Extortion Inc. - The Bag Man

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An offer youse can't refuse Dept:

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Editor's Comment:
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Give me half the fish and I'll tell my Mother to let you live...

Suite Tooth

Dumb Crooks Dept:
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Local Crime:
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County.police reported that that the lure of
chocolatelwasltoo .much for a 22-year-old
Oakmont man to resist.
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Darahl Lugg of 321 Sycamore was charged
with breaking and entering and accused of
stealing 3 boxes .of candy from Food Giant
Supermarket located at 1502 West Ave.
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Detectives found Lugg and most of the can-
dy three blocks away by following a trail of
KitKat, M&M, and Hershey wrappers, lead-
ing all the way from the store to where...
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Pending his arraignment, Lugg is currently
being held at the Fulston County...
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Editor's Comments:
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Tried and convicted of the heinous crime, the crook was sentenced to a term of 6 months in the slammer.
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Now dressed in prison oranges, as Lugg was being led from the court- room by the Bailiff the Judge took the opportunity to sarcastically in- form him that since he was so fond of candy he'd now have the oppor- tunity to see how much he enjoyed the rather large supply of assorted suites on the third floor of the county jail.
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Not done with his caustic humor, he also told the crook that he'd have made the sentence longer but he didn't want Lugg to get indigestion
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So now he adds insult to injury. Super! Don't you just love and adore smart-mouthed jurists? .Anyway, justice was apparently served.
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Thinking about the sentence, as The Editor was leaving the courtroom he wondered if Lugg would put on weight while he was in the pokey.
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dit dit dit dit... dit dit dit dit... update!
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It turns out that with virtually unlimited suites available and his for the taking, Lugg not only gained weight, he gained so much weight that he had to change his name to Logg after he got out of the clink.
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All of this just goes to show that you should never-ever go grocery shopping when you've got a case of the hungries.

Bill of Fair

Workaholic Dept:
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Local/State:
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.....LAWYER BILLS STATE FOR
.......DAYS OF OVER 24 HOURS
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LThere are only 24 hours in a day, but not
on the bills for legal services submitted by
the law firm of Forres D. Elliot & Sons.
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Awardedlthelcontract lto defend Missouri
against injured workers who file deceptive
claims against thelstate's 2nd Injury Fund,
Elliot recently submitted bills showing five
days duringlwhich both he and his staff as-
sertively worked more than 24 hours.
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The Office oflthelComptroller paid all of the
bills promptly, apparently with no question
being made to the exorbitant charges.
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May 20th was especially lucrative for Elliot,
whose fee is a standard $70 per hour.
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Thatldaylhis statementlshowedltotals of 71
hours worked for himself and 61.1 for his pa-
ralegal, for whom he charges $35 per hour.
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The grand total of $440,000lpaid to the leg-
al team is a record amount for any....
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Editor's Comments:
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The first thing that caught my eye in this article was the hoosier's name, Forres D. .Never having heard of Forres as a man's name before, I wondered what's up with that anyway???
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But after asking around, it turns out that Forres D. is the way they spell Forrest all over the state of Mizzou!
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This must be one of the reasons that Missouri's well-known nick- name is 'The Show Me State'. Be that as it may, it's plain to see that nobody ever showed them much at all about speling.
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At first glance, this might not sound like it's that big of a deal at all,
but in reality it's a slammer of a put-down since even the nearby Alabama Gumps have long known how to spell Forrest.
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And the tab to MO for just ONE attorney was $440,000 ???
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It sounds like Elliot himself may have learned a bit about the word deceptive from the injured workers does it not?
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With but a sliver of common sense, it don't take no Harvard graduate to figure out that if the state is ready willing and able to cough up that kind of cash, it'd be both simpler and cheaper to pay the piddling little dab of worker's comp in the first place and be done with it all.
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So on top of spelling, it seems that nobody ever showed Missouri's bureaucrats anything about common sense either. .Of course that's more than true about bureaucrats in any state of the union.
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Oh where art thou Thomas Paine* when we are trulie in neede of thy great, bountiful, wise, and artful counsel...
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* Thomas Paine was the noted American patriot and author who wrote the revolutionary pamphlet Common Sense, in 1776.
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Oh well... what was it that Forrest's Mama used to say?...
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Stupid is as stupid does !
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Maybe Forrest wasn't much, but Mama Gump was a genius...

