Numbah Puuleese...

Noble thoughts Dept:
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Headline:
.
...................SALVATION ARMY
...............DONATES FREE CALLS
.
......The Salvation Army is encouraging all
......homeless .people to call .home to their
......Mothers, free of charge, for the next 4
......weekends this summer.
.
......Three .telephones will be reserved for
......the free calls between 7 and 10 p.m. at
......4114 W. 23rd street, 0n the sixth floor
......of the main building.
.
......A prayer meeting will be held...
.
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Editor's Comments:
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Now this article may not seem to make much sense on the face of it, but I will give plenty of dollars to pesos that the lines will be long.

How so? you say...

Let's just you and I pretend that we're listening in on the QT and we'll see how some of these freebie calls are gonna' go...

1. ..Hello Ma? Put me down for a five-spot on Get It Back to place in
.....the 5th.at Pimlico Ma...
.
2. .Hello Ma? This is Bill Joe; how ya doin' Ma? ... yes Ma, Bill Joe...
.....Bill Joe Freebus. .Ma?... hello, .Ma? .Ma? .Hellohellohello, Ma?...
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3. .Hello Ma? Hello... oh hello... is this the pay phone at the corner
.....of One Way--->.and Don't Walk? ... It is? ....Is my Ma there?
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4. .Hello Ma? .This is Bill Joe Ma... yes Ma, I'm fine. .Do you still get
.....out next.month Ma?
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5. .No operator, I don't have the address...
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6. .Hello Ma? .Ma? .Who is this!!??
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7. .Ring...riing...riiing...click!...and there's another quarter for Mogen
.-...David ...... Hi there - I'm here to make the free phone call home to
...-.my Ma. .No... No I didn't just make my free call... really.
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8. .Yes operator, my home phone is 1-900-843-5733...
       really... yes. it IS ...honest injun operator...
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9. .Hello Ma? ... She's WHERE?
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10.Hello Ma?.This is Bill Joe. I just wanted to - Yes Ma I brush every
.....day Ma... yes Ma, yes; I am wearing clean underwear Ma...
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11..Hello Ma? .You sound like you have a cold Ma... oh ... hello Pa.
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12. Hello Ma? It's Bill Joe Ma... I just want... I know it is Ma... I know...
.0..Don't worry about how I got your number, OK Ma? .Ma?? .Ma??
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13. Hello Ma? .This is Bill Joe Ma. .Ma? .Ma?... Ma... I know you're
0.0there Ma... C'mon Ma, I heard you say "hello"...

There! .See what I mean?
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What? .You don't think so??
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Wanna bet? ...OK then - we'll see about that right now, smart-alek!!
.
... ummm... errrr... uhhhh...
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You got a quarter?

Chop Shop

In the Dark of the Night Dept:

Headline:
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...........THIEVES STEAL
..........BURGLAR ALARM
.
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Editor's Comment:
*******************
Fortunately for the victim of the crime, the Porsche attached to the other end of the alarm was left intact.

Heads you lose!

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Whodunit Dept:
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Headline:
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.NO CAUSE OF DEATH DETERMINED
...........FOR BEHEADING VICTIM
.
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Editor's Comments:
********************
According to local authorities, the case has
been assigned to an investigative team, led
by Detective Lt. Ichabod Crane.
.
He has been given until Halloween eve' .to come up with some good answers.
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dit dit dit dit... dit dit dit dit...

Update: The mystery has been solved!

As his first task, Ichabod himself tackled the puzzling matter posed by the headline:What was the cause of death? After but a short pause for thought, he quite astutely concluded that it really didn't matter since the victim was a goner no matter what the reason. More important he decided, was to determine who done it, and how!
.
The prime suspect was initially the Queen of
Hearts. .She had the temperament, method,
madness, resources, and this type of thing fit
her modus operandi to a "T".
.
Crane grilled the Queen intensely but she wouldn't back down, time--after--time insisting to him that she was INNOCENT; that SHE DIDN'T DO IT!!

Ichabod it seems, had run up against a brick wall!

The case seemed to stall, however after intense questioning .by .Deputy Barney Fife, Floyd the barber finally admitted that while it was.purely due to a misconception, he was the guilty party.

It seems that he wasn't exactly sure what the victim meant when he'd told him:

Take a little off the top...

But the story has a happy ending because even
though he had confessed, justice prevailed and Floyd was released without being charged.
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"After all" said Fife ... "he was only following in- structions given to him by a paying customer."
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Well done Deputy Fife!! .Well done TEAM!!

