Mail order brides...

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Editor's Comment:
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Maybe next time you won't order one from ebay!

No S*** Sherlock!

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Say it ain't so Dept:
(OK; it ain't so)

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Dear Readers,

The Editor received the below quiz about Arthur Conan Doyle and Sherlock Holmes from a source that is usually reliable.

However the multiple answers supplied for the quiz are if not totally inaccurate, irrelevant or incomplete, at least misleading.

Answers (highlighted in red) are appended with the straight skinny and appropriate chastisement to the perpetrator of the falsehoods.

???

Arthur Conan Doyle

and

Sherlock Holmes

1.

Why did Doyle nearly refuse a knighting from Queen Elizabeth?

a. He believed his being knighted would demean the title.

b. He was afraid of being recognized for only his stories.
c. He was not a supporter of Queen Elizabeth.
d. He didn't want the extra attention.
Not true!  The REAL reason  is because he had a bum shoulder and could not take the hit from the sword used by the Queen during the ceremony of knighthood. And he didn't nearly refuse knighting the Queen, he DID refuse... at first anyway. He changed his mind after he was told that knights were not only exempt from taxes, but had
a blowout Christmas party every year at government expense.

As far as answer b. He was afraid of being recognized for only his stories, what OTHER accomplishment would qualify him to be a knight other than the adventures of Sherlock Holmes?

If that's not as plain as the nose on your face... geeze anyway!

2.

What two words did Doyle write in a diary after finishing his last story, The Final Problem?
a. No good
b. At last

c. Killed Holmes

d. Must edit
For cryin' out loud anyway! The last two words he REALLY wrote were The End!  Holy Catfish... how gullible art thou?

3.

Who was the model for Holmes?

a. A college professor

b. A professional detective
c. A fellow author
d. Doyle himself
The Editor is not 100% sure on this one, but the model was definitely NOT a college professor. Whoever heard of a college professor model anyway?  Doyle's REAL model was Twiggy, Cheryl Tiegs, or maybe Barney Fife, though Barney had definite problems standing still as he modeled. The truth is out there somewhere. The search continues...

4.

What was Doyle's profession before he abandoned it in favor of writing Sherlock Holmes stories full time?
a. Veterinarian

b. Optometrist

c. Psychiatrist
d. Court reporter
Nice try, but Doyle was a plumber. Anybody knows that. Why would he abandon his chosen trade? you may ask ... (of course it's remotely possible that you may NOT ask, but I'm going to tell you anyway.)

He finally figured out that writing was a much more desirable way to spend his time than cleaning out sewers and grease traps.

Very smart man, Doyle.

5.

Doyle's brother-in-law, E.W. Hornung, created a famous literary criminal by the name of:
a. Arsene Lupin

b. A.J. Raffles

c. Raoul d'Andresy
d. Jim Barnett
Wrong wrong wrong! First of all, it is absolutely shocking that the name of Dr. Moriarty was not supplied! Dr. Moriarty is the FIRST name that should come to anyone's mind. Archie Moriarty was not only a full professor at a small English college located in Pembury, but had earned his PhD in the area of criminology years before he was ever mentioned in a book.

However all of this is beside the point since Dr. Moriarty is not the correct answer to the question anyway. He was Doyle's character, not Hornung's.

Hornung's famous literary criminal's name was REALLY Michael Moore, of Fahrenheit 911 fame.  Mama mia!  Don't you ever watch the news?  How could you fall for this anyway??

Al Gore, the main mover behind An Inconvenient Truth would have been a superb candidate for the role of literary criminal but he didn't write "The Truth Which Was SO Inconvenient That It Was NOT the Truth" at all, he only inspired it; crime enough in itself, yet enough to disqualify Gore from further consideration in Hornung's view.

6.

One of Doyle's own exploits as a detective led to the British system of:

a. Appealing criminal cases

b. Proper representation for defendants in court
c. Conducting thorough police searches
d. Requiring background checks for police dogs
This is really too much! There were many Brit systems worthy of mention which were influenced by Doyle's detective stories.

Among these are harumphing, uttering the time-honoured British phrases Oh my word!, Zounds! and Gadzooks!, not to mention the Limey penchant for smoking long curved smelly pipes.

