I Don't CARE!!

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Dear Readers,
After reading an assortment of more than boring online news articles this morning The Editor started to worry about his flagging interest in current affairs, not only from around the world, but close to home.

Ever the analytic, he sorted the facts of the dilemma into logical order and constructed a graph which displays this succinct conclusion.

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Editors Comment:  Everything is fine [huge sigh]. What a relief!
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Jolly is as jolly does...

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Dear Readers,
'Tis the season to be jolly, and down in this neck of the woods we know how to jolly things up clean through the daggone holiday season.

Click here

for Yuletide joy - Suth'un style, doan-cha-know!

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Editor's Comment:
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Y'all have a merry Christmas and Happy New Year now, ya' heah?
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An Old-Fashioned Christmas

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Click here  and listen to TWO verses!

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Editor's Comment:
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Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
Swaller dollar cauliflower alley-garoo!

Don't we know archaic barrel
Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou?
Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!

Bark us all bow-wows of folly,
Polly wolly cracker 'n' too-da-loo!
Donkey Bonny brays a carol,
Antelope Cantaloupe, 'lope with you!

Bark us all bow-wows of folly,
Double-bubble, toyland trouble! Woof, woof, woof!
Tizzy seas on melon collie!
Dibble-dabble, scribble-scrabble! Goof, goof, goof!

Hunky Dory's pop is lolly

Gaggin' on the wagon Willy, folly go through!
Chollie's collie barks at Barrow,
Harum scarum five alarm bung-a-loo!

Dunk us all in bowls of barley,
Hinky dinky dink an' polly voo!
Chilly Filly's name is Chollie,
Chollie Filly's jolly chilly view halloo!

One of the all-time greats!
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A Child in a Grown-Man's Body

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Dear Readers,
The Editor has to admit that he'd like to be as carefree, content and unassuming as Mr. Bean.  Actually, I'll wager that we all would.  

Click here

to see Mr. Bean save The Little Lord  Jesus.

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Editor's Comment: Mr. Bean... my hero!!
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Laughin' Out Loud

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Dear Readers,
Hollywood Squares was one of The Editor's favorite TV game shows, not for the game itself, but for the never-ending humor and wit of the panelists.

Here are some favorite questions and "answers" to tickle your funny bone.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should pretty well do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and think that he is attractive, is it okay to ask him if he's married right away?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your 5 senses diminishes as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older do you gesture more with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: Peter, you ask me one more growing old question and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. In Hawaii does it take more than three words to say I Love You?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a 20.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles so easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: No, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.

Q. Back in the olden days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car but all the rest of it is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason said that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers what are 2 things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

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Editor's Comment:
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Ahhhh hahahaha Ohhhhhhh hahahahahaha... see what I mean?
 

Frosty's Surprise

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Editor's comment:
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Oh well... at least he didn't pick a crooked-neck squash.
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With this ring...

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There Otta Be a Law Dept:
(and I think that there is...)

Dateline: July, 1952 
Tulsa Tribune
Upcoming Nuptials:

..ENGAGEMENT ANNOUNCED

FOR SISTER, BROTHER

Mr. and Mrs. Robert Froumas are pleased to announce the engagement of their daughter Wilhelmina Froumas to Mr. Len Hall of Bixby, OK who...

--------------------------------------------

Mr. and Mrs. William Petrial are pleased to announce the engagement of their daughter Silvia Petrial to Robert Froumas II of 115 S. Utica here in...
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-The Tulsa Tribune: July, 1952

***

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Editor's Comments:
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In the mid 90's while preparing for my Father's estate sale, I actually saw this article from a copy of The Tribune that had been lining the bottom of a dresser drawer for more than 40 years.
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My double-take gave me a crick in the neck that lasted two full days, but the horselaugh I had was worth every penny of it. On recovery from my almost slipped disk, I clipped the article and put it in my "Memories" file where it remains to this day.

