Hun-TER or Hun-TED?

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Here kitty kitty; niiice kitty kittty... Dept:

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Editor's Comment:. Uh - Roger. .I wouldn't...
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Bored of Edukashun

Business Card Dept:
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GLENBARD HIGH SCHOOL
.Where Excellance* .is Tradition

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......................Lydelle Torbes
...........................Principle *
...............Snark Blvd and Glenwould
....................Glen Allen IL 60355
.......................(706) 555-1212

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Editor's Comments:
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*...also where tradition means an F in speling.
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They play basketball OK tho...
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My skool is gooder than your skool...
nyaa nyaa nyaa nyaa nyaaaaa nyaaaaa...

Dog Days

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Dept of Animal Control:
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Dateline: Des Plains IL
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The fate of Kirby, a Des Plains dog who
was tried andlconvictedloflviciouslbe-
havior could have been worse.
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County Circuit Court Judge William Re-
hobeth ruled Tuesday that Kirby must
leave Des Plains, never to return.
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Rehobeth could have sentenced the dog
to many punishments that are worse....
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Editor's Comments:
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Acting as Kirby's attorney, his master pleaded for mercy, throwing the fate of the canine on the mercy of the court, but to no avail.
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With tears in his eyes, he even offered to pay a fine and restitution to victims of the wayward mutt, but the cruel Judge would hear none of it, turning a deaf ear to every one of his entreaties.
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So with heavy heart, the desolate dog left for parts unknown, never
to be seen again by the townsfolk of Des Plains.
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Now this may seem like a sad, even somewhat brutal fate for man's best friend, but the article in the paper was right. Kirby's fate could have been worse... MUCH worse!
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For instance, the Judge COULD have ordered Kirby to REMAIN in Des Plains -- FOREVER! .
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JEEE-HOSEPHAT!!!
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That would be cold. It gives me the shivers to even think about it!
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It came out later that the Rehobeth actually did consider this harsh punishment, but decided against it since Kirby would have had an excellent chance at overturning the sentence on standard grounds of cruel and unusual punishment.
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So Dear Readers, lest ye lament for the exiled pooch, consider...
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He is definitely better off, wherever he may be.
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Besides, there is a rumor going around that Kirby ended up in the Big Apple and made a fortune in the vacuum cleaner business.
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I ask you... could that ever have happened in Des Plains???

The Big(ger) Dig

Call of Nature Dept:
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Dateline: Beijing:
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....................FLUSH WITH SUCCESS,
............BEIJING TO REVAMP TOILETS
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Public toilets of today in China's ancient capital consist of
long lines of foul squat-holes with no doors for privacy or
running water for cleanup.
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Fetid restrooms have not only become an image problem
alllover China, butlthey've also affected the development
of tourism andlforeign investment, said the Beijing Daily.
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The old ones just can't be fixed!lsaid Lu Xiaoqi, a ranking
member of the Capital Civilized Construction Foundation.
Fixed? Exactly how do you fix a hole-in-the-ground??
We must all work to find a solution very quickly he said.
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So after much debate, the city's brilliant solution was...
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The Great Public Toilet Design Contest
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The winners were selected last week. .The first thirty pub-
lic restrooms are scheduled to be built no later than June.
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Beijing has 5000 public restrooms, most of which...
The last time I checked, metro Beijing's population stood
at over 17 MILLION. .One john per 3400 souls could def-
initely contribute to the overall problem.
... are serving as regular daily outhouses for the many who
have no indoor facilities at all in their own outdated homes.
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Instead of flushing...
Flushing? .A hole? .Is flushing really an option here??
...the public pits are left to fill until trucks with vacuum de-
vices ... AhSo - the old honey wagon ... pump them out.
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And I guess we all know what happens to it after that!!
Memo... Do NOT consume rice imported from Asia!
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The whole matter has resulted in a strong reaction leading
to a new craze - The Public Toilet Revolution, aslitlwas cal-
led by a young but innovative assistant editor of the Daily.
The paper was later forced to abandon this name since a
local rock band had already preempted the title.
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The first-place designlisla cement structure with a newspa-
per kiosk selling copies of the Beijing Daily which serve not
only as reading material, but also as an emergency substi...
Ah yes, the newspaper. So even in China the daily rag is a
definite requirement whilst one is sitting on the potty...
... public telephones...
Individuallstallslat Playboy Clubs have their own private
phones-use of which islgratis for those who wish to carry
on a conversation while they're seeing a man about a dog.
Nyaah nyaah nyaah nyaah nyaaaaah nyaaaaah!
... and outdoor chairs.
Chairs? Outdoors? .People can sitland WATCH? .How em-
barrasing is that? And this is somehow better than having
NO DOORS AT ALL? .Go figure!!
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Inside will be flushable toilets...
Super! .Now all we have to do is train 17 million Chinese
to pull the chain after each episode. .Managing this feat is
a more than trying matter, even in the good old U.S. of A.
...both of the squat and sit-down type, full length mirrors...
Are these full-lengthlmirrors-on the inside-visible to folks
who, just by accident, happen to be sitting-on the outside-
in the chairs so thoughtfully provided by the designer?
Yes? .Do you think that they will sell tickets?
... and limited cold-water faucets.
Yes - faucets. Faucets do indeed come in handy whenever
there is a nice supply of piped running water available.
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When government officials first announced the contest they
said that the new restrooms were to be built at tourist sites.
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Fantastic!
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So THEY really don't givelalhoot about johns for the great
unwashed masses after all. THEY just want to build up a lit-
tle visible PR andlrestore tourism while 17 million common
schlocks keep right on doing (their) business as usual!
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What a great solution! This only goesltolshow that where-
everlyoulare, bureaucrats are the same all over the world.
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When interviewed, Mayor Lin Qintan told the Daily that the
whole social experiment was sure to catch on.
Oh yes! .After all, it has in the rest of the civilized world...
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Doinglalfine job of building these new publicltoilets is a big
thing since itlisla symbol of the modernization and develop-
ment of our city and its civilized environment, ChunglXinga,
current local Communist Party chief was quoted as saying.