Tiptoe through the...

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O.M.G. Dept:

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Editor's Comment:
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Cow poop... yes, I've definitely stepped in cow poop!

When they ring those Golden Bells

Pearly Gates Dept:
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Threeoministers and their wives, allofriends for many years, decided to go on a picnic to- gether one fine Sunday afternoon after their church services were over.
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One couple was Presbyterian, one Episcopalian, and one Methodist.
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Unfortunately, on the way to the country their van ran smack dab in to the middle of an 18-wheeler and the six of them bought the farm.
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The next thing they knew, they were all sitting on a bench in front of the Pearly Gates waiting to be judged.
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After just a short while, St. Peter came through the gates and looked the newest candidates for heaven up-and-down, stem-to-stern.
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OHO! .he said, almost at once.
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Satan will go wanting today. I can see that it's going to be nothing more than a walk in the park for all of you to get into Heaven.
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Yes Sir! Three ministers and their wives, shepherds of their flocks.
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But just the same, rules are rules and I have to check the "Big Book" for everyone. .If for any reason you don't make it, down to Hades you go... and for eternity... do you all understand?
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The six nodded their heads, as they were all in awe of this, the most Holy of Holy men.
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So - who's going to be first? said St. Peter.
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Come, come... he said, snapping his fingers... quickly now...
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The six looked at each other uncertainly before the Presbyterian minister stood up and said: I'll go first.
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Fine, fine said St. Peter. Now this is just a formality mind you, but let's see what it is you've been up to all these years...

And he started thumbing through the pages of the Big Book...
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WHAT? .he suddenly cried...
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What is this I see? .he gasped, standing straight up in amazement.
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He looked up at the Presbyterian minister and said: It says here that you coveted money to the point that you wouldn't even consider marriage to a woman unless her name was Penny. .Is this true?
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The Presbyterian minister looked sheepishly down at his shoes and said Yes, Your Holiness it's true.
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Well I'm truly sorry, said St. Peter, but you can't come in.
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So the Presbyterian minister kissed his wife goodbye and trudged dejectedly down the stairs to purgatory for eternity.
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St. Peter, somewhat taken aback said What a surprise! That hasn't happened in EONS! .Well, let's get on with it. he said. Who's next?
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The Episcopalian minister stood up and said I'll be next.
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Fine, fine said St. Peter.
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NOW - let's see how the story of YOUR life reads my good man...
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And he started thumbing through the pages of the Big Book...

...but wait he cried. What is this I see? .It says here that you've cov- eted drink to the point that you wouldn't consider marriage to any woman unless her name was Sherry. .Is this true?
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But before the befuddled Episcopalian minister could answer, the Methodist minister stood up, looked his wife in the eye, and said:
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Let's get out of here Fanny, I don't even wanna talk to this guy!
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Editor's Comments:
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All of this might sound disastrous at first glance.
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But it could turn out OK after all, because if they can get just one more soul "down there" they'll have a fourth for bridge...

It's A Dog's Life

Lost Pets Dept:

Police Blotter:
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Claudia Ferris whose home is on
Dickston St. reported her cocker
spaniel Spot missing about 3 a.m.
this morning. He returned about
six hours later after he found out
that police were looking for him.
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Editor's Comments:
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The waywardlmuttlcame back after helsawlhis face on the back of an Alpo can and figured that the jig was up; .but not before hosing down every garbage pail, oak tree and fire hydrant over an area of two square blocks with copious amounts of number one.
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There are more than a few female cocker spaniels running around town with sheepish, but knowing grins on their faces as well.
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Oh well, boys will be boys... right boys?
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On the other hand, girls will be girls too!!
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Let's not forget that boys!!

With this ring...

There Otta Be a Law Dept:
(and I think that there is...)