CASE CLOSED!!

P.S.
Don't anybody tell the kids or the Boy Scouts about any of this. It'd surely ruin a great old-fashioned sittin'-around-the-campfire story.

Hey Diddle Diddle...

Mad Cow Dept:
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Headline:
..............LOCAL MAN HIT BY COW
.
..........A .Cresston man was run over by a
..........cow while he was riding his bicycle
..........at the corner of Sycamore and Oak
..........streets Saturday afternoon.
.
..........According to the police report Don
..........Jakobbsen was .uninjured after the
..........cow ran over him while he rode his
..........bicycle, which was a total loss.
.
..........The cow had escaped from a veteri-
..........nary clinic at 1509 Crossman Rd.
.
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Editor's Comments:
********************
Now it may seem strange that a man would be run over by a cow, but stranger things have happened.
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It seems that the cow, after sawing through the bars of its cage in the clinic, had stolen a 1947 Plymouth coupe to complete its getaway.
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Not being familiar with stick-shift, it lost control of the vehicle, run- ning over Jakobbsen in the process.
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The terrified cow fled the scene of the accident, panicked, and....

...jumped over the moon.

The little dog laughed to see such sport,
and the dish ran away with the spoon!
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How about that!!
.
.
When things like this actually happen, all of those childhood nursery rhymes don't seem quite so far-fetched anymore do they?

Geronimo-o-o!

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Grandstanding Dept:
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Sports Section:
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Dateline:
New York, N.Y.
.
......A woman climbed to the top of
......the left-field foul pole at empty
......Shea Stadium yesterday, jump-
......ed over 120 feet .onto the play-
......ing field,.and .survived, accord-
......ing to a police spokesman.
.
......The .42-year-old woman, who
......had been, despondent over re-
......cent.financial losses, landed in
......what .would .be foul .territory
......during.a game...
.
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Editor's Comments:
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... if the ball lands in foul territory or is touched by a player in foul territory, it is a foul ball. Standard Rules & Regulations of Baseball

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that that jump or no-jump, this woman is a genuine first-class foul ball all by her lonesome.

For those of you who don't know that much about baseball, what this means is that even though the she had two strikes on her it's not over ... at least not quite yet.
.
She gets to jump again to see if she can finally get it right.

Don't tread on me!!

.

Road RAGE Dept:

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Editor's Comment: .Pass if you dare...
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You want fries with that?

White meat or dark Dept:

Social Section:
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..Sunday - Eastern .Bay Shopping Mall:
..A free, guided, bird identification walk
..will visit several regional parks today.
.
..Meet at 11:30 a.m. in the parking lot of
..Kentucky Fried Chicken on Elm.
.
..After the walk, a luncheon .featuring
..choices from a unique menu will be ser-
..ved by KFC.in their main dining room...
.
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Editor's Comment:
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BIRDS... Go Back!!... Go Back!!... STAY AWAAAY... NOOOOO...
SHOO... SHOO... SHOO... LOOK OOOOUT... IT'S A TRIIIICK...

Beachside Bistro

Undertow Dept:

................THE SEA
..Has moved 1 block south
......to 305 N. Harbor Blvd.

..........Lunchtime Special
......Baked Flounder.. $6.99
......................***
...............Appetizers
......Stuffed Calamari .$4.99
......She Crab Bisque...$3.99
...................... bowl0 $4.49...
..
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Editor's Comments:
********************
This sign is only accurate at certain times of the day. When the tide goes out again, everything returns to normal once more.
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Tender Loving Care

Y'all Come Dept:

Sign of the Times:

................SPIFFY LUBE
.........................***
.................IF YOU LOVE
.........................HER
...................LUBE HER!
.
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Editor's Comment:
*******************
This works like crazy!! .I used 10W50 multi-weight with great results.
.

A Different Drummer

Dear Readers:

Have you ever heard the saying:

"He marches to the beat of a different drummer"?

Yes-I have........  __
No--I have nott __

Whether you have or haven't, check out the drummer in THIS band:

Click here for the music.

(Note: link opens in a new window)

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Editor's Comments:
********************
Finally and at last!! .A drummer that can keep a steady tempo.
.
Now THAT'S different!! (LOL)
 
Anxious to know more about this phenomenon I sent an e-mail query to international officers of the A.F.of M. who quickly replied that the drummer's name is registered with them as Deere.

