Mail order brides...

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Editor's Comment:
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Maybe next time you won't order one from ebay!

No S*** Sherlock!

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Say it ain't so Dept:
(OK; it ain't so)

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Dear Readers,

The Editor received the below quiz about Arthur Conan Doyle and Sherlock Holmes from a source that is usually reliable.

However the multiple answers supplied for the quiz are if not totally inaccurate, irrelevant or incomplete, at least misleading.

Answers (highlighted in red) are appended with the straight skinny and appropriate chastisement to the perpetrator of the falsehoods.

???

Arthur Conan Doyle

and

Sherlock Holmes

1.

Why did Doyle nearly refuse a knighting from Queen Elizabeth?

a. He believed his being knighted would demean the title.

b. He was afraid of being recognized for only his stories.
c. He was not a supporter of Queen Elizabeth.
d. He didn't want the extra attention.
Not true!  The REAL reason  is because he had a bum shoulder and could not take the hit from the sword used by the Queen during the ceremony of knighthood. And he didn't nearly refuse knighting the Queen, he DID refuse... at first anyway. He changed his mind after he was told that knights were not only exempt from taxes, but had
a blowout Christmas party every year at government expense.

As far as answer b. He was afraid of being recognized for only his stories, what OTHER accomplishment would qualify him to be a knight other than the adventures of Sherlock Holmes?

If that's not as plain as the nose on your face... geeze anyway!

2.

What two words did Doyle write in a diary after finishing his last story, The Final Problem?
a. No good
b. At last

c. Killed Holmes

d. Must edit
For cryin' out loud anyway! The last two words he REALLY wrote were The End!  Holy Catfish... how gullible art thou?

3.

Who was the model for Holmes?

a. A college professor

b. A professional detective
c. A fellow author
d. Doyle himself
The Editor is not 100% sure on this one, but the model was definitely NOT a college professor. Whoever heard of a college professor model anyway?  Doyle's REAL model was Twiggy, Cheryl Tiegs, or maybe Barney Fife, though Barney had definite problems standing still as he modeled. The truth is out there somewhere. The search continues...

4.

What was Doyle's profession before he abandoned it in favor of writing Sherlock Holmes stories full time?
a. Veterinarian

b. Optometrist

c. Psychiatrist
d. Court reporter
Nice try, but Doyle was a plumber. Anybody knows that. Why would he abandon his chosen trade? you may ask ... (of course it's remotely possible that you may NOT ask, but I'm going to tell you anyway.)

He finally figured out that writing was a much more desirable way to spend his time than cleaning out sewers and grease traps.

Very smart man, Doyle.

5.

Doyle's brother-in-law, E.W. Hornung, created a famous literary criminal by the name of:
a. Arsene Lupin

b. A.J. Raffles

c. Raoul d'Andresy
d. Jim Barnett
Wrong wrong wrong! First of all, it is absolutely shocking that the name of Dr. Moriarty was not supplied! Dr. Moriarty is the FIRST name that should come to anyone's mind. Archie Moriarty was not only a full professor at a small English college located in Pembury, but had earned his PhD in the area of criminology years before he was ever mentioned in a book.

However all of this is beside the point since Dr. Moriarty is not the correct answer to the question anyway. He was Doyle's character, not Hornung's.

Hornung's famous literary criminal's name was REALLY Michael Moore, of Fahrenheit 911 fame.  Mama mia!  Don't you ever watch the news?  How could you fall for this anyway??

Al Gore, the main mover behind An Inconvenient Truth would have been a superb candidate for the role of literary criminal but he didn't write "The Truth Which Was SO Inconvenient That It Was NOT the Truth" at all, he only inspired it; crime enough in itself, yet enough to disqualify Gore from further consideration in Hornung's view.

6.

One of Doyle's own exploits as a detective led to the British system of:

a. Appealing criminal cases

b. Proper representation for defendants in court
c. Conducting thorough police searches
d. Requiring background checks for police dogs
This is really too much! There were many Brit systems worthy of mention which were influenced by Doyle's detective stories.

Among these are harumphing, uttering the time-honoured British phrases Oh my word!, Zounds! and Gadzooks!, not to mention the Limey penchant for smoking long curved smelly pipes.