See Wikipedia to confirm all of this.

7.

In what year was Doyle knighted
a. 1895
b. 1897
c. 1900

d. 1902

As explained above, Doyle at first declined knighthood due to his bum shoulder. That being said a more appropriate question would have been: In what year was Doyle NOT knighted?

It should be plain to anyone that time and space preclude address
of the multiple answers possible for this intriguing question.

In your case however, it is entirely possible that you will spend the rest of the day trying to figure out all of the possibilities.

Have a good time dummy!

8.

Sherlock Holmes has the distinction of being:

a. The most portrayed character in film

b. The first true detective in literature
c. The fictional character who's received the most fan mail
d. The first character to make the leap from book to film.
Hahahahahahahaha!! Ohhhhh hahahahahahahahahaha!! That's a side splitter!  Not a chance!

Mickey Mouse is head-and-shoulders above Sherlock Holmes when it comes to frequency of fictional characters portrayed in film.  Sheriff  Andy Taylor of Mayberry, N.C. comes in a close second.

Sherlock Holmes can't carry either one of their suitcases as far as frequency of portrayal is concerned.

9.

Using the name A.C. Smith, Doyle played which sport?
a. Football
b. Rugby
c. Tennis
d. Golf

Football... right!

So what position did he play?  Left out?  Center of attention?  Right on?  No - Center of gravity!  That's it!  Football in a pig's eye.

Nice try! Anyway, REAL football; American football; is an offshoot of rugby.  Now there's a REAL sport... football with no pads - yikes!

The sordid truth is, Doyle was a renowned champion in the revered English sport of cow pie tossing.  The reason he used a fake name in competition was due to his great embarrassment regarding many unappealing and odoriferous accomplishments on the field of play with which he was unfailingly associated.  

10.

Which TV doctor is based directly on Sherlock Holmes?
a. Mark Sloan (Diagnosis Murder)
b. Peter Benton (ER)
c. John Dorian (Scrubs)

d. Gregory House (House)

Another question about which The Editor is not totally positive other than the fact that Gregory House had nothing to do with Sherlock Holmes.

The REAL answer is either Dr. Kildare, Dr. Spock, Dr. Pepper, or Dr. Lou (Holtz). Look this up yourself, as it's really quite tedious doing all of your dirty work for you.

Besides that, research on Cheryl Tiegs is proving to be an ongoing if not quite pleasant task, so when it comes to researching TV Doctors further, you can GO FISH!

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Editor's Comment:
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Case closed!!  What say old chap?...  Harumph - indeed!!

It does TOO take a rocket scientist!

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Math 901 Dept:

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Editor's Comments:
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Sure at long last that I had found the perfect job, I ripped off a tab.

I computed the phone number; for me, not that difficult since it was coded as a simple algebraic formula... high school stuff!

Excited beyond words I dialed with trembling fingers. A business-like voice answered and asked me what kind of pizza I'd like this evening!

Oh well...

I ordered a stuffed cheese supreme with black olives and anchovies.

Dream on MacDuff

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You're not gettin' any Dept:

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Editor's Comment:  Apologies to Bill Shakespeare for the title...
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It's a dog's life!

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Phaedeux speaks out Dept:

Dear Master,

You are my Master. I will always be devoted to you. Nevertheless, there are a few things you do that are IRRITATING AS HELL!!

1. Blaming your gas on me...

Not funny... not funny at ALL!

2. Yelling at me for barking...

I'm a DOG you idiot!

3. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...

Stop it!!  Just STOP it!!

4. Clips having ribbons and bows;  pink toenails...

Now you know why I chew stuff up when you're not home.

5. How you act disgusted when I lick myself...

Look, we both know the truth.  You're jealous!

6. The sleight of hand; fake throw and fetch...

You fooled a dog. Whooo oooooo!!

What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet's office for the "big snip" and THEN acting surprised when I start to freak out every time we go back...

What if YOU turned into an instant soprano overnight?

8. Getting upset when I sniff your guests...

Sorry, I haven't mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. We both know who's boss here...

You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

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Editor's Comment:  Holy Catfish!!  A talking dog!!
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The Sabbath

And on the seventh day... He rested

It weren't no asteroid folks...