There was a John somewhere in their response, but it wasn't clear whether it went before or after the Deere part so until that issue is resolved, just plain old Deere will have to do.

I'm sure all of you noticed that at the end of the piece Mr. Deere did not stop playing, but continued on, totally oblivious to all... as if he didn't realize a thing that was going on around him.

From long experience I can assure you, that is indeed the way it was.
.
He didn't realize what was going on around him!

While they're happily banging away, drummers almost never realize what's going on around them... or in front of them... or behind them..

Believe this!

But that's not at all surprising to me, because over the course of 30 years as a professional musician, both as a sitting member of the ensemble and while on the podium as a conductor, I painfully came to realize that once they get started, the vast majority of percussionists live in Never-Never-Land until some-one or some-thing physically jars them back to reality.

Blunt trauma of some sort administered forcibly to the side of the head usually does the trick sooner or later.

After countless attempts to persuade drummers both young and old to consistently watch the conductor and/or listen to everybody else, I admitted defeat at last, acknowledged the fact that drummers are a breed of their own, and reluctantly accepted their inattentions as par for the course... a necessary evil that must be tolerated, like it or not.

So, forearmed with my previous experiences, after the band finished playing .Sweet Georgia Brown in the video clip, I actually expected Mr. Deere to truck on and would have been quite astonished if he had quit at the end along with everybody else.

Be that as it may, the question remains:

What to DO about drummers??!!

Ya' can't live without 'em...

Excuse me... what's that again?
.
Oho!! .You think that you can??

Well then Dear Readers, let me ask you this:

What would Strauss' Also Sprach Zarathustra* be without the stirring throb of the tympani at the beginning? (* the theme to 2001: A Space Odessey)

Taaaa,taaaa,taaaaaaaa...ta-daaaaaaaa boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom-boom -- boom --- Boom ---- BOOM...

How effective would Prokofiev's Peter and the Wolf be with no percussion to noisily announce the thrilling entrance of the hun- ters and portray the gunshots that they fire at the wolf?

No percussion = No hunters!!! .Just think about it, will you...

Without hunters it surely would have meant the end for Little Red Riding Hood- and her dear old Granny to boot!!  EGAD!

What would Connecticut Halftime be without a snare drum?

I'll tell you what it would be. It would be total dead silence since Connecticut Halftime is an a cappella solo for snare.

"But...", you say uncertainly "... silence is golden... isn't it?"

So - you're still not qui-i-i-te convinced.. but I can see some cracks..

OK then... here's some more for you...

When they're not playing, how could a marching band march down the avenue without the steady rhythmic cadence of the drums to keep them all in step?
.
rata tat tat tat
rata tat tat tat
rata tat tat tatatata tat tat tat...

What would The Little Drummer Boy* be without a drum, eh? *(originally Carol of the Drum)

The Plain Old Ordinary Ho-Hum Regular Boring Snot-nosed Tedious Droopy Drawers Dull Little Boy with No Drum at all! - that's what!

Can you imagine Christmas with no "Pa rump-a-pum-pum"?

INDEED!

And try this one on for size...

What if there were no "Drums Along the Mohawk"?

My Word!! .Perish the thought!!

How exciting would reenactments of our own Revolutionary War be without the image of the brave young drummer boy ... steadfastly marching to the fray beside his brethren; one playing the fife and the other holding our proud but tattered battle flag?

What about Gun Fight - the fourth movement to Aaron Copland's Billy the Kid? Without the percussion section there'd be no gun-
... there'd be no fight!!

Bummer!!
--------------------------
Now - close your eyes and imagine the below...

BOOM... boom boom...
Boom... boom boom...
Boom... .boom boom...

.
What's that one??

Aha - very good! .Now you're beginning to get the hang of it!
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Yes indeed, it's Copeland again - this time, the introduction to his Fanfare for the Common Man.

I ask you... how would Bob Dylan have opened half of his shows without Fanfare for the Common Man?
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Here's a tough one...
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BrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrUP!
BrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrUP!
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
DeedleDeeldeDeedleDeeldeDeedleEDeeDee
DEEE
Deet deet dee deee deee dee
DeedleEDeeDee...
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Give up?
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OK, I understand... it WAS tough. It's Rossini's La Gaza Ladra!! (The Thieving Magpie)
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See what I mean? .Ya' can't live without 'em...
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So, noisy as they always are, irritating as they often can be...
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Ya' gotta live with 'em!!
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GOOD HEAVENS!!!
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The Bottom Line:
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As a life-long instrumentalist, though it's tough to finally admit, when it comes down to drums and drummers alike, the fact remains:
.
Sometimes maybe silence isn't so golden after all!!
.