See Wikipedia to confirm all of this.

7.

In what year was Doyle knighted
a. 1895
b. 1897
c. 1900

d. 1902

As explained above, Doyle at first declined knighthood due to his bum shoulder. That being said a more appropriate question would have been: In what year was Doyle NOT knighted?

It should be plain to anyone that time and space preclude address
of the multiple answers possible for this intriguing question.

In your case however, it is entirely possible that you will spend the rest of the day trying to figure out all of the possibilities.

Have a good time dummy!

8.

Sherlock Holmes has the distinction of being:

a. The most portrayed character in film

b. The first true detective in literature
c. The fictional character who's received the most fan mail
d. The first character to make the leap from book to film.
Hahahahahahahaha!! Ohhhhh hahahahahahahahahaha!! That's a side splitter!  Not a chance!

Mickey Mouse is head-and-shoulders above Sherlock Holmes when it comes to frequency of fictional characters portrayed in film.  Sheriff  Andy Taylor of Mayberry, N.C. comes in a close second.

Sherlock Holmes can't carry either one of their suitcases as far as frequency of portrayal is concerned.

9.

Using the name A.C. Smith, Doyle played which sport?
a. Football
b. Rugby
c. Tennis
d. Golf

Football... right!

So what position did he play?  Left out?  Center of attention?  Right on?  No - Center of gravity!  That's it!  Football in a pig's eye.

Nice try! Anyway, REAL football; American football; is an offshoot of rugby.  Now there's a REAL sport... football with no pads - yikes!

The sordid truth is, Doyle was a renowned champion in the revered English sport of cow pie tossing.  The reason he used a fake name in competition was due to his great embarrassment regarding many unappealing and odoriferous accomplishments on the field of play with which he was unfailingly associated.  

10.

Which TV doctor is based directly on Sherlock Holmes?
a. Mark Sloan (Diagnosis Murder)
b. Peter Benton (ER)
c. John Dorian (Scrubs)

d. Gregory House (House)

Another question about which The Editor is not totally positive other than the fact that Gregory House had nothing to do with Sherlock Holmes.

The REAL answer is either Dr. Kildare, Dr. Spock, Dr. Pepper, or Dr. Lou (Holtz). Look this up yourself, as it's really quite tedious doing all of your dirty work for you.

Besides that, research on Cheryl Tiegs is proving to be an ongoing if not quite pleasant task, so when it comes to researching TV Doctors further, you can GO FISH!

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Editor's Comment:
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Case closed!!  What say old chap?...  Harumph - indeed!!

It does TOO take a rocket scientist!

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Math 901 Dept:

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Editor's Comments:
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Sure at long last that I had found the perfect job, I ripped off a tab.

I computed the phone number; for me, not that difficult since it was coded as a simple algebraic formula... high school stuff!

Excited beyond words I dialed with trembling fingers. A business-like voice answered and asked me what kind of pizza I'd like this evening!

Oh well...

I ordered a stuffed cheese supreme with black olives and anchovies.

Dream on MacDuff

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You're not gettin' any Dept:

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Editor's Comment:  Apologies to Bill Shakespeare for the title...
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It's a dog's life!

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Phaedeux speaks out Dept:

Dear Master,

You are my Master. I will always be devoted to you. Nevertheless, there are a few things you do that are IRRITATING AS HELL!!

1. Blaming your gas on me...

Not funny... not funny at ALL!

2. Yelling at me for barking...

I'm a DOG you idiot!

3. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...

Stop it!!  Just STOP it!!

4. Clips having ribbons and bows;  pink toenails...

Now you know why I chew stuff up when you're not home.

5. How you act disgusted when I lick myself...

Look, we both know the truth.  You're jealous!

6. The sleight of hand; fake throw and fetch...

You fooled a dog. Whooo oooooo!!

What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet's office for the "big snip" and THEN acting surprised when I start to freak out every time we go back...

What if YOU turned into an instant soprano overnight?

8. Getting upset when I sniff your guests...

Sorry, I haven't mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. We both know who's boss here...

You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

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Editor's Comment:  Holy Catfish!!  A talking dog!!
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The Sabbath

And on the seventh day... He rested