Christmas Gift !!

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.

Christmas Gift Dept:

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*******************
Editor's Comment:
*******************
The children were feeling guilty about having shaken the box all morning to see if they could guess what was inside...

1812... where the fun begins

Dogs are from Mars... Cats are from...

.

Dear Diary Dept:

A Dog's Day:
0800 - Dog food; my favorite thing!
0900 - A car ride; my favorite thing!
1000 - A long nap; my favorite thing!
1100 - Got petted; my favorite thing!
1200 - Lunchtime; my favorite thing!
1300 - Soup bone; my favorite thing!
1400 - Wag my tail; my favorite thing!
1500 - Pet crunchie; my favorite thing!
1700 - Ran in the yard; my favorite thing!
1900 - TV with Master; my favorite thing!
2300 - Slept on the bed; my favorite thing!

Well now; that was easy enough.

Onward to the Cat of the House...

Day 793:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on meat, while the other inmates and myself are fed a disgusting soupy hash or some sort of tasteless dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations quite clear, I nevertheless must eat something to keep up my strength.  The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, once again I pull out the hairball card.  It doesn't work.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their very hearts since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of doing if I so choose.

However, they merely made condescending comments about what a fine little hunter I was.  Niiice kitty kitty... goood kitty kitty...

Indeed!

There was some sort of assembly involving their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event, but I could still hear them talking and smell the food. I overheard that my absence was due to the power of allergies.  I shall learn what this means and devise a way of using it to my own best advantage.

Day 794:
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try the same thing again tomorrow, but this time at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are not only flunkies but stoolies.  The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released... then for some odd reason, seems to be more than willing to return.

The beast also buries perfectly good soup bones under piles of dirt.

He is obviously retarded!

The bird must surely be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly as they secretly plan their evil strategies.

I am certain that my every move is reported as soon as I make it.

The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe - but only for now.  Soon I will strike.

Meanwhile I prowl.; watching and waiting... ever waiting.

*******************

Editor's comment:
*******************
Back and forth... forth and back; the haggard feline paced the floor...

Dinner for 12

.

 

.

Do this in remembrance of Me...

Mail order brides...

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*******************

Editor's Comment:
*******************
Maybe next time you won't order one from ebay!

No S*** Sherlock!

.

Say it ain't so Dept:
(OK; it ain't so)

.

Dear Readers,

The Editor received the below quiz about Arthur Conan Doyle and Sherlock Holmes from a source that is usually reliable.

However the multiple answers supplied for the quiz are if not totally inaccurate, irrelevant or incomplete, at least misleading.

Answers (highlighted in red) are appended with the straight skinny and appropriate chastisement to the perpetrator of the falsehoods.

???

Arthur Conan Doyle

and

Sherlock Holmes

1.

Why did Doyle nearly refuse a knighting from Queen Elizabeth?

a. He believed his being knighted would demean the title.

b. He was afraid of being recognized for only his stories.
c. He was not a supporter of Queen Elizabeth.
d. He didn't want the extra attention.
Not true!  The REAL reason  is because he had a bum shoulder and could not take the hit from the sword used by the Queen during the ceremony of knighthood. And he didn't nearly refuse knighting the Queen, he DID refuse... at first anyway. He changed his mind after he was told that knights were not only exempt from taxes, but had
a blowout Christmas party every year at government expense.

As far as answer b. He was afraid of being recognized for only his stories, what OTHER accomplishment would qualify him to be a knight other than the adventures of Sherlock Holmes?

If that's not as plain as the nose on your face... geeze anyway!

2.

What two words did Doyle write in a diary after finishing his last story, The Final Problem?
a. No good
b. At last

c. Killed Holmes

d. Must edit
For cryin' out loud anyway! The last two words he REALLY wrote were The End!  Holy Catfish... how gullible art thou?

3.

Who was the model for Holmes?

a. A college professor

b. A professional detective
c. A fellow author
d. Doyle himself
The Editor is not 100% sure on this one, but the model was definitely NOT a college professor. Whoever heard of a college professor model anyway?  Doyle's REAL model was Twiggy, Cheryl Tiegs, or maybe Barney Fife, though Barney had definite problems standing still as he modeled. The truth is out there somewhere. The search continues...

4.