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Extinction Dept:

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Editor's Comment:
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... the REAL reason that T-Rex no longer walks among us.
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Tying the knot

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Dearly Beloved Dept:

Dear Readers,

At some point in the life of most guys, there comes a moment when popping the question becomes significant.  Conversely, for MiLady
this moment morphs to a decision between 2 more than meaningful words; Yes or No.

Up to this time, the battle to find Mr. Right or Miss Perfect has been raging on, oft times for years and years on end.

So exactly how DOES one select the perfect mate?

Ah, the age-old question!

Our very own offspring now provide surprising insight into both the process and criteria related to this baffling and unknown process.

***

How do you decide whom to marry?

Alan, age 10

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you're into sports then she should like it that you're into sports;  and she should always keep the chips, dip, pretzels and beer coming on for sure.

Kristen, age 10

No person really decides who they are going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out who you're stuck with later on.

What is the right age to get married?

Camille, age 10

23 is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

Freddie, age 6

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. 

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
Derrick, age 8
You have to guess; like if they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

Monica, age 10

When they both look like each other or their pet.

What do you think your Mom and Dad have in common?

Lori, age 8

Both of them don't want any more kids. 

Mark, age 8

They each have their own bedroom.

Regina, age 10

They like to yell a lot.

What do most people do on a date?

Lynette, age 9
Dates are for having fun. People should use them to get to know each other.  Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. 
Martin, age 10
On the first date they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go out together on a second date.

What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?

Craig, age 9
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call the newspapers and make sure they all wrote about me in their dead columns. 

Lydia, age 9

I'd go up to a really big man and tell him that I was being kidnapped.

When is it OK to kiss someone?

Pam, age 7
When they're rich. 

Curt, age 7

The law says you have to be 18 so I wouldn't want to mess with that. 

Howard, age 8

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone then you should marry them and have kids with them.  It's just the right thing to do.

Roland, age 10

It's OK to kiss somebody only if you're in the Mafia and you have to.

Is it better to be single or married?

Theodore, age 8

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to smooch with my wife.  I don't want to be all grossed out.
Anita, age 9
It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them and run the vacuum and stuff.

How would it be different if people didn't get married?

Kelvin, age 8
There sure would be lots of kids to explain, wouldn't there? 
Marcia, age 9
I'm not sure if it would really be that much different, but I wouldn't want to be in the diamond business for sure.

How would you make a marriage work?

Felicia, age 10

Don't make your husband take out the trash or pick up his socks.
Ricky, age 10
Tell your wife she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.

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Editor's comment:  Durn! Why didn't I think of all this stuff?
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And the question is...

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Chemistry 101 Dept:

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Today you are to take the essay portion of your final examination for this term.

Originality and factual research will count heavily toward your overall grade.

You are to write a one page paper on the subject: Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?

Editor's note:
Exothermic entities give off while endothermic entities absorb heat.

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Editor's Comment:

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The Editor being a proctor for this exam, watched over the shoulder of The King of Nerds as he wrote the following brilliant treatise:

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Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?

First we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time; that is to say, the rate at which souls are moving into Hell, as opposed to the rate at which they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume once a soul goes to Hell that it will stay, therefore NO souls are leaving... none at ALL!

As far as the number of souls entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today.  Most of these religions insist that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. 

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people can neither realistically nor morally belong to more than one religion, we can project that ALL souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

We now must become aware of the rate of change of the volume in Hell for if the temperature and pressure in Hell are to stay the same, the volume of Hell must expand proportionally as souls are added which is consistent according to Boyle's Law.

This gives us two realistic possibilities:

1. Hell is expanding at a slower rate than that of the number of souls entering causing an increase in both the temperature and pressure with the eventual result of all Hell breaking loose.

2. Hell is expanding at a faster rate than that of the number of souls entering, causing the temperature and pressure to drop with the eventual result of Hell freezing over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Miss Theresa Whimseley during high school that It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you! and take into account the fact that I slept with her only last night, then number two must be true.

Thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is, that since Hell has frozen over, it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore now extinct.

 
Since Hell no longer exists, this leaves only Heaven which proves both the existence of a divine being and why Theresa kept shouting
Oh my God over and over again during our clandestine sojourn of last night!