Except for the names and addresses, which of course have been changed, the article reads pretty much the way it was published.
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After all these years, I wonder if the happy couples are still hitched???
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If they are, in 2012 they'll celebrate their Diamond Anniversary.
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Wouldn't that be GREAT?

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A little nostalgia from that bygone era of long ago...

In 1952 the Korean Conflict was in full swing and the Sooner state had yet to repeal prohibition.  It had been only 3 years since the common folk of Tulsa were treated to a real live local TV station, KOTV - channel 6.
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Now they could see first hand the way the rest of the world was doing business; IF they could find a TV to watch.

TV was such a big deal in Tulsa that MY Father, a 3rd generation Master Plumber and part owner of the company run by HIS Father, jumped at the business opportunity and began selling and repairing TVs IN the plumbing shop. And he did very well at it too!
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We had a family joke that he used a pipe-wrench and blowtorch to repair sets that were on the fritz.  My artistic Sister went so far as to create his Fathers' Day card which showed a man using a plumber's friend and a pair of vice-grips to fix a Motorola that was acting up.
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All of this of course meant that WE had our very own TV!
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Oh BOY!!

So mornings, we were all glued to the screen of our tiny vacuum tube set and The Today Show with Dave Garroway. .As witness to a live-feed, I was seeing pictures of things going on right then and there in New York City; The Big Apple!

Who would believe that??
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In the summer of 1952 fresh out of second-grade, I watched both the Democratic and Republican National Conventions - LIVE!... not that I really wanted to, but there was only the one channel, so I had no other choice. Besides, back in those days if it was broadcast at all, it made no difference what was airing... everybody tuned in.
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So I, along with a majority of Oklahomans, sported an I Like Ike button, and at the tender age of 8 became not only somewhat politically knowledgeable but intensely interested in the election itself.
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But despite TV, radio was not dead. Far from it...

We all kept our habit of sitting out on the porch in the cool of the evenings, listening to Fibber McGee and Molly,. Henry Aldrich,. Amos and Andy,. The Damon Runyon Theater, and Archie.
..

(Click to hear old-time radio shows online)

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And then there were Saturday mornings.
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I lived for Saturday morning radio!
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The Lone Ranger, Tales of Uncle Remus, and Howdy Doody*... all were treasured by kids nation-wide as magic in a little black box.
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* Yes indeed, The Howdy Doody Show was on radio as well as TV.
..
With the advent of Saturday morning TV it got even better.. Mighty Mouse,. Sky King, our .beloved Lone Ranger ... secret messages that could only be read if you sent away for the official decoder...

Those were the good old days... yes they were!!

***

... back to the engagement article in the 1952 Tribune ...

It took until 1959 to take care Oklahoma's prohibition laws, but I do not know if the sister/brother thing is off the books even yet.

I think that it is, so if you need that kind of action, you will probably have to find a place with some Hatfield and McCoy types. The last I heard you could find them up in hillbilly country, wherever that is.
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Let Freedom Ring

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Editor's Comments:
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Today is Veterans' Day.

But when I was growing up it was called Armistice Day.

Armistice Day was established November 11, 1919 by President Woodrow Wilson in remembrance of the armistice signed in Compiègne Forest, France at 11:11 on 11/11/1918 which formally ended World War I, The Great War.

Its name was changed June 1, 1954 by President Eisenhower, honoring all military veterans, both active and retired.

I stand proudly along with millions of others as a Veteran of the Armed Forces of the United States.  I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat.

Yes indeed:

Let  Freedom  Ring !!

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The Well-Traveled Adventurer

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Dear Readers,

During the past 45 years, thanks to his associations with the U.S. Army and Delta Air Lines, The Editor's handsome mug has been seen in many places over this wide world of ours.

To say that my travels have been nothing more than interesting would be an inaccuracy of the highest order.

You may ask So where are these fascinating places Mr. Editor?  Of course you may NOT ask, but I'm going to tell you anyway.

