The Big(ger) Dig

Call of Nature Dept:
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Dateline: Beijing:
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....................FLUSH WITH SUCCESS,
............BEIJING TO REVAMP TOILETS
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Public toilets of today in China's ancient capital consist of
long lines of foul squat-holes with no doors for privacy or
running water for cleanup.
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Fetid restrooms have not only become an image problem
alllover China, butlthey've also affected the development
of tourism andlforeign investment, said the Beijing Daily.
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The old ones just can't be fixed!lsaid Lu Xiaoqi, a ranking
member of the Capital Civilized Construction Foundation.
Fixed? Exactly how do you fix a hole-in-the-ground??
We must all work to find a solution very quickly he said.
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So after much debate, the city's brilliant solution was...
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The Great Public Toilet Design Contest
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The winners were selected last week. .The first thirty pub-
lic restrooms are scheduled to be built no later than June.
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Beijing has 5000 public restrooms, most of which...
The last time I checked, metro Beijing's population stood
at over 17 MILLION. .One john per 3400 souls could def-
initely contribute to the overall problem.
... are serving as regular daily outhouses for the many who
have no indoor facilities at all in their own outdated homes.
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Instead of flushing...
Flushing? .A hole? .Is flushing really an option here??
...the public pits are left to fill until trucks with vacuum de-
vices ... AhSo - the old honey wagon ... pump them out.
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And I guess we all know what happens to it after that!!
Memo... Do NOT consume rice imported from Asia!
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The whole matter has resulted in a strong reaction leading
to a new craze - The Public Toilet Revolution, aslitlwas cal-
led by a young but innovative assistant editor of the Daily.
The paper was later forced to abandon this name since a
local rock band had already preempted the title.
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The first-place designlisla cement structure with a newspa-
per kiosk selling copies of the Beijing Daily which serve not
only as reading material, but also as an emergency substi...
Ah yes, the newspaper. So even in China the daily rag is a
definite requirement whilst one is sitting on the potty...
... public telephones...
Individuallstallslat Playboy Clubs have their own private
phones-use of which islgratis for those who wish to carry
on a conversation while they're seeing a man about a dog.
Nyaah nyaah nyaah nyaah nyaaaaah nyaaaaah!
... and outdoor chairs.
Chairs? Outdoors? .People can sitland WATCH? .How em-
barrasing is that? And this is somehow better than having
NO DOORS AT ALL? .Go figure!!
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Inside will be flushable toilets...
Super! .Now all we have to do is train 17 million Chinese
to pull the chain after each episode. .Managing this feat is
a more than trying matter, even in the good old U.S. of A.
...both of the squat and sit-down type, full length mirrors...
Are these full-lengthlmirrors-on the inside-visible to folks
who, just by accident, happen to be sitting-on the outside-
in the chairs so thoughtfully provided by the designer?
Yes? .Do you think that they will sell tickets?
... and limited cold-water faucets.
Yes - faucets. Faucets do indeed come in handy whenever
there is a nice supply of piped running water available.
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When government officials first announced the contest they
said that the new restrooms were to be built at tourist sites.
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Fantastic!
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So THEY really don't givelalhoot about johns for the great
unwashed masses after all. THEY just want to build up a lit-
tle visible PR andlrestore tourism while 17 million common
schlocks keep right on doing (their) business as usual!
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What a great solution! This only goesltolshow that where-
everlyoulare, bureaucrats are the same all over the world.
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When interviewed, Mayor Lin Qintan told the Daily that the
whole social experiment was sure to catch on.
Oh yes! .After all, it has in the rest of the civilized world...
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Doinglalfine job of building these new publicltoilets is a big
thing since itlisla symbol of the modernization and develop-
ment of our city and its civilized environment, ChunglXinga,
current local Communist Party chief was quoted as saying.

-The Tulsa Tribune
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Editor's Comments:
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Modernization and development of civilized environment?
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I'm having a lot of trouble trying to figure out just how it is that China, a country with a culture that's 5000-years-old and developed enough to have a nuclear capability, is just now coming into the process of a revolutionary social experiment which deals with regular use of the common commode by its thronging masses.
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I guess what they say is true... Life is priorities!
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Give it time and I might understand. .Meanwhile, I'll sit on it...