What was Doyle's profession before he abandoned it in favor of writing Sherlock Holmes stories full time?
a. Veterinarian

b. Optometrist

c. Psychiatrist
d. Court reporter
Nice try, but Doyle was a plumber. Anybody knows that. Why would he abandon his chosen trade? you may ask ... (of course it's remotely possible that you may NOT ask, but I'm going to tell you anyway.)

He finally figured out that writing was a much more desirable way to spend his time than cleaning out sewers and grease traps.

Very smart man, Doyle.

5.

Doyle's brother-in-law, E.W. Hornung, created a famous literary criminal by the name of:
a. Arsene Lupin

b. A.J. Raffles

c. Raoul d'Andresy
d. Jim Barnett
Wrong wrong wrong! First of all, it is absolutely shocking that the name of Dr. Moriarty was not supplied! Dr. Moriarty is the FIRST name that should come to anyone's mind. Archie Moriarty was not only a full professor at a small English college located in Pembury, but had earned his PhD in the area of criminology years before he was ever mentioned in a book.

However all of this is beside the point since Dr. Moriarty is not the correct answer to the question anyway. He was Doyle's character, not Hornung's.

Hornung's famous literary criminal's name was REALLY Michael Moore, of Fahrenheit 911 fame.  Mama mia!  Don't you ever watch the news?  How could you fall for this anyway??

Al Gore, the main mover behind An Inconvenient Truth would have been a superb candidate for the role of literary criminal but he didn't write "The Truth Which Was SO Inconvenient That It Was NOT the Truth" at all, he only inspired it; crime enough in itself, yet enough to disqualify Gore from further consideration in Hornung's view.

6.

One of Doyle's own exploits as a detective led to the British system of:

a. Appealing criminal cases

b. Proper representation for defendants in court
c. Conducting thorough police searches
d. Requiring background checks for police dogs
This is really too much! There were many Brit systems worthy of mention which were influenced by Doyle's detective stories.

Among these are harumphing, uttering the time-honoured British phrases Oh my word!, Zounds! and Gadzooks!, not to mention the Limey penchant for smoking long curved smelly pipes.

See Wikipedia to confirm all of this.

7.

In what year was Doyle knighted
a. 1895
b. 1897
c. 1900

d. 1902

As explained above, Doyle at first declined knighthood due to his bum shoulder. That being said a more appropriate question would have been: In what year was Doyle NOT knighted?

It should be plain to anyone that time and space preclude address
of the multiple answers possible for this intriguing question.

In your case however, it is entirely possible that you will spend the rest of the day trying to figure out all of the possibilities.

Have a good time dummy!

8.

Sherlock Holmes has the distinction of being:

a. The most portrayed character in film

b. The first true detective in literature
c. The fictional character who's received the most fan mail
d. The first character to make the leap from book to film.
Hahahahahahahaha!! Ohhhhh hahahahahahahahahaha!! That's a side splitter!  Not a chance!

Mickey Mouse is head-and-shoulders above Sherlock Holmes when it comes to frequency of fictional characters portrayed in film.  Sheriff  Andy Taylor of Mayberry, N.C. comes in a close second.

Sherlock Holmes can't carry either one of their suitcases as far as frequency of portrayal is concerned.

9.

Using the name A.C. Smith, Doyle played which sport?
a. Football
b. Rugby
c. Tennis
d. Golf

Football... right!

So what position did he play?  Left out?  Center of attention?  Right on?  No - Center of gravity!  That's it!  Football in a pig's eye.

Nice try! Anyway, REAL football; American football; is an offshoot of rugby.  Now there's a REAL sport... football with no pads - yikes!

The sordid truth is, Doyle was a renowned champion in the revered English sport of cow pie tossing.  The reason he used a fake name in competition was due to his great embarrassment regarding many unappealing and odoriferous accomplishments on the field of play with which he was unfailingly associated.  

10.

Which TV doctor is based directly on Sherlock Holmes?
a. Mark Sloan (Diagnosis Murder)
b. Peter Benton (ER)
c. John Dorian (Scrubs)

d. Gregory House (House)

Another question about which The Editor is not totally positive other than the fact that Gregory House had nothing to do with Sherlock Holmes.

