The Straight Skinny 101

Who'da thunk it Dept:

Ladies and Gentlemen:

It would benefit each of you to pay close attention and take notes as there will be a short quiz follow- ing today's lecture on Facts to File and Forget.
1.

American cars beep the tone of F.
Yes they do. This stands for f--- off, you $%#^$ miserable idiot!!
2.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
Stranger is the fact that this is also true for the queen of hearts.
3.
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Whaddayamean they don't know I'm there. Are they $*^&#@ blind?
I'm there! ... and they know I'm there!!  I have the bites to prove it!
4.
Apples, not caffeine are more efficient at waking you up mornings.
When thrown accurately, this is more than true.
5.
The plastic thingys on the end of shoe laces are called aglets.
This is the main reason that I wear loafers. Ever since the 2nd grade when I missed "aglet" on a spelling test, I've disliked them.
6.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
Right. I guess this is the reason I'm replacing all those dust filters between my heating/AC units and the interior of the house every month...to screen out all that nasty dead skin trying to get in from the great out-of-doors.
7.
The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
I wonder if he tried to sue the way that idiots do today?
8.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
I'll bet the IRS doesn't know that.
9.
Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have had her head shown on a Pez dispenser.
What was HER full name? I'll bet the IRS doesn't know that either. And what the hell is a Pez dispenser?
10.
The soft drink 7-UP was created in 1929.
7 was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces.
UP indicated the direction of the bubbles. 
It would be very cool if they could make the bubbles go down some way.  No, wait...'7-Down' wouldn't market that well would it...
11.
The albatross drinks sea water. It has a special desalinization appara- tus that strains out and excretes all excess salt.
I've often pondered as to why albatross poop is white.  Now I know.
Thank you ever so much for bringing this to my attention.
12.
Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
She had a kid? Durn... I never knew... was he the one with the slight limp, the spastic right arm, and the ridiculous little mustache?
13. Marilyn Monroe had six toes. 
The other four were cut off on a camping trip which made her off balance for the rest of her life. This is why her butt moved around
the way it did when she walked. In all other areas of the anatomy department, Marilyn was 1st class A-number-one. It's interesting
knowing about the toes, but to tell the honest truth, I never really paid much attention to the toes part of her.
14.
A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why,.
I know why!
It's because ducks don't go to the Grand Canyon, lean over the side and yell Hellooooo.  Now you also know why.  Aren't you happy?
15.
All porcupines float in water.
Except when they're in the desert or maybe up a tree somewhere.

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Quiz:

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
1.Which ones were they?

2.Did Adolf Hitler have human parents or was he an alien?
If you think that Adolf Hitler had human parents:
    a. What was the last name of his mother?
    b. What was the last name of his father?
    c. Were his parents of the opposite sex?
If you think that Adolf Hitler was an alien:
    d. What planet did he call home? 
    Note: Do not consider California as a valid answer.

Besides floating:
3.What else does a porcupine do in the water?

Given that all porcupines float in the water:

4.What is it that all bears do in the woods?

Ducks do not yell Hellooooo when they go to the Grand Canyon.
5.What DO they yell?
    a. Geronimo
    b. Quack

The 1st owner of Marlboro died of lung cancer.

6.Did he smoke after sex? 
    a. Yes he did.
    b. No; he just laid there trying to reach his flash point. 
    c. Unknown; if he ever looked to see, he's not telling. 

Hypothesis: The 1st owner of Marlboro sues for damages: 
7.Will the idiot jury realize that he is already dead?
    a. No; they will show him the money.
    b. Yes; they will show him the money anyway. 

The name 7-UP was selected by an advertising firm and approved by marketing BEFORE the size of the bottle had been fixed.
8.How many meetings did it take before upper management realized
    that it might be a good idea if 7-UP was sold in 7 ounce bottles?

9.How many meetings did it take for them to realize that the bubbles
    always went UP no matter how they held an unopened bottle?

10.Did upper management take all the credit for naming 7-UP?
      a. You must be joking... of course they did!
      b. No, they gave full credit to their advertising firm.
          Note: b. will be considered a wrong answer.

11.What wakes you up best in the morning.
      a. Coffee
      b. Apples
      c. Some sort of physical activity best unnamed at the moment.

The queen of hearts, like the king of hearts, has no mustache.

12.Do you think that she waxes?
      a. Yes
      b. No; she uses a straight razor.

13.Do you own a Barbie doll?
      a. Yes I do.
      b. No; I used to, but now I have a pit bull. 

Plastic thingys on the end of shoe laces are called aglets.

14.What is the bottom part of the shoe called?
      a. The sole
      b. The soul
      c. The bottom part of the shoe

Bonus question:
What the hell is a Pez dispenser?

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Editor's Comment:  More to come in future blogs... maybe.
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