The fact of the matter?

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Dear Readers,

Whom to believe, what to believe, when to believe... it's seemingly a never-ending struggle no matter who you are.

The ongoing issues of deceptive advertising, claims, politics, viral rumors and plain old- fashioned malicious publication won't go away soon but in our world of electronic media more and more reliable ways for John Q. Public to tell what's what and what's not are now surfacing.

No matter what the topic, it's crucial to possess reliable, factual information for informed decisions and discussions.

Here are 6 dependable sites that will help to simplify that decision-making process; who tells the truth; who doesn't and how to separate facts from fiction from consumer issues to politics.

http://factcheck.org/

Operated by the University of Pennsylvania, Fact Check provides careful analysis of claims made by politicians and other news-makers.

http://politifact.com/

Run by the Tampa Bay Times, Politi Fact won a Pulitzer Prize in 2009 for its "Truth-O-Meter" ratings of politicians' claims. Links to 11 affiliated state fact checking organizations are also found on the site.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/fact-checker

Written by veteran Post columnist Glenn Kessler, falsehoods get "Pinnocchios" and truisms "Geppettos". Political in nature.

http://urbanlegends.about.com/

Operated by The New York Times, Urban Legends debunks political and misleading claims, photos, and videos.

http://snopes.com/

Snopes exposes all sorts of myths including those spread by viral email. You can take Snopes' word to the bank... always!

http://votesmart.org/

Vote Smart features an interactive website where issues most important to you and your address (or zip) are entered. An array of candidates for national offices you are eligible to elect displays their photos on campaign posters. The larger the poster, presumably the closer their positions are to your own, but this is unreliable since you never disclose your positions.

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Be smart all the time, not just in time.

Check it out before you shout.

Find the facts before you act.
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Pop(s) Secret

In the wilds of the way down under, a koala was sitting in a eucalyptus tree eating a bag of popcorn. Life was good... very very good indeed.

 

A little lizard walked past, looked up and said, Hey Koala, what are you doing way up there in that eucalyptus tree?

The koala said I'm sitting up in this tree eating a bag of popcorn. But there's enough for both of us. Come up and have some.

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed the bag of popcorn down to the last kernel. The little lizard, full to the brim said That popcorn made me SO THIRSTY! I think I'm going to climb down and get a drink from the river.

When the little lizard got to the river, he started to take a big drink, but he was so full of popcorn that he leaned over too far and fell into the water.

A big crocodile, seeing the accident, swam over to the little lizard, helped him to the side and asked What's the matter with you anyway?

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree eating popcorn but got so full that he fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile made up his mind that he had to check this out so he walked into the forest, and found the tree where the koala was sitting, eating up the last crumbs of popcorn. The crocodile looked up and said Hey, Koala!!

The koala looking down, saw the huge reptile beneath the his tree and said Crikey, Mate... just how much water did you DRINK anyway?

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Editor's Comment: 142 gallons, more or less. WOW!

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The Country Doctor

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Dear Readers,

When in the South, it pays to know local jargon if worst comes to worst and you find yourself in front of a Doctor.

Whut It Is

Barium...........Protocol after a failed operation
Benign...........You be nine after you be eight
Cauterize........Eye contact with a flirty nurse
Clinics..........Used for runny noses

Dilate...........To live long
Grain............Green, as in Gangrain

Hangnail.........Hang your coat on this

Impotent.........Distinguished... well known
Kidney...........Middle leg joint of a small child

Labor Pain.......Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff....The good Doctor's cane

Morbid...........Higher than whut I bid

Niagara..........Fixes a man's git up 'n go.

Nitrates.........Cheaper than day rates

Node.............I knew it

Pelvis...........Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative...A letter carrier

Seizure..........Roman emperor

Tablet...........A small table

Tow..............That thing you stub at night

Tumor............One more, an one more'n that

Urine............Opposite of you're out 

Varicose.........Nearby

Weekend..........The green apple quickstep

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Editor's Comments:

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The best plan in the South is NOT an HMO. The best plan? Relax, take it easy and stay away from the Doc altogether!

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Tips from the French Connoisseur

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Editor's Comments: 
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The Editor gives all of his fine wines mouth-to-mouth, breathing or not.
There have been instances of four patients saved in one single night. 

[says the French expert in astonishment at this shocking revelation]
Sacré bleu!  Très bon Monsieur Editor!  Vive le resucitation! 

See?  Once again the world takes a lesson.

Hey Monsieur, pass me that there jug of Boone's Farm Wild Strawberry, how do you say it... sile vous play.
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The fortune cookie

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Dear Readers,

The Editor is a huge fan of Chinese cuisine. Everything on the menu is fair game.  But though I love it all, the best part of the meal comes last, when the fabled fortune cookie arrives.