                                   **** 
The Editor is happy to report a grade of A+

That's Whut Ah Lahk About the South... Gotcha

Payback Dept:

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Editor's Comment:  I can't stand these new sarcastic laptops...
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Home Alone

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My hero Dept:

They were together in the dark house, just the two of them. The storm had blown in quickly. Each time the thunder boomed, he watched her cringe in fear.

She admired his strength from far across the room wishing that he'd hold her;  that he'd comfort her, and protect her from the fury of the raging tempest.

Suddenly, with a loud bang, the power went out!

As she screamed in terror, without hesitation he raced to the sofa where she cowered, pulling her into his huge muscular arms.

He knew that theirs was a forbidden union and expected her to pull away. But she didn't resist, instead clinging to him with all her might.

The storm raged on. They knew it was wrong; knew that their families would never understand.  So consumed were they with their fear and crazy mixed up feelings for each other that they didn't notice as the door slowly creaked open and stealthy footsteps approached.

Then in the brief silence between the thunderous lightning bolts, they heard distinctly, the unmistakable click of a camera's shutter...

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Editor's Comment: Oh my word! A match made in heaven...
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Adam's rib

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Garden of Eden Dept:

Dear Readers:

The Editor has been somewhat cattily informed by a member of the fair sex, that  the  real reason Eve was created was that The Lord and Master felt that He "could do better" after creating Adam.

Isn't that just too cute?

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Editor's Comments:
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It took awhile, but The Editor has been able to confirm that MiLady was basically right.  But Her Royal Highness for whatever reason left the tale of man's creation quite incomplete, stopping at the point:

...and God scratched His head and said I can do better than this!

Then she left it at that!!!... can you imagine??

To clear the air, here is the REST of the ugly story:
------------------------------ 
...and God scratched His head and said I can do better than this!

...continued...

So He caused Adam to sleep and created the woman called Eve out of his rib.  When finished, He looked at the fruit of his labor, slapped himself hard in the face and cried out loud: 

No, no, no... that's ALL wrong!!! 

Back at the drawing board again He created Spot, the trusty Golden Retriever to forever serve as Man's Best Friend.

And He said: Ahhhhh... THAT'S what we're looking for; someone who will be faithful to Adam to the death, obey his every command without question, eat what's put before him without complaining, has no clue what a birthday or anniversary is, doesn't care if Adam leaves the seat to the commode up or down, has no problem with Adam drinking milk right out of the bottle, loves to play in the dirt, thinks that channel-hopping is cool, and lighting farts is hilarious. 

Unfortunately enough, Eve was already made, and God being God absolutely refused to just 'undo her'. Besides, there was the very real complexity of restoring Adam's rib;not an easy job even for the most skilled of orthopaedic surgeons. 

Editor's note: OK, so strike me with lightning already... 

Besides that, Adam had already P.O.ed The Lord mightily with his unrelenting complaints about being 'lonely' and 'bored stiff'.

So God  left Eve with Adam as his punishment.  But He at least had enough compassion to add Spot, the trusty Golden Retriever to the group so as to console Adam in his grief at receiving such a bad lot in life.

Later on, Eve also P.O.ed The Lord by tricking Adam into eating of the forbidden fruit, so He also invented hunting, fishing, NASCAR, high heeled shoes, dishpan hands, and cigars as a payback to Eve.

Although there is no record of the particulars, Adam must have done something else VERY wrong for Him to have created such tortures as alimony, women drivers, quiche, nagging, headaches, Valentine's Day, neckties, nose-hair, tennis bracelets and telltale lipstick stains.

I don't know. Maybe He was just evening up the playing field for the both of them... the records lost forever, we'll never know for sure. 

Arggghhh - quiche!! I wish the boy had quit while he was ahead.

Calvary

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For God so loved the world...

It's all over but tha shoutin' folks...

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B.S.O.D. Dept:

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Editor's Comment:  OMG!!  The dreaded Blue Screen Of Death!
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Cuttin' a rug

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Disco Dept:

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Editor's Comment:
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It'd make about as much sense as anything else I've heard lately...
(Thanks to my old programmer mentor Paul Benjaminson)

Amaz(e)ing

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There and Back Again Dept:

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Editor's Comment:

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In around 42 weeks I'd venture to say... give or take a day or so.