Upcoming Nupital's:
Tulsa, OK

ENGAGEMENT ANNOUNCED

FOR SISTER, BROTHER

Mr. and Mrs. Hermann Froumas are pleased
to announce the engagement of their daugh-

ter Wilhelmina Froumas to Mr. Lenny Hall of
Bixby, OK. Mr. Hall, currently the manager...

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Mr. and Mrs. Evanston Petriallia are pleased
to announce the engagement of their daugh-

ter Enid Petriallia to Hermann Froumas II of
1198 S. Utica here in Tulsa. Mr. Froumas is...

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-The Tulsa Tribune: July, 1952
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Editor's Comments:
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What a relief!!  From "engagement" then "sister, brother", I first thought that...

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So, you ask; How exactly did The Editor come up with a story from the social section of a 1952 Tulsa Tribune?  Here's the straight skinny:

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In the mid 90's while preparing for my Father's estate sale, I actually saw this article from a copy of the Tribune that had been lining the bottom of a dresser drawer for more than 40 years.
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My double-take gave me a crick in the neck that lasted two full days, but the horselaugh I had was worth every penny of it.  On recovery from my almost slipped disk, I clipped the article and stashed it away in my "Memories" file where it remains to this day.

Except for the names and addresses, which of course have all been changed, the article reads pretty much the way it was published.
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After all these years, I wonder if the happy couples are still hitched?
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If they are, in 2012 they'll celebrate their Diamond Anniversary.
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Wouldn't that be GREAT?

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A little nostalgia from that bygone era of long ago...

In 1952 the Korean Conflict was in full swing and Oklahoma had yet to repeal prohibition. It had been only 3 years since the common folk of Tulsa were treated to a real live local TV station, KOTV channel 6.
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Now they could see first hand the way the rest of the world was doing business; IF that is, they could find a TV to watch.

TV was such a big deal in Tulsa that MY Father, a 3rd generation Master Plumber and part owner of the company run by HIS Father, jumped at the business opportunity and began selling and repairing TVs IN the plumbing shop.  And he did very well at it too!
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We had a family joke that he used a pipe-wrench and blowtorch to repair sets that were on the fritz. My artistic Sister went so far as to create his Fathers' Day card which showed a man using a plumber's friend and a pair of vice-grips to fix a Motorola that was acting up.
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All of this of course meant that WE had our very own TV!
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Oh BOY!!

So mornings we were all glued to the screen of our tiny vacuum tube set and The Today Show with Dave Garroway.  As witness to the live feed, I was seeing pictures of things going on right then and there in New York City;  The Big Apple!

Who would believe that??
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In the summer of 1952 fresh out of second-grade, I watched both the Democratic and Republican National Conventions - LIVE!... not that I really wanted to, but there was only the one channel, so I had no other choice. Besides, back in those days if it was broadcast at all, it made no difference what was airing... everybody tuned in.
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So I, along with a majority of Oklahomans, sported an I Like Ike button, and at the tender age of 8 became not only somewhat politically knowledgeable, but intensely interested in ongoing events of the election itself.
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But despite TV, radio was not dead. Far from it...

We all kept our habit of sitting out on the porch in the cool of the evenings, listening to Fibber McGee and Molly,. Henry Aldrich,. Amos and Andy,. The Damon Runyon Theater, and Archie.

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(Click here to hear Old Time radio shows online.)
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And then there were Saturday mornings.
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I lived for Saturday morning radio!
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The Lone Ranger, Tales of Uncle Remus, and Howdy Doody*... all were treasured by kids nation-wide as magic in a little black box.
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* Yes indeed, The Howdy Doody Show was on radio as well as TV.
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With the advent of Saturday morning TV it got even better.. Mighty Mouse,. Sky King, our .beloved Lone Ranger ... secret messages that could only be read if you sent away for the official decoder...

Those were the good old days... yes they were!!

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... back to the engagement article in the 1952 Tribune ...

It took until 1959 to take care of Oklahoma's prohibition laws, but I do not know if the sister/brother thing is off the books even yet.

I think that it is so if you need that kind of action you will probably have to find a place with some of those Jukes and Kallikak types. The last I heard they had sum-a-them up in hillbilly country, wherever that is.