I'll get you my pretty...

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Panic Stricken Dept:

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Editor's Comment:
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Pa-kaaaaawk!! .Master, Master... alien zombies in the back yard!

Trekkies Only... others need not apply...

Stardate 40345.21 Dept:

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Classifieds:

The first Star Trek Community will form
for mature trekkers of...

Mature?
Does this mean mature like the lovely Counselor Troi or maybe Lt. O'Hura?

The Community will feature structured community life...

Meaning they boss you around all they want and you have to do it...

...expressing core values of ST on a realistic...

Excuse me?

...level. .Requirements: Responsible self-supporting individuals...

Aha - they only want geezers with bucks...

Send legal SASE and autobiography in your letter of interest to Star Trek Community, Box 4389, Cary NC 27511.

Located apx. 14 miles northeast of Mayberry R.F.D.

- StarLug Magazine

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Editor's Comment:

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I would never write to this address in a million years as I would be absolutely terrified that it might actually exist.
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On the other hand... Counselor Troi... Lt. O'Hura... hmmmm...
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Beam me up Scotty!

The Great Banana Shootout

Unregistered Weapons Dept:
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Dateline: Anchorage, AK:
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.....POLICE NAB BANANA BANDIT
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A man armed with a banana in a bag didn't give police Sergeant Roger O'Lyon the slip.
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The robber held up seven convenience stores,
groceries andlfast-foodlrestaurants Thursday
morning using a large semi-concealed banana.
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After a brief chase, O'Lyon was able to arrest
Peter Randal31,lof Anchorage who hid in the
produce section of O'Herlihie's Supermarket.
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In an attempt to get rid of his weapon, Randa
tried to eat the banana, but was stopped by...
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Charged with seven counts of armed robbery,
Randa is currently being held in the...
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Editor's Comments:
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This article makes the police look like investigative heroes.
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Really they knew who and where the culprit was after the 1st robbery, but were afraid to do anything while the banana was still loaded.
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Of course as most everyone knows, after six shots you're out of ammo so after the sixth holdup when there was no danger of anyone getting hurt, the gendarmes sprang into action and Officer O'Lyon was able to nab the crook just as he was about to consume his heater.
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The cops were somewhat baffled when the results of numerous ballis- tics tests on the banana turned up negative. .But this did not develop into a real issue since the charge of armed robbery had to be dropped due to a lengthy wait for a court appearance which caused Exhibit A of the prosecution's evidence to rot in it's brown paper sack.
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All of this may seem very strange, but the truth of the matter is that it had been such a long time since anyone in Anchorage had even seen a banana that they were at a total loss on how to handle the unusual situation, procedures not being addressed in police training manuals.

I wonder what caliber of banana it was?

Fiz-ical Fitness

Decisions, decisions Dept:
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Classified/Local Activities:
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......RUN AND BIKE RIDE
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.......Tulsa Wheelmen's
..For Fitness Run and Ride
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Runlatl11:30 a.m, cycling 20-30
miles at 13-17 mph at noon-58th
Street parking lot at River Parks.
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Anyone is welcome to skip either
the running or the cycling.
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-The Tulsa Tribune
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Editor's Comments:
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Not being able to decide which one I would rather skip, I think that this time around I will stay at home and eat jelly-doughnuts.
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Gator Aid

Crocodile Hunter Dept:
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Local/State:
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A sick alligator was reported in a pond on
Hendrix Road June 8 by Ms. Gloria Stone
ofl28lRiverviewlCourt, Ft. Slaughterdale.
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Stone said she called 911 because she hop-
edlthatlthey would send someone to take
care of the "poor darling little thing".
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Police came, but after observing the 9 foot
gator for 10 minutes quickly left the scene
without making a report, telling Ms. Stone
that it didn't look that sick to them.
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Editor's Comments:
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Picking up the request from the dispatcher on my Bearcat scanner, I was able to reach the scene in time to witness this incident firsthand.
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What happened was that the officers told the truth...
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...but not the whole truth.
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It's true that the alligator did not look sick... not when I saw it!
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It looked mad... and not only mad, but MAD as HELL!!
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The fact of the matter was, the police did not want ANY PART of a mad alligator AT - A-LLL!! .Not even a LITTLE bit!

