You don't know Jack...

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Dear Readers: Several years ago Twisted Humor.com produced a video, The Complete History of Jack Schitt which went viral across the U.S.of A.

Sent to me via a link to Anvari.org, I recognized the work as coming from a noon-time email sent to co-workers that I had written in 1998.

I was able to locate the animator Dave Ensign, who told me that Twisted Humor scoured the internet for funny stories to publish on their site.

It was agreed that Jack should come to life when my story was submitted to Dave for animation and work began on the project in earnest.

Although heavily edited in its final form, Dave's popular version of Jack left my intriguing tale largely intact.

I called Ahmad Anvari in California who had published Twisted's production of Jack to his site and after talking with him for over an hour and sending him a copy of the original text, he agreed to give me credit for the work on his page.  Oh joy! I was famous at last.

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Editor's Comments:
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Click here to see the link for the credit.  Note: While the link to animation itself has been deactivated on Ahmad's page, the credit itself remains intact.

Click here for the link to Twisted Humor's animated story.

With a bit of added clip art and highlighting, here's the original as I sent it.

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980722

Signs Found in the U.S. of A. Dept:

On a 1971 truck in Jackson, GA:

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|                                              |

|   S_____ HAPPENS  |

|                                              |

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Editor's Comments: After much reflection on the true meaning of this sign, the Editor decided to research its origins. 

My work now at an end, results are provided below for all Lampooners*:
* Members of our office Lampoon Club

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While 'surfing the web', one of the hits came up Jack Schitt. This made the Editor reflect on a popular and much used saying, to wit:

You don't know Jack Schitt!

Many people are at a loss for a response when told bluntly to their face You don't know Jack Schitt!

Just who was this Jack Schitt??? Although it took many hours, here is the story in its entirety.

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It all started with Awe Schitt, a 19th century itinerant laborer and his wife O. Schitt who worked part-time both as a gardener and chambermaid.

The Schitts emigrated from Europe around the turn of the century seeking to improve their lot in life and when they reached the 'promised land' at last, they prospered.   Awe became a fertilizer magnate, and O. was the founder, owner, and proprietor of Knee Deep 'n Schitt Inc.

Through their only son, Jack, an impressive family of little Schitts was generated. Lineage follows:

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. Six children were born to the couple; Holi Schitt, the twins Deep and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt who was a shifty-eyed sidestepping politician.

After being married for 15 years Noe left Jack and married a certain Mr. Sherlock.  Because the kids were living with her, she was determined to keep her previous name so, albeit somewhat confusing, she was now known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Holi Schitt joined a convent when she was 14. Accused of tarnishing the family image by Grandpa Awe Schitt, she was never heard from again.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt. The couple had two sons; Chicken Schitt, who was an inveterate coward and Dum Schitt, a high school dropout.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and eventually married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
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The Schitt/Happens kids were Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horse Schitt by Fulla, and Steppin Schitt by Giva.

 
On the occasion of their parents' 50th anniversary the kids presented Fulla and Giva with custom license plates embossed with the families' names SCHITT - HAPPENS. 


However many people misinterpreted the meaning of these plates, and they were outlawed in a good number of places including the state of Georgia.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He married, and brought his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt back to the U.S.of A. 

They produced a daughter, Notwortha Schitt, and a son named Migh Schitt. As it turns out, even though it flaunts a long-standing family tradition, Migh is a perennial favorite at reunions since he is the only one who never stinks.

THE END

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Now, when someone says You don't know Jack Schitt, you can beg to differ.
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