, they went right out and bought a couple of cases.
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It turns out they liked it so much that they gave up both steelheads and salmon forever. .The problem was over for good and all!
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Now THAT was an expert solution!! .Nice goin' kid!!

The Heist

Gold Silver and Jewels Dept:
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Would be robbers chased an armored car on
a highwaylnearlAtlanticlCity today, but fled
after it crashed and rolled over.
I thot that was the point...
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Before being taken tola local hospital for ob-
servation the driver locked the armored car
which was now lying on its side.
Good man! As a result however he suffered
a double hernialtrying to lift the truck high
enough to lock the door on the driver's side
which was next to the ground at the time.
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According to the Ocean City Sun, police had
to use acetylene torches to open the vehicle
and secure its supposedly valuable contents,
Yeah right! .Like it wasn't secure enough al-
ready, locked up tight in an armored car...
... which turned out to be a takeout lunch in-
tended for New York real estate tycoon and
Atlantic City casino owner Donald Trump.
...a high-dollar order of corned beef on rye
with extra-hot horseradish and a pickle.
Trump, who has his lunch brought to his ca-
sino office from a delicatessen in downtown
Manhattan, could not be reached for...
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Editor's Comments:
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The district police chief admitted that although several local inhabi- tants had been identified as possible suspects to the crime, the case was mired and at a complete standstill since the evidence had now (quote) buuuuurp... unfortunately disappeared... (unquote).

The Gospel Truth

But I already had a bath Dept:
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.....United Presbyterian Informer
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Coming Events Section:
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Sunday afternoon, there will be a meeting
in the North and South ends of the church.
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Children will be baptized at both ends.
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Editor's Comments:
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I've always said that there's nothing wrong in being thorough... but(t) in THIS case... it does seem to be just a bit extreme.

I guess it's their church and they can baptize anyway they want.

Still, I do hope that accidents are held to a minimum and that patience prevails for all during these more than unusual rituals.
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I wonder what John the Baptist would have to say?