The REAL answer is either Dr. Kildare, Dr. Spock, Dr. Pepper, or Dr. Lou (Holtz). Look this up yourself, as it's really quite tedious doing all of your dirty work for you.

Besides that, research on Cheryl Tiegs is proving to be an ongoing if not quite pleasant task, so when it comes to researching TV Doctors further, you can GO FISH!

*******************
Editor's Comment:
*******************
Case closed!!  What say old chap?...  Harumph - indeed!!

It does TOO take a rocket scientist!

.

.

Math 901 Dept:

********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
Sure at long last that I had found the perfect job, I ripped off a tab.

I computed the phone number; for me, not that difficult since it was coded as a simple algebraic formula... high school stuff!

Excited beyond words I dialed with trembling fingers. A business-like voice answered and asked me what kind of pizza I'd like this evening!

Oh well...

I ordered a stuffed cheese supreme with black olives and anchovies.

Dream on MacDuff

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You're not gettin' any Dept:

*******************
Editor's Comment:  Apologies to Bill Shakespeare for the title...
*******************

It's a dog's life!

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Phaedeux speaks out Dept:

Dear Master,

You are my Master. I will always be devoted to you. Nevertheless, there are a few things you do that are IRRITATING AS HELL!!

1. Blaming your gas on me...

Not funny... not funny at ALL!

2. Yelling at me for barking...

I'm a DOG you idiot!

3. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...

Stop it!!  Just STOP it!!

4. Clips having ribbons and bows;  pink toenails...

Now you know why I chew stuff up when you're not home.

5. How you act disgusted when I lick myself...

Look, we both know the truth.  You're jealous!

6. The sleight of hand; fake throw and fetch...

You fooled a dog. Whooo oooooo!!

What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet's office for the "big snip" and THEN acting surprised when I start to freak out every time we go back...

What if YOU turned into an instant soprano overnight?

8. Getting upset when I sniff your guests...

Sorry, I haven't mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. We both know who's boss here...

You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

*******************
Editor's Comment:  Holy Catfish!!  A talking dog!!
*******************

The Sabbath

And on the seventh day... He rested

It weren't no asteroid folks...

.

Extinction Dept:

********************
Editor's Comment:
********************
... the REAL reason that T-Rex no longer walks among us.
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Tying the knot

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Dearly Beloved Dept:

Dear Readers,

At some point in the life of most guys, there comes a moment when popping the question becomes significant.  Conversely, for MiLady
this moment morphs to a decision between 2 more than meaningful words; Yes or No.

Up to this time, the battle to find Mr. Right or Miss Perfect has been raging on, oft times for years and years on end.

So exactly how DOES one select the perfect mate?

Ah, the age-old question!

Our very own offspring now provide surprising insight into both the process and criteria related to this baffling and unknown process.

***

How do you decide whom to marry?

Alan, age 10

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you're into sports then she should like it that you're into sports;  and she should always keep the chips, dip, pretzels and beer coming on for sure.

Kristen, age 10

No person really decides who they are going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out who you're stuck with later on.

What is the right age to get married?

Camille, age 10

23 is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

Freddie, age 6

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. 

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
Derrick, age 8
You have to guess; like if they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

Monica, age 10

When they both look like each other or their pet.

What do you think your Mom and Dad have in common?

Lori, age 8

Both of them don't want any more kids. 

Mark, age 8

They each have their own bedroom.

Regina, age 10

They like to yell a lot.

What do most people do on a date?

Lynette, age 9
Dates are for having fun. People should use them to get to know each other.  Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. 
Martin, age 10
On the first date they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go out together on a second date.

What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?

Craig, age 9
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call the newspapers and make sure they all wrote about me in their dead columns. 

Lydia, age 9

I'd go up to a really big man and tell him that I was being kidnapped.

When is it OK to kiss someone?

Pam, age 7
When they're rich. 

Curt, age 7

The law says you have to be 18 so I wouldn't want to mess with that. 

Howard, age 8

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone then you should marry them and have kids with them.  It's just the right thing to do.

Roland, age 10

It's OK to kiss somebody only if you're in the Mafia and you have to.

Is it better to be single or married?

Theodore, age 8

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to smooch with my wife.  I don't want to be all grossed out.
Anita, age 9
It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them and run the vacuum and stuff.

