All rise...

Judicial Dept:

Santa Rosa, NM
Headline:
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CHRIST TO SERVE AS

PRESIDING JUDGE

Guadalupe County Superior Court Judge

Jesús H. Christ has been selected as the..

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Editor's Comment:
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I guess this will pretty much rule out any appeals...

Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and cauldron bubble. (Macbeth; Act IV, scene 1)

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Church Socials Dept:

............................A N N O U N C E M E N T

....Pikesville, NH-The Pikesville United Methodist Church will
....sponsor a Harvest Supper Saturday, October 10 in the rec-
....creation hall. The dinner will be served in two seatings; one
....at 5 P.M. and one at 6:30. Reservations are required. They
....may be made by calling the church office at 604-555-1212.
...........................................Menu
....A traditional New England Boiled Sinner along with biscuits,
....homemade ice cream, coffee, tea, and cider will be served to
....all. .Admission paid at the door - Adults $6.75; Children $5.

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Editor's Comment:
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Geeze, and I thought the Southern Baptists were strict...

Give 'til it hurts

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... on the Community Center Bulletin Board:

....Furniture Drive for the Homeless Launched
.............................Please Help Out!
.....................Donations are Tax Deductible

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Editor's Comments:
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I'm gonna do it!!

I have an old dinette set and a threadbare sofa that would look great next to the storm sewer over by the 4th and Techwood underpass!

A Stone Cold Case

Lost and Found Dept:
 
                          WARREN TOWNSHIP
                    FRIDAY POLICE BLOTTER

                11:30 P.M. -.A tombstone bearing
                the name of **** C. Milt was found
                lying in the middle of Maple Street
                late this afternoon. .Detectives are
                still .attempting .to find the owner
                of the tombstone since...

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Editor's Comments:
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Investigators tried for over seven hours to locate Mr. Milt. .By that time however, the .extra-large .pepperoni, mushroom, and anchovy tombstone was getting old to the point of being inedible.

At that point, they reasoned that the rapidly deteriorating pizza rep- resented a health hazard that put the entire populace of the city at risk. So with utter disregard for their personal safety, the cops neatly ignored the tire mark along one edge and summarily disposed of the dangerous now mouldering pie along with two 12-paks of Budweiser.

In the highest traditions of the service, reflecting great credit upon themselves and their unwavering bravery, yet another baffling case has been resolved and duly closed.

Thanks to the consistently quick and effective thinking of these, our stalwart men in blue, citizens of our fair community remain safe and well protected, whether inside their homes or out.
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We walk our streets free from danger, knowing that although unseen, unknown, and largely unrecognized, dedicated professional officers of the law remain ever vigilant.

Well done I say... Oh, well done indeed!!

The 4 O'Clock Coffee Break

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Dumb Crooks Dept:

Headline:
........................Cops Halt Doughnut
.............................Shop Robbery

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Editor's Comment:
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This was not particularly hard to do as there were 14 patrolmen and 3 state troopers already at the scene of the crime when it occurred.

Strike Three, Yer Out!!

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Sports Dept:

Headline:
..................Blind Cabbie Forced To
.................Abandon Driving

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Editor's Comment:
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Good thing he didn't quit his day job as an umpire...

The Good Old Days

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Old-Fashioned Heartburn Dept:

..................CASPER'S BONELESS
.....................OLD-FASHIONED
.......................PIT BARBEQUE
........................SANDWICHES

............In old-fashioned microwaveable
............packages. Warms up easily for a
........... delicious treat .in only 1 minute.
....................................*
...........#911 three lbs. average, $12.50
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Editor's Comments:
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Isn't technology great?? .I remember way back when...

It was awful! .Those ancient old-fashioned primitive microwaves they had in the olden days could take up to three full minutes to heat up one of them good old-fashioned barbeque sandwiches.

The Tightwad

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Help Wanted Dept:

..........NEED BABYSITTER AT MY HOME
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............Bring own breakfast, dinner, supper.
............Light .housework, cleaning, cooking
............required while you watch my 4 kids.
............Stay until I get back.
............Hours: ..6:15 A.M. until whenever.
............No TV/visitors or overtime pay.
............Call 438-1573 after 9 P.M.

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Editor's Comment: Ask for Ebenezer Scrooge or Simon Legree.
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