Two to one odd(s)

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Double take Dept:

Headline:
                      SIAMESE TWINS TO
                            JOIN PARENTS

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Editor's Comment: 
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I wonder where they went to Med school?

Tossed Salad

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Bulls-eye Dept:
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Dateline New London:
Headline:
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              PEDESTRIAN SERIOUSLY
                   INJURED BY TURNIP

Police are investigating the assault of a man
who was seriously injured after being hit by
a turnip launched by a slingshot Thursday.

The attack  was  apparently  carried out by a
gang whose members have been hurling veg-
gies at random passers-by for several days.

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Editor's Comments:
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There was an immediate hue-and-cry to control  all  purchase and use of turnips using background checks, fingerprinting, a 24-hour waiting period and mandatory license to carry a concealed turnip.

Cooler heads prevailing, it was determined that Second Amendment rights must  not  be  eroded, so hastily formed congressional commit- tees tabled the issue of turnip control with no further discussion.

You betcha!!

When turnips are outlawed, only outlaws will have turnips!!

Open Wide

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Old Wives' Tales Dept:
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                       GAPEIN
              DENTAL GROUP

            OUR GIFT TO YOU
                and your family!

Call our office within 20 days and
our gift to you will .be a complete
consultation, exam and x-rays for
a charge of only one dollar.

We welcome you and your loved...

Open 7 a.m. - 7 p.m. we invite you
to make our office your dental...

We specialize in chickens and we
provide .full .time on-site day care,
available for all of your small ones.
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Editor's Comments:
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Well I never!   I did not think that chickens had any teeth at all!

That goes to show that you learn something every day altho I think I remember an old saying that had to do with hen's teeth being scarce.

I guess it was all a story.

The Help(less) Desk

Customer NoService Dept:

Headline:
                      SHOPPERS DIDN'T
                   NOTICE DEAD CLERK!

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Editor's Comments: 
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Excuse me, where could I find the... hello?
Uhhhh... excuse me... excuuuse meeeee...

Hellohellohello??

Lost at sea

Survivor Man Dept:
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Headline:

                    8 missing in Gulf with only

                      crackers, gum and beer!
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Editor's Comments:

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...and?

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This sounds like a dream vacation to me.

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Think of it... the sun, the solitude, the ongoing spectacle of sounding whales, the euphony of gently slapping waves against the shattered remnants of your faithful and once sturdy, yet erstwhile craft...

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To be perfectly honest, a case of Velveeta along with a gallon jar of large Kosher garlic dills would make things that much better.

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Oh yeah... lest we forget, add in a good supply of Vienna sausage.

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And then there's the issue of ice for the brewskis...

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Nahhh - that's asking for way too much.

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Let it be...

Men are from Mars...

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Editor's Comments:
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This poor schmoe has to be young, a mistake most of us have made at one time or another, especially if it occurred in our early years.
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As The Editor has progressed down the path of life, he has become an expert at the art of translating common utterances of MiLady, a skill that has undoubtedly saved his life more than once.
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To spare my naive males readers the frustration resulting from literal translations of femalespeak, find below a brief primer on the subject.
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Men:
1. Read it.
2. Memorize it.
3. Don't ever forget it.

You'll never be sorry!

....................WOMANESE.
What she "said":....What she REALLY said:.
1.Yes...............No
2.No................Yes
3.Maybe.............No
4.We need...........I want
5.I'm sorry.........You'll be sorrier later on.
6.We need to talk...You're in serious trouble.
7.Sure, go ahead....Want to live? You'd better not.
*see newspaper ad above
8.I am not upset....Of course I'm upset, you moron.
9.Nothing...........Something
10.Finel............This discussion is over.

Women:
Please submit additions or corrections to The Editor. He will be everlastingly grateful!

The BIG Boss

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Penthouse Dept:

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Editor's Comment: Going up? - or going down!...
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