A HUGE advocate of logic, it has proven to be the mainstay of my life. This being the case, logically we'll start off with some places that I haven't been. (Do not question this.  It is the way MY logic works.)

***

Whenever I travel I'm almost always alone. This explains why I have never been in Cahoots. You have to be in Cahoots WITH someone.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump to Conclusions. Laws of physics prohibiting The Editor's body mass from leaving the planet's surface long enough to jump to Conclusions, a trip there is not in the cards, at least not at the present time. If my diet works... Nahhh.

As before, these are places that I have NOT been. Since telling where I have not been could take all day, we will now move right along to places that I HAVE been.

***

I have been in Doubt, but never for long. Doubt is a very uncertain place to be, and not on my list of favorites. Whenever I'm in Doubt I try to keep a low profile, imagining instead that I'm in Visible.  

Editor's note: Well... it works for ostriches.

I've visited in Flexible but just briefly. If you go to Flexible beware as there is no room for error. Being in Flexible is usually not a real good idea.

Age taking its ugly toll, I find myself in Capable more and more. Being in Capable is a never any fun and is usually a very frustrating experience.

As Time marched on I visited in Doors again and again. Since it's common knowledge that being in Doors too much isn't healthy, I abandoned Doors for its sister city. But when I arrived in Side, I could see no apparent change, as when I was in Side it seemed to be exactly the same as being in Doors.

I always look forward to finding myself in Suspense, where the outcome of everything could turn out to be anything.  Visiting Suspense is more than exciting since whatever it may be is always in doubt up to the last tick.

Once it was reported that I was in Sane, but as I was traveling in Cognito at the time cleverly disguised as a traveling salesman, how I was recognized is beyond me.

Go figure!

When I was younger I was in Touch, but that happened so long ago that I can't remember anything at all about it.

So - since I'm presently here and not there, logically I will grudgingly have to admit that I am indeed out of Touch.

What?? I - am out of TOUCH??  MOI???

Do you mean to stand there and tell me
that my son is logically right after all?

The NERVE!! 

I hate logic!!
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It's that time again...

.

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Editor's Comments:
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To most, Fall Back signals that the glorious and long-anticipated extra hour of sleep has arrived at last; and it does, it does - sort of...

Sort of, since I've learned through the years that this wonderful, precious, extra hour is canceled out with interest when, after nimbly springing out of the sack an hour too early, the better part of my morning is spent tediously re-setting every clock in the house... except ONE.

I always manage to forget ONE! 

Finally, my duty justly done, after but a fleeting 4 months Spring Ahead once again opens its gaping maw.

Oh joy! I just can't WAIT!!

Maybe the world will end early and I'll be spared the pain and agony.

The Master

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Dear Readers,

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was the foremost musical virtuoso of all time.

Recognized quickly as a prodigy, at an early age he could perform difficult selections flawlessly on the clavichord with a cloth held in front of the keys to prevent him from seeing his hands.

His was a genius yet to be surpassed.

Listen now, and marvel to the famous Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, 1st Movement (Allegro), performed by the well known Advent Chamber Orchestra.

Click here for their first class performance and a captivating bar-graph score that progressively shows the orchestra's mix during the work.

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Editor's Comment:
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It gave the Editor goosebumps... and that's a LOT of bumps.

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A tight squeeze

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Dear Readers,
Throughout the ages mankind has often pondered the question:

Just exactly what is a calorie?

Now, after long and arduous research, the answer has been found at last.

Calories are the little weasels that sneak into your closet at night and sew all of your clothes tighter.

My wardrobe is infested with the dad-gum things.

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Editor's Comment:  Raaaaaaid!!
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Baby it's cold inside

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Editor's Comment: What can I say?
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Parent Trap

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Dear Readers,

Raising teens is without a doubt the hardest job in the world.

But when you finally see that they "get it", the reward of a job well done is worth all the time, trouble, expense, and frustration. 