Soooooooo...
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They decided to leave well enough alone and hope that it would go somewhere else. Besides, since it was past the time for their coffee break, they reasoned that before getting too rash it would be much better to talk things through and come up with a game-plan of sorts over a cup or 3 of java and a heaping plateful of Bismarks at the nearest Dunkin' Donuts - wherever that might be.
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But I was curious as to how a sick alligator might actually look.
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So I called Ms. Stone to find out.
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She said that when she saw the reptile, it had a runny nose, an icepack on its head, and a thermometer in its mouth.
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Ask a silly question...

Slap StickUp

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Try try again Dept:
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Local/State:
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. .............BANK ROBBERY FOILED
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On November 18,lalman wearing a sweatshirt
with the hood pulled tightly over his head and
a blue mask covering all but his eyes pounded
on the front door of the Security Federal Bank
of Retchester, scaring employees who were in-
side at the time, tallying the days receipts.
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After several attempts tolpushlopen the front
door whichlwaslplainlylmarked pull, the man
fled into the street. Police at the scene said that
almost the same identical thing happened at an-
other area bank last June but didn't give...
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Editor's Comments:
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The suspect was spotted at nearby coin laundry hiding inside a dryer, but when officers approached he quickly vanished into Flocher's Dis- count Department store located across the street, apparently hoping to lose himself in the weekend crowd of bargain-hunting shoppers.
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Not realizing that he was still masked, he jumped onto a broken esca- lator where he remained, nonchalant and totally unaware that he did- n't particularly seem to be going anywhere.
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Easily spottinglthelmotionless fugitive despitelthelbustling throng, Sergeant U. Ben Hadd, an off-duty plainclothesman of the Retchester Vice Squad, made the arrest after receiving an alert on his cell phone.
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A confessionlwaslobtainedlinlshort order. .It was also revealed that
on September 22, the very same man, attempting to enter a different bank, this time through the revolving door in front, proceeded to go all the way around and out again, the same way he entered.
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Totally confused, he returned home to plan his next caper.
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Everything turned out fine when Hollywood heard of the bungled heists because after he got out of the slammer the man auditioned to portray Marv, one of the bungling burglars in the smash hit movie:
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Home Alone

Marv is the one who wore a stocking cap and got smacked in the head with a swinging paint bucket attached to a rope by Kevin McCallister, the home-alone kid who was 10 times smarter than either thief.
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Remember? Oh Noooo - Boink... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
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Now this might seem like a more than tough was to earn a living for some, but at least there is no risk of 5-to-10 in the slammer.

The Confession

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Belly up to the bar Dept:
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A sinner goes into the confessional box.
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He finds on one wall a fully equipped
bar with Guinness stout on tap.
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On the wall opposite is an impressive wine rack filled with premium spirits and a dazzling array of the finest aromatic Cuban cigars.
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The sinner is puzzled at all of this, thinking that he surely must be lost and in the wrong place for his confession.
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Then the Priest comes in.
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The sinner says:
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Father forgivelme, forlit'slbeen a long time since I've been to confession, but I must say, the confes- sional box looks much more inviting than before.
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The Priest replies:
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Get outta there you! .That's my side!
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Editor's Comments:
********************
Later on when he discovered that he'd left both his matches and cigar cutter at the rectory, the Priest decanted* whoops, that's recanted, and let the man come in to the good side of the box after all..
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*He decanted too, but that didn't happen until later on...

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I wonder if they thought about hiring a band...
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Celll-e-brate good times - COME ON!!
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(Kool and the Gang)