*****

Dedicated to my friend Dan Kline who is-you guessed it-a drummer!
P.S.
As Dan has succinctly reminded me, and on more than one occasion:
The rest of the band plays whenever the drummers allow them to!!
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Dear Readers: ... I rest my case ...
.

Your Honor, the Defense rests...

Tell it to the Judge Dept:

Legal News:

........The State Court of Appeals has turned
........down Richard Wertzler's appeal of the
........automatic suspension of his driver's li-
........cense. .Wertzler had refused to take a
........blood alcohol test when he was arrest-
........ed at the scene of an accident.

........His .argument to the court was that he
........was too drunk to realize that he should
........have agreed to .the test when asked by
........the investigating officer in charge.

-The Starr Sentinel-Ledger
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Editor's Comment: .Hey - no fair - maybe he would have passed.
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A Road Less Traveled (now)

Road Sign of the Times:

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Editor's Comments:
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I do believe that I've seen this very same sign somewhere before...

hmmm... now let me see... wheeere was it?

Oh yes, I remember... north of Yellowstone... up in Montana it was!

It turns out that the sign is posted where U.S. 89 used to be, but after the road was closed due to construction of a hydroelectric dam, now lies at the new bottom of the new lake created by the new dam.

It was put there to serve as a reminder to those who either missed or ignored the ROAD CLOSED AHEAD!! sign a half-mile earlier, kept right on going, and ended up running off what is now a 40-foot cliff.

Oh well... it was an old truck anyway...

The Freeloader

Taste Tester Dept:

.............. TRY the NEW
.......GALLSTONE MUESLI
........... .. IT'S SO GOOD
........... WE GUARANTEE
....... ....YOU'LL LIKE IT!
........................***
. ........We support our claim
...........with a.FREE box of
...........Gallstone Muesli!!

-Gallstone Foods Inc.
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Editor's Comments:
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Dear Gallstone Muesli:

I hate your Muesli! It tastes like soggy cardboard.

I do not like soggy cardboard either, but I ate some once because
I was broke and could not find anything else to eat.

If I had to choose between Gallstone Muesli and any kind of card- board at all for breakfast, I would choose the cardboard for sure.

Yours truly,
The Editor

P.S.
Please send my free box of Gallstone Muesli to:
555 Shnorer Circle
Poohbah, GA 3032?

Also, if I do not like it either, would it be possible for me to get another free box for that one too?
.

The Miracle Cure

Picky, picky, picky Dept:

Emergency Correction:
There was an error in the "To Your Health" column published Monday.

In the 5th paragraph, the 2nd sentence stated that "Charlie's hiccups were temporarily halted through the use of carbon monoxide."

Carbon monoxide however, is a highly toxic lethal gas.

The article should have instead made reference to "carbon dioxide", a gas which is totally harmless to humans.

We sincerely apologize for any confusion.

-The Putnam City Post Gazette
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Editor's Comments:
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Though he tried for two solid days, breathing carbon dioxide (CO2) did not cure Charlie's hiccups at all.

Frustrated that the CO2 wasn't working despite all of his high hopes and hard work, he decided to try the carbon monoxide (CO) route
as was originally reported in the paper.

Who knows... taking away that one little atom of oxygen might make all the difference in the world... and what could it hurt anyway?

Besides he had heard, and more than once, that carbon monoxide would cure anyone's hiccups permanently, forevermore and Amen.

Unfortunately it turned out that they were right!

... so that was the end of Charlie!

Oops... what a pity!

I guess he never heard about breathing into a brown-paper bag, standing on your head, or holding your breath for 30 seconds...

Hooousecleaning...

Watch your step Dept:
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... sign at the front desk of a Tokyo hotel ...
.
.....YOU ARE INVITED TO
.........TAKE ADVANTAGE
.....................of the
..........CHAMBERMAID
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Editor's Comment:
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What they didn't say is that she's a 4th degree black belt...
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Surf's Up

Bizzare Combinations Dept:

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Editor's Comments:
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Stretching my imagination to its limits, I come up with only three conclusions to the message sent by this otherwise curious billboard:

1) .It's an advertisement about a Bible class.
2) They are currently up to the book of Exodus...
3) ... reading about the Israelites and the parting of the Red Sea.

I wonder if Moses knew how to hang ten?

Maybe they'll find out. I'll keep you posted.