Yesterday, anticipating the long-awaited moment, I downed the hot tea, egg roll and cashew chicken with fried rice on the side in record time.

My cookie duly placed in front of me, I reached for my fate-of-the-day with trembling hands.

Cracking the fragile pastry with a skill acquired from long practice I eagerly took out the crumpled bit of paper, which mockingly leered...

4-14-35-7-21-56

Stunned by the apparent rebuff I was at first crushed with disappointment.

But wait!

Suddenly remembering that the fortune part was on the opposite side, I quickly flipped the bit of parchment over and found a cryptic message:

 
1. Pick up the nearest book you see.
2. Turn to page 45.
3. The first sentence will foretell your
     luck with love in the coming year.


The only book readily available being a book of matches, I quickly jumped up and hurried to a waiting taxi, neatly forgetting my customary tip.

Arriving at home in record time (thanks to a generous bribe for the Cabby) I frantically rushed to my vast library.  Breathless and still in a dither, the countless stacks glared at me haughtily in contemptuous silence.

Which book should it be? I mused.

Then I remembered... it had to be the NEAREST that I saw.

I picked up the thick volume of  Byron's Complete Works, turned to page 45 as instructed and slowly looked downward to find my fate with love.  The words screamed derisively as they proclaimed...

Chapter VII

What a major disappointment!

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Editor's Comments:
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After tossing and turning all night, The Editor returned to his fickle library at 3 o'clock in the morning for another try.

This time, with only a candle to see row upon row of volumes, I reached blindly and came up with, of all things, a Chinese cook book.

I suppose it could happen I nervously thought.

With gritted teeth, I opened the tome to page 45, which gleefully shouted in no uncertain terms...

Beef with Broccoli  牛肉与西兰花 

Sigh... oh well...
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The morning after the day before

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Editor's Comments:
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Ohhh, my achin' breadbasket.  I can't believe I ate the whole thing!
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Sweets... NOT just for the sweet...

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Editor's Comments:
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Ohhhhhhhh.... Happy Valentine's Day to meeeee...

I love holidays.  Sometimes I can make them last for a whole week [burp].
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Cease and desist!!

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Notice to all politicians

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Dear Politicians:

The Editor's phone number may be found on the National Do Not Call Registry.  It's been there since the inception of the list in 2004.

That you've conveniently exempted yourselves from the Do Not Call Implementation Act of 2003 does not give you permission to disturb me in my home with your biased, unsolicited, rambling, unwanted and unappreciated political claptrap.

If you do, I promise that you will NOT get my vote, even if in the end I have to mark my ballot with a write-in for Howdy Doody.

[The way things are goin' in D.C. right now I might just do that anyway.]

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Editor's Comment: Don't put me to the test here!
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The Orchestra

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Maestro Kaplin learns the hard way that the phrase

Would you please play that part louder

is never to be spoken to the trombone section.

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Editor's Comment:
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The Editor is sure that the percussionists, not to be outdone, will have something to say about this; probably sooner rather than later.
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The Solution

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M1A1 .50 caliber Clarinet with night-vision scope

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Editor's Comments:
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The Editor has just read that the purpose of this fine weapon is for use on singers who abuse the National Anthem at sporting events.

Roseanne, watch your back!

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The Conductor

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Editor's Comment:
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Too many stick-wavers out there couldn't conduct electricity if their life depended on it... but the ensemble has no choice but to suffer on in silent, unspeakable and tortuous agony.

Persuading them to give up the stick in the name of humanity is all but impossible. All plausible attempts at reason go either unheard, unnoticed or flat ignored.

Good Phaedeux... good doggie.  Better still, "good luck".
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It ain't rocket science, folks.

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The budget explained in simple English:

Federal Budget:                   $3,820,000,000,000 
 United States Tax Revenue:       $2,170,000,000,000

 New Debt:                        $1,650,000,000,000

National Debt:                   $14,271,000,000,000

Recent Budget Cuts by Washington     $38,500,000,000

(of which our politicians are so smugly proud)

Now, remove 8 zeros. Pretend it's your household budget:

Money the Family Spent:           $38,200
 Annual Family Income:            $21,700

 New Credit Card Debt:            $16,500

Outstanding Credit Card Balance: $142,710

Recent Emergency Spending Cuts:      $385

(to balance the family budget, you know)
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WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

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Editor's Comment: Vote on Tuesday November 6, 2012!
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The Birds

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Albino Ruby-throated Hummingbird

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 Editor's Comments:

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Dear Readers,

You may wonder how it is that this bird is identified as a ruby-throated hummingbird when it doesn't have a ruby throat.

Then again, you may not wonder at all. But dollars to pesos, you more than likely have no idea about this vexing anomaly so I am going to tell you anyway.

