He Was All Broken Up...

.
Quoth the Raven,
Nevermore Dept:

Classifieds:
.....................FOR SALE CHEAP
..................Wheelchair, hospital .bed,
..................neck/knee braces, walker,
..................deluxe sliding chair guide,
..................and a .750 cc motorcycle.

*******************
Editor's Comment: Gee, I wonder what must have happened?
*******************

A Hot Time in the Old Town...

.
That's Amazing Dept:

.....................CHARCOAL BRIQUETTES
.........................DESTROYED BY FIRE

Pine City, AZ:

..........Fire broke out in a warehouse containing more
..........than 1000 tons of charcoal briquettes Tuesday
..........according to local authorities. The entire inven-
..........tory was declared a .total loss by a .spokesman
..........for the.... Once started, the fire .spread quickly
..........through stacked sacks of charcoal and... stated
..........Willie Scorchit, chief company foreman..Inves-
..........tigators suspect arson as the cause of the...

********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
OK... so a fire bug managed to get 1000 tons of charcoal briquettes lit up, and during the process somehow, someway, got the blaze to not only spread, but spread... quickly??

I'd give a brand-new nickel to find out how!

I can't seem to get as much as a grillfull of charcoal going good before everyone gives up in disgust and calls out for a pepperoni pizza.

"The Sky Is Falling" said...

.
Apocalypse Now Dept:

..............The Good News Announcer
.................vol. 5....no. 5.......May, 2009

......................THE END IS HERE
.................It's time to prepare etc. etc...
.................your salvation...pray to be...
.................etc...redemption is the...etc..

*******************
Editor's Comment: I wonder what the bad news is?
*******************

It's A Dog's Life

.
Such a Deal Dept:

..................Will Swap:.White satin wedding
..................gown (worn once) for 50 pounds
..................fresh or 75 pounds dry dog food.

-The Kentucky Gentleman News-Trader
********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
What happened here was that at the reception, the bride thought that she overheard one of the guest's say that she "looked like a dog".

Depressed, she developed a phobia, refusing all nourishment except dry Gravy Train. She also insisted on bringing in the evening paper between her teeth, but worst of all took to chasing cars as they pass- ed by the house, snapping at their tires with great abandon.

So - seeing no need for a wedding gown any longer, and in order to keep his new bride happy, the unfortunate husband posted the above notice to the 'For barter or trade' section of The Kentucky Gentle- man, a news flyer widely distributed throughout the local area.

The tragic part is that the guest was not talking about the bride at all.

He was relating the fact that during the reception he had consumed so much raspberry punch and wedding cake that he planned to go home and "sleep like a log".

The bride is currently undergoing .psychoanalysis, however while progress is being made and she will now accept Purina in addition to the Gravy Train, there is reportedly no hope for a complete recovery.

Resigned to the situation, the groom's only comment when asked was: "Yup, she's got a purty big appetite, but she's cheap to feed."

Sweet and Sour What?

.
Retractions Dept:

............................CORRECTION
...................................****
....Due to clerical .error made during translation
....the Ling-Ho.Chinese Restaurant ad that ran in
....last Thursday's Pennysaver/News was wrong.

....The ad read:

.....特别菜单星期五晚上- 虾和竹子鞋子

....It should have read:

... .特别菜单星期五晚上- 虾和笋

....We regret some .inconvenience to our loyal,
      fine, handsome, valued customers they had.
... Please to kindly excuse it ... Okey Dokey.
....Wong So Fah
....Manager - Ling-Ho Chinese Restaurant

********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
Aha!. 虾和笋 is it? .Well! .That does indeed make a huge difference!
-----------------------------------------------
But there is a story behind all of this...

You see, I went to the Ling-Ho Chinese Restaurant last Friday even- ing as is my habit, expecting the house special that I ordered to be the ususal Shrimp with Bamboo Shoots.

Imagine my surprise when instead, the waitress trotted out a steam- ing plate of succulent tiger shrimp - with bamboo SHOES!

It was fascinating. I had never before known that shrimp actually wore shoes, but there they were... one shoe on each little foot.

Amaaazing!

Now I know it took a lot of work gettin' them tee-tiny little shoes on there and all, but still... I mean geeze anyway...

Then, to top things off, I found that not ONE of those shrimp was wearing any socks. Can you imagine???

That is SO NASTY!!

When I complained to the Manager Mr. Wong, he smiled, bowed and scraped, then apologized profusely, but told me they had to serve what was in the Pennysaver/News or be sued for false advertising.

The shrimp part of the meal actually turned out to be rather good, but the bamboo shoes were more than disgusting... even after I'd slather- ed sweet and sour sauce all over them.

It probably would have helped if they'd cleaned up the clogs a bit be- fore serving them to their best paying customers; especially since it was obvious that the shrimp had just been wokking around in them - ...and that, for who knows how long?

Oh well... at least the typo of the 'shoots' part came out "shoes" 鞋子 and not "shorts" 内衣.* What a mess that could have been!!

* If worst came to worst and the misprint had indeed turned out to be "shorts" I wonder if they'd have served "Floot of the Looms"?

The Tusker

.
Partytime Notice Dept.

.....................Come One, Come All

..........................FIRST ANNUAL
....................Animal Abuse Council
.........................Benefit Pig Roast

9 A.M. trail ride (bring your own hoss)
2 P.M. pig roast
Saturday, American Ozarks Campground
Hwy 74 and Jorda Road

*******************
Editor's Comment:
*******************
I wonder what the pig has to say about all of this?

Potted Plants?

.
Political Article of the Times:

32 FOUND IGNORANT ENOUGH TO SERVE ON NORTH JURY

Washington D.C. - After four days of questioning prospective jurors, the judge and lawyers in Oliver North's Iran-Contra trial are learning that even here in the news center of the world, there remain people ignorant enough of events...

********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
(originally published in 1989... but still more than applicable)
Ignorance?? If they were really lookin' for ignorance, from what I've seen, read, and heard lately they should have tried Capitol Hill.

It wudda' been a done deal in ten minutes.

Other than that, D.C. in general seems like a fine choice indeed.