How would it be different if people didn't get married?

Kelvin, age 8
There sure would be lots of kids to explain, wouldn't there? 
Marcia, age 9
I'm not sure if it would really be that much different, but I wouldn't want to be in the diamond business for sure.

How would you make a marriage work?

Felicia, age 10

Don't make your husband take out the trash or pick up his socks.
Ricky, age 10
Tell your wife she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.

*******************
Editor's comment:  Durn! Why didn't I think of all this stuff?
*******************

And the question is...

.

Chemistry 101 Dept:

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Today you are to take the essay portion of your final examination for this term.

Originality and factual research will count heavily toward your overall grade.

You are to write a one page paper on the subject: Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?

Editor's note:
Exothermic entities give off while endothermic entities absorb heat.

*******************

Editor's Comment:

*******************

The Editor being a proctor for this exam, watched over the shoulder of The King of Nerds as he wrote the following brilliant treatise:

****

Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?

First we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time; that is to say, the rate at which souls are moving into Hell, as opposed to the rate at which they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume once a soul goes to Hell that it will stay, therefore NO souls are leaving... none at ALL!

As far as the number of souls entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today.  Most of these religions insist that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. 

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people can neither realistically nor morally belong to more than one religion, we can project that ALL souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

We now must become aware of the rate of change of the volume in Hell for if the temperature and pressure in Hell are to stay the same, the volume of Hell must expand proportionally as souls are added which is consistent according to Boyle's Law.

This gives us two realistic possibilities:

1. Hell is expanding at a slower rate than that of the number of souls entering causing an increase in both the temperature and pressure with the eventual result of all Hell breaking loose.

2. Hell is expanding at a faster rate than that of the number of souls entering, causing the temperature and pressure to drop with the eventual result of Hell freezing over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Miss Theresa Whimseley during high school that It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you! and take into account the fact that I slept with her only last night, then number two must be true.

Thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is, that since Hell has frozen over, it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore now extinct.

 
Since Hell no longer exists, this leaves only Heaven which proves both the existence of a divine being and why Theresa kept shouting
Oh my God over and over again during our clandestine sojourn of last night!

                                   **** 
The Editor is happy to report a grade of A+

That's Whut Ah Lahk About the South... Gotcha

Payback Dept:

*******************
Editor's Comment:  I can't stand these new sarcastic laptops...
*******************

Home Alone

.  
My hero Dept:

They were together in the dark house, just the two of them. The storm had blown in quickly. Each time the thunder boomed, he watched her cringe in fear.

She admired his strength from far across the room wishing that he'd hold her;  that he'd comfort her, and protect her from the fury of the raging tempest.

Suddenly, with a loud bang, the power went out!

As she screamed in terror, without hesitation he raced to the sofa where she cowered, pulling her into his huge muscular arms.

He knew that theirs was a forbidden union and expected her to pull away. But she didn't resist, instead clinging to him with all her might.

The storm raged on. They knew it was wrong; knew that their families would never understand.  So consumed were they with their fear and crazy mixed up feelings for each other that they didn't notice as the door slowly creaked open and stealthy footsteps approached.

Then in the brief silence between the thunderous lightning bolts, they heard distinctly, the unmistakable click of a camera's shutter...

*******************
Editor's Comment: Oh my word! A match made in heaven...
*******************

Adam's rib

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Garden of Eden Dept:

Dear Readers:

The Editor has been somewhat cattily informed by a member of the fair sex, that  the  real reason Eve was created was that The Lord and Master felt that He "could do better" after creating Adam.

Isn't that just too cute?

*********************
Editor's Comments:
*********************
It took awhile, but The Editor has been able to confirm that MiLady was basically right.  But Her Royal Highness for whatever reason left the tale of man's creation quite incomplete, stopping at the point:

...and God scratched His head and said I can do better than this!

Then she left it at that!!!... can you imagine??

To clear the air, here is the REST of the ugly story:
------------------------------ 
...and God scratched His head and said I can do better than this!

...continued...

So He caused Adam to sleep and created the woman called Eve out of his rib.  When finished, He looked at the fruit of his labor, slapped himself hard in the face and cried out loud: 

No, no, no... that's ALL wrong!!! 