This particular bird, photographed in Staunton,Virginia, is definitely a ruby-throated hummingbird because in the U.S. of A. they are the only hummingbirds found in the wild east of the Mississippi river.

Now you know.  Aren't you simply thrilled to the core?

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Lately The Editor has become quite the expert on birds.  Living in what was but recently rural Georgia, there are still lots of different types flying around the house at any given time.

Cardinals, finches, robins, hummingbirds, blue jays, catbirds, hawks, blackbirds, meadowlarks, woodpeckers, bluebirds and of course common nuisance birds, sparrows, pigeons, and crows.

I've even seen a couple of hoot owls.  Owls and crows are mortal enemies since there is nothing tastier to a big predator owl than a plump, young and tender, juicy, crow right out of the nest.

While I've eaten crow a couple of times, it wasn't the "down the hatch, lick your chops" kind of crow, so I wouldn't know if a real live crow was tender and juicy or tough as an old combat boot. But owls seem to be quite knowledgeable in this area.

Up here in Deliverance country I've seen flocks of crows protecting their own, circling and harassing lone-wolf owls to death.  Poor old owl...

But I digress...

Sitting out on my deck, I saw so many different kinds of birds that I decided to put up a couple of bird feeders... at least for awhile.

So I trotted off to Lowe's and bought a contraption that looked like a little Japanese castle with sitting pegs sticking out all over. I also bought a plain old Bb hummingbird feeder. A sack of bird seed and a bit of red nectar for the hummers finished off the show and I was in business, ...or so it seemed.

But it wasn't a done deal. Not yet.

I quickly found that I had to put the bird feeder in a place where squirrels couldn't get to it, but hanging it from the soffit over thin air did the trick.

Delighted when my hummingbird feeder attracted several ruby-throated hummingbirds (like I was thinking it'd attract a bald eagle or a chicken hawk or maybe a turkey vulture), I took it down after a gang of Mafia type hummers began guarding the chow hall 24/7 for their own, refusing all other hummingbirds their turn at the feeding trough. This, I could not allow.

I took the bird feeder down too when, try as I may, I couldn't keep red wasps from nesting inside, as they seemed ecstatic at the protection from the elements that they'd just conveniently discovered.

Wasps do good things in the garden, but invading my bird feeder was way out of line. They like to nest under my second-story deck too, but a can of wasp spray that shoots a 20-foot stream of high-powered venom takes care of that problem in short order.

I'll tolerate wasps as long as they stay away from me. One time I got stung when I was going inside from the deck. That wasp quickly became history as did a good number of others when they tried to have their way with The Editor.

The bird feeders down, I was lonely... I was depressed...

What to do?

To be continued...

Stay tuned to see what The Editor did in... The Rocks

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The Rocks

... continued from The Birds as promised.

The bird feeders down, I was lonely... I was depressed... 

What to do?

I thought briefly about getting some fish, but decided that fish were out too.

Back in the 60's I experienced sharing problems with my aquarium in Korea. Things got quite ugly.

I had many different kinds of fish, but the angel fish would guard the tubifex worms from all the other fish after the boss angel fish decided that only angel fish were allowed to graze.

The angel fish MP's even killed my Siamese fighting fish whenever they would try to sneak in for a quick and harmless midnight snack.

The kissing gouramis, tetras, oscars, and goldfish were pushovers for the angels, but the bullies had their share of trouble any time they tried to tangle with the big Jack Dempsys.  Still, they prevailed.

I guess the mistake I made was putting three types of aggressive fish together.  But I was an amateur and didn't know any better.

I should have asked an expert or Googl'ed some information but I couldn't find any experts that spoke English and in 1968 the luxury of the internet wasn't yet available to the general public. Besides, back then Google wasn't even a dream. Even PC's (personal computers) hadn't been invented.

As we all know when Mr. Jobs finally did his thing, Forrest Gump and Lt. Dan made a killing when the good Lieutenant bought a gazillion shares of Apple Computers with profits from Bubba Gump Shrimp Inc.

Having given up on birds and aquariums, I searched in vain for a pet that was practical for me. After a good number of failures, at last I emerged victorious having found the perfect companion.

... a pet rock! 

Stop laffin'!  This is my very own rock and it loves me!!

I became quite sure of this when every time that I walked around in the back yard it always managed to trip me up no matter how careful I was.

Seemingly an accident, this occurred frequently enough to discount as chance, so I decided that in its own way this rock was trying to bond with me!

Touched beyond words, I adopted it as my very own. I did this on the sly since I wasn't sure if there were applications, procedures for adoption, or fees to pay and I didn't want to get into any of that bureaucratic nonsense.

I felt that my first obligation as a pet owner was to find a name for my rock.

