Ride 'em Cowboy!

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Rodeo Dept:

In Redbank, ND a rodeo bull threw its rider, chased a clown out of the ring, jumped three fences then burst into the ladies' bathroom where, due to her interest in Cowgirl Magazine, a local woman was involved in an unusually prolonged process of powdering her nose.
No matter how badly you have to 'go', one should always have the common courtesty to wait in line the same as everybody else.
The animal crashed into the alcove where Ms. Barbara Flushczynskie was rudely stalling the competition, injuring her right arm and shoul- der, then .kicked out the bathroom sink before the woman was rescu- ed by cowboys who had responded quickly to her screams for help.
Not only quickly, but to their unabated glee if I know cowboys...

-The Santa Carboñera Chronicle
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Editor's Comment:
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And since I DO know cowboys, I also know that Barbara would have been MUCH better off stickin' with the bull!!

This is a clear cut case of out of the fryin' pan, into the fire...

The Scrimmage

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Boys Will Be Boys Dept:

Sports Section:

.....The head football coach at Ronsonville .High School was
.....placed on .probation today, and 20 varsity players were
.....suspended along with 12 cheerleaders, after a videotape
.....was circulated showing .them playing Twister in the buff
.... during the team's annual spring/summer training camp.

- ***** Post Gazette-Picayune
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Editor's Comment:
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But that's not the whole story folks - and aren't you glad, as things were just beginning to get interesting.

The following was discovered later in the Gazette-Picayune cub re- porter's original submission, which had been heavily edited at the request of beleaguered officers sitting on the local school board.

State School Superintendent Marlene Attleboro stated to reporters that she ordered disciplinary action after it was found that not all members of the squad were invited to participate in the event.

Absolutely no discrimination of any nature will be tolerated in our public school systems, whether by students or staff, declared Ms... and on and on and on...

Now I ask you Dear Readers... How noble is that??

Your guess is as good as mine as to why the reporter's initial account was ever edited in the first place. .Anyway...

The good news is that after extensive media coverage, Ronsonville's football squad jumped from 34 members to 196 even though there were only 157 pupils enrolled in the entire student body.

So the story has a happy ending after all.

... I wonder what kind of season they had??

Brother Can You Spare a Dime...

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Will Now Work for Whatever,
Whenever, Anytime or Place,
Right This Very Minute Dept:

Headline:

.............COUNTY TO CREMATE POOR PEOPLE

-The Briscoe Free Press
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Editor's Comment:
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I don't know about y'all, but this takes care of the welfare line for me.

I think I can... I think I can...

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Dateline October, 1989
Astrakhan, Russia:

Dr. V. Frenkel, a Soviet psychic healer and mentalist, felt that he had gathered the necessary psycho-biological powers to stop a speeding train, so he stepped in front of one to prove it.
Gedouddahere... even Superman could barely stop a mere speeding bullet. BTW, have you ever noticed how Superman, the patriarch of superheroes always ducks when one of the bad guys throws an emp- ty gun at him even though he 'stops speeding bullets'? .Go figure!
Now... back to Dr. Frenkel...
Found after the fact amongst the good Doctor's professional papers were brave words that he had written before this, his ultimate test:
First I stopped a bicycle...
Riding on it at the time, he effectively used the brakes.
then cars,
... while hitchhiking... this did not always work.
and a streetcar.
He was waiting in line and got on with everybody else.
Now I'm going to stop a train. Only in extraordinary conditions of a direct threat to my person will all my reserves be called into action.
Nooooo... It'll never wooork... Nooooo... get off the traaaaacks...
Frenkel jumped in front of an express train near the city of Astrakhan leaning forward, his arms raised, eyes closed, and body tensed.
hardhead...
The train ran over and killed him.
... but not hard enough.

Reported by the Soviet political newspaper
Советская Россия
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Editor's Comments:
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Too bad. He should have bought a ticket like he did for the streetcar.

Then the Russkies could've claimed they invented the power of posi- tive thinking along with baseball, hotdogs, apple pie, and Chevrolet.

Danse Macabre... Really!

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Dear Readers: Turn on your sound...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hD_ucDQJMY

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Editor's Comments:
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Oh my word... what an absolute side-splitter!

Hoy-ah, hoy-ah, hoy-ah HO!! .Roflmao

It Doesn't Take a Rocket Scientist...

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Moonlighting Dept.

...............DESIGN A SAFE NUCLEAR POWER
..........................PLANT AND WIN $500

-Design News
2/2/89
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Editor's Comment:
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Here's a fun and easy way to earn a little extra cash in your spare time... Have a go at it, do... Hey - it could happen...

Sticky Fingers

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Law and Order Dept:

Headline:
.................DEPUTY APPREHENDED AFTER
.................ROBBERY OF DOUGHNUT SHOP

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Editor's Comment:
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He said he didn't do it, but couldn't wiggle off the hook once they saw the glazed look in his eyes.