-The Tulsa Tribune
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Editor's Comments:
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Modernization and development of civilized environment?
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I'm having a lot of trouble trying to figure out just how it is that China, a country with a culture that's 5000-years-old and developed enough to have a nuclear capability, is just now coming into the process of a revolutionary social experiment which deals with regular use of the common commode by its thronging masses.
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I guess what they say is true... Life is priorities!
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Give it time and I might understand. .Meanwhile, I'll sit on it...

Big Chief Thunder Thud

Mark your calendar Dept:
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Local Events:
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..........TRIBAL COUNCIL TO HOLD
......AUGUST MEETING IN AUGUST
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CherokeelNationloflOklahomalTriballCouncil
will hold its regular August meeting at the Jay
Community Building at 9 am Saturday August
15, 200x. .Following the Council meeting...
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-The Jay Oklahoma Sentinel
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Editor's Comments:
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The Editor not only being a native of OklahomalbutlpartlCherokee and Choctawlhislverylown self, happens
to know that Sequoyah invented a full-
blown alphabet for the Cherokee.
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I guess he never got around to working
up a full-blown calendar for anybody.
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Oh well...
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I wonder when the September meeting will be?

Smile! You're on Candid Camera...

Typesetter's Gaffe Dept:
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Corrections:
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A caption on the front page of Thursday's paper
misidentified a photograph of a room at the Dep-
artment of Environmental Conservation Labora-
tory located in Juneau.
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Shown in the photograph is the Men's bathroom,

not the Specimen Collection and Testing Region.

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Editor's Comment:
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I guess that explainslthelstartled looklonlevery- body's face when the flash bulbs started popping!

I'mlsurelthatlalllwas forgiven becauselitlreally was an easy enough mistakeltolmake. I've been in both rooms and it was more than a little confusing because the only difference is that the Men's room has frilly little curtains.

The Parking Spot

Circle the Wagons Dept:
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Moishe the attorney, on the way to defend his latest client at the Manhattan Criminal Courts Building, was running terribly late.
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To make matters worse, he couldn't find a parking place anywhere.
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He looked and looked with no luck whatsoever.
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As time passed, now becoming desperate he decided to pray for something to open up.
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"Oh Lord, God of my Fathers, come to my rescue and please please PLEASE let me find a parking place. I'll do ANYTHING if you'll just let me find a parking place." he said.
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"I promise to eat ONLY kosher food... I'll lead the Walk for Hunger... I'll give my time to the soup kitchen... I'll volunteer to teach Sunday school... I'll do anything at all Lord, but PLEASE, oh please let me find a spot to park!" begged the desperate man, now starting to panic.
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C'mon, c'mon, c'mon... muttered Moishe as he continued to search.
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And THEN, as if by magic, a blessed parking spot suddenly appeared right in front of him.
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As he scooted in, he quickly rolled his eyes heavenward and said:
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Ummm... never mind Lord, I found one...
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Editor's Comment: .I wonder if he got his man off the hook?
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