Holy (dangling) Mackerel Andy!!

Law and Order Dept:

Headline:
..............MAN BEATEN BY WOMAN
...................WITH FROZEN FISH
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Editor's Comments:
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There are several warrants out for the suspect, a certain Mrs. Paul, but so far she's been slippery as an eel and to date remains at large.
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At last report, police were floundering in the investigation.
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...dit dit dit dit.... dit dit dit dit dit... news flash:
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From information given by a witness perched on a second story balcony, the culprit has been found and arrested.
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When apprehended, Mrs. Paul shad no tears. .Admitting that the man had done nothing to warrant his beating, she said she smacked him on the noggin with the fish just for the halibut.
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Punishment for assault and battery is imprisonment for a period to be determined by the judge and a fine to the tuna $1000.
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Dear Readers:
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That was simply awful wasn't it?
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Thank the Good Lord it's over anyway! The Editor has been known to pun before, but not to the point of insanity!.I don't know what got into me... maybe it was something I didn't eat... it must have been.
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Well, whatever it was, I hope it's gone for a good long while!
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Now - on to the lesson of the day, which concerns English grammar.
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News articles containing dangling participles and modifiers provide
a great source of humorous material for The Editor!
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You'd think that "professionals" composing headlines for the media would know their grammar, but in a great number of cases they don't.
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For this shortcoming, The Editor is truly grateful.
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Don't get me wrong now. .The Editor makes more than his share of grammatical errors. .It's easy to do believe me, especially when high school English classes with Mrs. Martens are but a distant memory.
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I hearby give you fair warning: It's gonna happen, so don't start in on me the next time you catch a boo-boo in The Editor Sez!
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Anyway... back to the subject of ."dangling":
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So what's a dangling whatever? you may ask. (Of course it could very well be that you don't ask, but I'm going to tell you anyway.)
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What a great question... especially since I have forgotten myself.
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But - now that you've asked, I'm neatly presented with a clandestine opportunity to refresh my own memory and no one will be the wiser.
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No one will ever know that The Editor actually had to look up the answer. .His dear readers will still be under the impression that he is
a literary genius (right). .So give me just a moment won't you...
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OK - I'm back.
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Here's a fine example of your typical dangling whatever:
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Having been thrown in the air, the dog caught the stick.
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The dog was thrown in the air?
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YIKES!! .Call the S.P.C.A. quick!!
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No... of course not. The dog wasn't thrown in the air. Not at all!
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The writer meant to convey that the stick was thrown in the air.
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In a nutshell, a dangling whatever is one that attaches itself to a
different word than the one intended by the writer.
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In our headline today...
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..............MAN BEATEN BY WOMAN
...................WITH FROZEN FISH
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... is the man beaten with the frozen fish which is being used as a weapon by the woman, or is he simply beaten by the woman, who happens to be holding the frozen fish at the time?
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It's not really clear is it.
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Common sense dictates that he was beaten with the fish, but rules
of English state: The modifier belongs to the noun closest to it.
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Using this rule, in today's headline frozen fish couples with woman whoops...see how easy it is to get it wrong?... let's try that again...
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Using this rule, in today's headline 'frozen fish' belongs grammatically to 'woman' not 'man'. .The way it's written, 'the woman, who was in possession of a frozen fish, beat the man'.
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That's not what the writer intended.
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Clearly written, the headline should read something like:
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..............MAN IS BEATEN WITH A FROZEN
...................FISH BY (AN IRATE) WOMAN
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It's now certain that Mrs. Paul did indeed hit the man with the fish.
.a
Shame on you Mrs. Paul! .SHAME!! .A woman of your age...
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But wait... did she beat the man with a fish that he was holding or...
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Good grief! .This could be more complex than we first thought.
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Let me read that modified headline one - more - time.
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Hmmmmm ... maybe the man is with the frozen fish and the woman beat the both of them for some unknown reason ... but WHY would
a man hang out with a frozen fish? That doesn't make any sense at all unless... do you think that the fish might have been an old flame??

Could it possibly be... ???
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Arrrggghhh!!! ..I'm SO - CONFUSED!!
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Anyway...
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Now you know allll about just what dangles and just what doesn't.
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Isn't that simply fantastic?
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I wonder whatever happened to the fish? .Durn! With all of this 'witty banter' going on, I hope it didn't haul off and spoil on us.