Numbah Puuleese...

Noble thoughts Dept:
.
Headline:
.
...................SALVATION ARMY
...............DONATES FREE CALLS
.
......The Salvation Army is encouraging all
......homeless .people to call .home to their
......Mothers, free of charge, for the next 4
......weekends this summer.
.
......Three .telephones will be reserved for
......the free calls between 7 and 10 p.m. at
......4114 W. 23rd street, 0n the sixth floor
......of the main building.
.
......A prayer meeting will be held...
.
********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
Now this article may not seem to make much sense on the face of it, but I will give plenty of dollars to pesos that the lines will be long.

How so? you say...

Let's just you and I pretend that we're listening in on the QT and we'll see how some of these freebie calls are gonna' go...

1. ..Hello Ma? Put me down for a five-spot on Get It Back to place in
.....the 5th.at Pimlico Ma...
.
2. .Hello Ma? This is Bill Joe; how ya doin' Ma? ... yes Ma, Bill Joe...
.....Bill Joe Freebus. .Ma?... hello, .Ma? .Ma? .Hellohellohello, Ma?...
.
3. .Hello Ma? Hello... oh hello... is this the pay phone at the corner
.....of One Way--->.and Don't Walk? ... It is? ....Is my Ma there?
.
4. .Hello Ma? .This is Bill Joe Ma... yes Ma, I'm fine. .Do you still get
.....out next.month Ma?
.
5. .No operator, I don't have the address...
.
6. .Hello Ma? .Ma? .Who is this!!??
.
7. .Ring...riing...riiing...click!...and there's another quarter for Mogen
.-...David ...... Hi there - I'm here to make the free phone call home to
...-.my Ma. .No... No I didn't just make my free call... really.
.
8. .Yes operator, my home phone is 1-900-843-5733...
       really... yes. it IS ...honest injun operator...
.
9. .Hello Ma? ... She's WHERE?
.
10.Hello Ma?.This is Bill Joe. I just wanted to - Yes Ma I brush every
.....day Ma... yes Ma, yes; I am wearing clean underwear Ma...
.
11..Hello Ma? .You sound like you have a cold Ma... oh ... hello Pa.
.
12. Hello Ma? It's Bill Joe Ma... I just want... I know it is Ma... I know...
.0..Don't worry about how I got your number, OK Ma? .Ma?? .Ma??
.
13. Hello Ma? .This is Bill Joe Ma. .Ma? .Ma?... Ma... I know you're
0.0there Ma... C'mon Ma, I heard you say "hello"...

There! .See what I mean?
.
What? .You don't think so??
.
Wanna bet? ...OK then - we'll see about that right now, smart-alek!!
.
... ummm... errrr... uhhhh...
.
You got a quarter?

Chop Shop

In the Dark of the Night Dept:

Headline:
.
...........THIEVES STEAL
..........BURGLAR ALARM
.
*******************
Editor's Comment:
*******************
Fortunately for the victim of the crime, the Porsche attached to the other end of the alarm was left intact.

Heads you lose!

.
Whodunit Dept:
.
Headline:
.
.NO CAUSE OF DEATH DETERMINED
...........FOR BEHEADING VICTIM
.
********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
According to local authorities, the case has
been assigned to an investigative team, led
by Detective Lt. Ichabod Crane.
.
He has been given until Halloween eve' .to come up with some good answers.
.
dit dit dit dit... dit dit dit dit...

Update: The mystery has been solved!

As his first task, Ichabod himself tackled the puzzling matter posed by the headline:What was the cause of death? After but a short pause for thought, he quite astutely concluded that it really didn't matter since the victim was a goner no matter what the reason. More important he decided, was to determine who done it, and how!
.
The prime suspect was initially the Queen of
Hearts. .She had the temperament, method,
madness, resources, and this type of thing fit
her modus operandi to a "T".
.
Crane grilled the Queen intensely but she wouldn't back down, time--after--time insisting to him that she was INNOCENT; that SHE DIDN'T DO IT!!

Ichabod it seems, had run up against a brick wall!

The case seemed to stall, however after intense questioning .by .Deputy Barney Fife, Floyd the barber finally admitted that while it was.purely due to a misconception, he was the guilty party.

It seems that he wasn't exactly sure what the victim meant when he'd told him:

Take a little off the top...

But the story has a happy ending because even
though he had confessed, justice prevailed and Floyd was released without being charged.
.
"After all" said Fife ... "he was only following in- structions given to him by a paying customer."
.
Well done Deputy Fife!! .Well done TEAM!!

CASE CLOSED!!

P.S.
Don't anybody tell the kids or the Boy Scouts about any of this. It'd surely ruin a great old-fashioned sittin'-around-the-campfire story.

Hey Diddle Diddle...

Mad Cow Dept:
.
Headline:
..............LOCAL MAN HIT BY COW
.
..........A .Cresston man was run over by a
..........cow while he was riding his bicycle
..........at the corner of Sycamore and Oak
..........streets Saturday afternoon.
.
..........According to the police report Don
..........Jakobbsen was .uninjured after the
..........cow ran over him while he rode his
..........bicycle, which was a total loss.
.
..........The cow had escaped from a veteri-
..........nary clinic at 1509 Crossman Rd.
.
********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
Now it may seem strange that a man would be run over by a cow, but stranger things have happened.
.
It seems that the cow, after sawing through the bars of its cage in the clinic, had stolen a 1947 Plymouth coupe to complete its getaway.
.
Not being familiar with stick-shift, it lost control of the vehicle, run- ning over Jakobbsen in the process.
.
The terrified cow fled the scene of the accident, panicked, and....

...jumped over the moon.

The little dog laughed to see such sport,
and the dish ran away with the spoon!
.
How about that!!
.
.
When things like this actually happen, all of those childhood nursery rhymes don't seem quite so far-fetched anymore do they?

Geronimo-o-o!

.
Grandstanding Dept:
.
Sports Section:
.
Dateline:
New York, N.Y.
.
......A woman climbed to the top of
......the left-field foul pole at empty
......Shea Stadium yesterday, jump-
......ed over 120 feet .onto the play-
......ing field,.and .survived, accord-
......ing to a police spokesman.
.
......The .42-year-old woman, who
......had been, despondent over re-
......cent.financial losses, landed in
......what .would .be foul .territory
......during.a game...
.
********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
... if the ball lands in foul territory or is touched by a player in foul territory, it is a foul ball. Standard Rules & Regulations of Baseball

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that that jump or no-jump, this woman is a genuine first-class foul ball all by her lonesome.

For those of you who don't know that much about baseball, what this means is that even though the she had two strikes on her it's not over ... at least not quite yet.
.
She gets to jump again to see if she can finally get it right.

Don't tread on me!!

.

Road RAGE Dept:

.
*******************
Editor's Comment: .Pass if you dare...
*******************

You want fries with that?

White meat or dark Dept:

Social Section:
.
..Sunday - Eastern .Bay Shopping Mall:
..A free, guided, bird identification walk
..will visit several regional parks today.
.
..Meet at 11:30 a.m. in the parking lot of
..Kentucky Fried Chicken on Elm.
.
..After the walk, a luncheon .featuring
..choices from a unique menu will be ser-
..ved by KFC.in their main dining room...
.
*******************
Editor's Comment:
*******************
BIRDS... Go Back!!... Go Back!!... STAY AWAAAY... NOOOOO...
SHOO... SHOO... SHOO... LOOK OOOOUT... IT'S A TRIIIICK...