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Dear Readers,
If you've ever thought about visiting "Down Under" there is a good deal of vital information that you should know beforehand.
Below are some problem areas that worried prospective tourists from around the world. Answered succinctly by the Bureau of Australian Tourism, budding fears were promptly put to rest.
Below are some problem areas that worried prospective tourists from around the world. Answered succinctly by the Bureau of Australian Tourism, budding fears were promptly put to rest.
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? Also, I have never seen it rain on TV. How do the plants grow? (India)
A: We import all plants fully grown then just sit around watching them die. Visit our Parliament and you'll find out about the wind part soon enough.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the streets? (UK)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking, Mate. Offhand, we'll give that one a YES... and by the way, they'll all be pink.
______________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Scotland)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water. ______________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? If so, would you please send me a complete list of those found in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (Qatar)
A: What did your last slave die of?
______________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (Japan)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-li-a is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not.. Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (Poland)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (Denmark)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (Italy)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.. Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
______________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
______________________________
Q: Where will I be able to see some Aborigines? (Iceland)
A: In the western part of the country, between Giant Rats and Scorpions (see map). Please come dressed in your native garb, as our Abos are quite fond of taking photos of tourists.
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: Please define the term "supermarket". We are a peaceful nation of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets. The King Brown is our favorite.
______________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (Canada)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking beneath them. You can scare Drop Bears off easily by spraying yourself copiously with human urine before you go out for a hike.
______________________________
Q: I've developed a new product that acts like the Fountain of Youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
______________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
______________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (UK)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it properly first.
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Editor's Comment:
***************
Ohhh - Tie me kangaroo down sport, tie me kangaroo down...
A: We import all plants fully grown then just sit around watching them die. Visit our Parliament and you'll find out about the wind part soon enough.
______________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the streets? (UK)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking, Mate. Offhand, we'll give that one a YES... and by the way, they'll all be pink.
______________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Scotland)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water. ______________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? If so, would you please send me a complete list of those found in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (Qatar)
A: What did your last slave die of?
______________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (Japan)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-li-a is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not.. Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
______________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (Poland)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
______________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (Denmark)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
______________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (Italy)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.. Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
______________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
______________________________
Q: Where will I be able to see some Aborigines? (Iceland)
A: In the western part of the country, between Giant Rats and Scorpions (see map). Please come dressed in your native garb, as our Abos are quite fond of taking photos of tourists.
______________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: Please define the term "supermarket". We are a peaceful nation of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
______________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets. The King Brown is our favorite.
______________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (Canada)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking beneath them. You can scare Drop Bears off easily by spraying yourself copiously with human urine before you go out for a hike.
______________________________
Q: I've developed a new product that acts like the Fountain of Youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
______________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
______________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (UK)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it properly first.
***************
Editor's Comment:
***************
Ohhh - Tie me kangaroo down sport, tie me kangaroo down...