When my son was 15, I told him that he'd taught me a valuable lesson. Taken aback, he asked me what it was.

I said that I'd learned from him that at 15, you're a genius. Then, with every passing year you get a little stupider until at 58 you're a total idiot.
 

My reward came with his graduation from High School, where he earned a Hope Scholarship.
 

Standing there proudly in his cap and gown, he told me "Thanks Dad!"
 

I was overwhelmed. Those words were all I ever wanted to hear.

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Polish is as Polish does

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A customer asks a stock boy, 

Where can I find the Polish sausage?

The boy asks, Are you Polish?

The man, clearly offended, says, Yes I am. 

But let me ask you some questions.

If I ask for pepperoni, am I Italian?

Or if I ask for bratwurst, am I German?

If I ask for a kosher hot dog am I Jewish?

Or if I ask for chow mein am I Chinese?

 .
If I ask for Gruyere am I from Switzerland?

How about apple pie? If I ask for apple pie am I A m e r i c a n?

The clerk said, No, not necessarily.

If I ask for a taco, am I Mexican? says the man continuing on, his voice starting to rise.
 
The clerk replies, No, no, no - not necessarily.
 
So just because I ask for Polish sausage, why do you ask if I'm Polish? screams the guy.

 
... whereupon the clerk says calmly...

Because, Mister; you're at Home Depot!!

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Editor's Comment:
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I wonder if the schmo ever found out where the Polish sausage was?
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You don't know Jack...

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Dear Readers: Several years ago Twisted Humor.com produced a video, The Complete History of Jack Schitt which went viral across the U.S.of A.

Sent to me via a link to Anvari.org, I recognized the work as coming from a noon-time email sent to co-workers that I had written in 1998.

I was able to locate the animator Dave Ensign, who told me that Twisted Humor scoured the internet for funny stories to publish on their site.

It was agreed that Jack should come to life when my story was submitted to Dave for animation and work began on the project in earnest.

Although heavily edited in its final form, Dave's popular version of Jack left my intriguing tale largely intact.

I called Ahmad Anvari in California who had published Twisted's production of Jack to his site and after talking with him for over an hour and sending him a copy of the original text, he agreed to give me credit for the work on his page.  Oh joy! I was famous at last.

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Editor's Comments:
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Click here to see the link for the credit.  Note: While the link to animation itself has been deactivated on Ahmad's page, the credit itself remains intact.

Click here for the link to Twisted Humor's animated story.

With a bit of added clip art and highlighting, here's the original as I sent it.

=================================================

980722

Signs Found in the U.S. of A. Dept:

On a 1971 truck in Jackson, GA:

*---------------------------*

|                                              |

|   S_____ HAPPENS  |

|                                              |

*---------------------------*

Editor's Comments: After much reflection on the true meaning of this sign, the Editor decided to research its origins. 

My work now at an end, results are provided below for all Lampooners*:
* Members of our office Lampoon Club

=================================================

While 'surfing the web', one of the hits came up Jack Schitt. This made the Editor reflect on a popular and much used saying, to wit:

You don't know Jack Schitt!

Many people are at a loss for a response when told bluntly to their face You don't know Jack Schitt!

Just who was this Jack Schitt??? Although it took many hours, here is the story in its entirety.

===================================

It all started with Awe Schitt, a 19th century itinerant laborer and his wife O. Schitt who worked part-time both as a gardener and chambermaid.

The Schitts emigrated from Europe around the turn of the century seeking to improve their lot in life and when they reached the 'promised land' at last, they prospered.   Awe became a fertilizer magnate, and O. was the founder, owner, and proprietor of Knee Deep 'n Schitt Inc.

Through their only son, Jack, an impressive family of little Schitts was generated. Lineage follows:

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. Six children were born to the couple; Holi Schitt, the twins Deep and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt who was a shifty-eyed sidestepping politician.