I thought about Ralph, Phaedeux, Spot... the possibilities were endless.

After several sleepless nights I'd pared my names list down to two. I was inclined to choose Iggy, but after thinking about it, settled on the perfect choice - Rocky!!  Eureka!!

Rocky was simple, to the point, self-explaining, and I wouldn't have to clarify that Iggy was short for igneous to everyone under the sun.

Besides, Iggy would be wrong since Rocky is clearly sedimentary.

Since I've had my pet, I've found that it's very even tempered which allows for  unlimited potential and options in the area of Master/pet involvement.

When I travel it's always right there in the same place I left it when I get home.  Even if I should ignore this amazing rock for days on end, it never complains.

Rocky never interrupts when I'm talking either which is unusual, but still... how refreshing is that??

Note: Certain unnamed people could take a valuable lesson from this.

It also listens patiently as I try to teach it tricks or bring in the newspaper.

Note: With a little help, Rocky has learned to sit up and roll over quite nicely but so far I haven't had any luck at all with the newspaper thing.

Maybe I should teach it to read the funny papers to pique its interest. I don't know. I'm quite stubborn, so I'll keep trying.

Rocky is very tolerant and forgiving. I can leave it plain gray, paint it purple with white polka dots, or decorate it for Christmas.

I can even use it for target practice when I take a break from the yard work and need to whiz. It doesn't seem to mind any of these indignities.

Paint a blue-tick coonhound purple, tie little pink ribbons on its fur and hang ridiculous rhinestone jewelry all over it the way some silly people do to their pet poodles in California.

Then whiz on it for good measure and see what happens. I'll tell you what happens; It gets real nasty, real fast!

Caution: Don't you dare ask how I know about this!!

While my new pet rock has many virtues, the one I really love is that it's very very low-maintenance.

I don't have to feed Rocky, water it, clean up after it, give it shots, buy it a license, or board it when I travel.

My pet is also exempt from Bartow County's leash law and will protect me if I am in danger... depending of course on the accuracy of my throwing arm.

Isn't that more than wonderful?

Even though I've heard that under some circumstances big rocks turn into little rocks, I'm very protective of Rocky and don't have to have it fixed, so this oft worrisome problem conveniently turns into a non-issue.

It may seem like I'm trying to be politically correct by calling Rocky an it but even Google hasn't been able to tell me how to tell a man rock from a woman rock. Until I find out, it will have to do.

Curious, I took Rocky to a local vet with the idea of asking about man and woman rocks.  But for some odd reason when I told the receptionist my problem I was laughed out of the office, not only by her, but everyone in the waiting room.  Even the dogs and cats and pet gerbils were hoo-hah-ing and rolling around on the floor kicking their legs up in the air with tears running down their faces.

The whole thing was quite embarrassing.

Discouraged, I took Rocky back to the protection of our own yard then gave up trying to find out about him and her rocks. As it stands, even if it became necessary I wouldn't know how to go about the fixing part anyway.

After all, the fixing process is quite different for he and she pets.

I'll never be quite sure if Rocky is the right name either.

If he's a she, I should have named my new pet Rockette. We'll probably never know for sure, so no harm done... I guess... I hope...

Now I've saved the best part about owning a pet rock for last.

I've heard it said around town that the common rock is very long-lived and I believe it because there seems to be part of an ancient inscription crudely chiseled on Rocky's back.

Something about Thou Shalt Not...

There are also faint etchings of small leaves and a freshwater snail imbedded in Rocky's surface.

This tells me that my best friend has already been around for quite awhile.

Hooray!!

If Rocky doesn't meet with an unforeseen accident some way, I'm hoping that I now have a pet for life. Managing to survive for eons, even avoiding all of the big trucks, sledgehammers, shovels and whatnot that was laying around when my place was being built, it's seemingly led a charmed life.

This makes a lot of sense because the Arapaho Indians have an old saying:

Only the rocks live forever!

Under my watchful eye I think that my newfound pet is completely out of danger... at least for the immediate future. We'll have to wait and see.

Wish us luck and hope for a happy ending.

I have to go outside and play now.

Heeere Rocky, Rocky, Rocky...

Come on boy, ahhh girl, ahhh... hmmm! [sigh]

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Where has the time gone?

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Dear Readers,

Forty-five years ago today, January 10, 1967, I raised my right hand and became a member of The United States Army.

Here is the oath I swore to our country:

I, James Hickerson, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice.

So help me God.

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Editor's Comments:
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When I think back to that long-ago time forty-five years ago, it almost seems like yesterday.  But when I think of all that's transpired since then, it's like I've lived
several wonderful lives one after another.

Would that everyone could be blessed as I have been.

I've said it many times before and now I'll say it again...

I'd do it all over in a heartbeat!

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