After being married for 15 years Noe left Jack and married a certain Mr. Sherlock.  Because the kids were living with her, she was determined to keep her previous name so, albeit somewhat confusing, she was now known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Holi Schitt joined a convent when she was 14. Accused of tarnishing the family image by Grandpa Awe Schitt, she was never heard from again.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt. The couple had two sons; Chicken Schitt, who was an inveterate coward and Dum Schitt, a high school dropout.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and eventually married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
.

The Schitt/Happens kids were Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horse Schitt by Fulla, and Steppin Schitt by Giva.

 
On the occasion of their parents' 50th anniversary the kids presented Fulla and Giva with custom license plates embossed with the families' names SCHITT - HAPPENS. 


However many people misinterpreted the meaning of these plates, and they were outlawed in a good number of places including the state of Georgia.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He married, and brought his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt back to the U.S.of A. 

They produced a daughter, Notwortha Schitt, and a son named Migh Schitt. As it turns out, even though it flaunts a long-standing family tradition, Migh is a perennial favorite at reunions since he is the only one who never stinks.

THE END

=================================================

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Now, when someone says You don't know Jack Schitt, you can beg to differ.
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The End of it All

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Editor's Comment: Goodbye cruel world....
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A Little Sidestep...

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Dear Readers,

The game below was designed with our esteemed leader in mind, but in truth it could fit any politician, any speech, any time, any place.

Given the ongoing shenanigans in our nation's capital, attention must be drawn to certain buzzwords and phrases to alert the unsuspecting of ongoing political doublespeak, bother the occasion or affiliation.

With that in mind, here for your edification is:

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Editor's Comments:
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Rules

1. Before any political speech, print your Barack's BS Bingo card.
2. Put an X in the block when you hear one of the phrases on the card.
3. If you've 5 blocks in a row horizontally, vertically or diagonally:

Stand up and shout

BULLSHIT!!

Note: Any proceeds from BBB go to the Intn'l Texas Longhorn Assn.

A Tale of Two Trucks

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It all started when Henry drove his car off the dock into the water. You can see him standing on it, holding his brand new AAA card.

AAA having been called and the tow truck finally on site, all is well. Up we go now... there's a good lad.

But wait... Sir Isaac Newton might have something to say about this.

It turns out that Sir Isaac knew his stuff!  Good man, Sir Isaac.

Hello, AAA?  This is Henry again.  Uhhhh - we seem to have a small problem. Would you please send another... I know; I know you did. Yes, of course you're quite right. I can't believe it either. By-the-bye you will send a bigger truck this time? Yes, that's right... BIGGER!

Yet again, AAA dashes to the rescue! This should do the trick, eh?

And now, for our competitor's truck. This is A HOOT!!!  We'll never let those idiots live this one down!  Not in a million gazillion years!

It seems to be quite heavy but we'll do this even if it takes two men and a goat.  Stiff upper lip lads.  All together now - HEAVE HO!!!

Arrrrrrghhhhh!!!

Hello, AAA?  This is Henry again. Uhh - we seem to have a small problem. Could you send another.... Yes, yes, I know you did...

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Editor's Comment:  I say "Get a horse!"
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What's what at the zoo

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Dear Readers,

There are some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for groups of animals to be found in the English language.

A group of jellyfish is called a smack, magpies a charm and mice a mischief. A group of otters is called a romp, tigers an ambush, pigs a litter.

There are prides of lions, exaltations of doves, murders of ravens, herds of asses, schools of fish and parliaments of owls.

A group of unicorns is called a blessing, kangaroos a mob, frogs an army, rhinos
a crash and whales a pod.

But let us now consider the baboon...one of the loudest, most dangerous, viciously aggressive and obnoxious of all primates.

So what pray tell, is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Yes, that's right...

A Congress!
.

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Editor's Comment:

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Why am I not surprised? I do think that the asses thing fits very well for a goodly number of our esteemed legislators.