Back at the drawing board again He created Spot, the trusty Golden Retriever to forever serve as Man's Best Friend.

And He said: Ahhhhh... THAT'S what we're looking for; someone who will be faithful to Adam to the death, obey his every command without question, eat what's put before him without complaining, has no clue what a birthday or anniversary is, doesn't care if Adam leaves the seat to the commode up or down, has no problem with Adam drinking milk right out of the bottle, loves to play in the dirt, thinks that channel-hopping is cool, and lighting farts is hilarious. 

Unfortunately enough, Eve was already made, and God being God absolutely refused to just 'undo her'. Besides, there was the very real complexity of restoring Adam's rib;not an easy job even for the most skilled of orthopaedic surgeons. 

Editor's note: OK, so strike me with lightning already... 

Besides that, Adam had already P.O.ed The Lord mightily with his unrelenting complaints about being 'lonely' and 'bored stiff'.

So God  left Eve with Adam as his punishment.  But He at least had enough compassion to add Spot, the trusty Golden Retriever to the group so as to console Adam in his grief at receiving such a bad lot in life.

Later on, Eve also P.O.ed The Lord by tricking Adam into eating of the forbidden fruit, so He also invented hunting, fishing, NASCAR, high heeled shoes, dishpan hands, and cigars as a payback to Eve.

Although there is no record of the particulars, Adam must have done something else VERY wrong for Him to have created such tortures as alimony, women drivers, quiche, nagging, headaches, Valentine's Day, neckties, nose-hair, tennis bracelets and telltale lipstick stains.

I don't know. Maybe He was just evening up the playing field for the both of them... the records lost forever, we'll never know for sure. 

Arggghhh - quiche!! I wish the boy had quit while he was ahead.

Calvary

.

For God so loved the world...

It's all over but tha shoutin' folks...

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B.S.O.D. Dept:

********************
Editor's Comment:  OMG!!  The dreaded Blue Screen Of Death!
********************

Cuttin' a rug

.

Disco Dept:

********************
Editor's Comment:
********************
It'd make about as much sense as anything else I've heard lately...
(Thanks to my old programmer mentor Paul Benjaminson)

Amaz(e)ing

.

.

There and Back Again Dept:

*******************

Editor's Comment:

*******************

In around 42 weeks I'd venture to say... give or take a day or so.

Men are from Mars...

 
Oneupsmanship Dept:

In-class assignment for Wednesday:

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Today we will experiment with a new form of writing called "the tandem story".

The process is very simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting immediately to the right.  One of you will choose a title and write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the paragraph then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph and so-on, back and forth until both agree that a conclusion has been reached.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.  There is to be absolutely no talking.  Any comments you wish to make must be written as a part of the story.

*****

Chamomile Tea

by

Rebecca and Gary

(title and 1st paragraph by Rebecca)

Rebecca

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, before her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl who once said in happier times that he liked chamomile. But she must now at all costs keep her mind off  of Carl, whose possessiveness was suffocating. When she thought about him too much, her asthma started acting up again.  No, chamomile was definitely out of the question...

Gary

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie, with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.  "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17" he said into his trans-galactic communicator.  "Polar orbit established.  No sign of resistance so far...". But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere, blasting a hole through his ship's cargo hold.  The shock from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit, directly towards rows of stacked photon torpedoes...

Rebecca
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for physically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities toward the innocent farmers of Skylon 4, and the universe was once again filled with peace and tranquility.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel" Laurie read in her newspaper the next morning.  The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window dreaming of her youth when the days
had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract
her from the sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her... "Why must a girl lose her innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully...

Gary
Little did Laurie know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live, for thousands of miles above the city the Anu'udrian mother ship had launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles.  The idiot peacenik weenies who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires, all of whom were pledged to crush the entire human race.  Within two hours after passage of the treaty, the Anu'udrian fleet was on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to destroy the entire planet.  With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan to pulverize our world and all who lived upon it.
The lithium fusion missile entered the Earth's atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters off the coast of Samoa, felt the massive explosion which instantly vaporized poor stupid Laurie and 79 million other Americans. The President pounded both heavy fists on top of the marble conference table. "We can not allow this!" he exclaimed. "I'm vetoing that treaty! Initiate code red to all Earth Defense Squadrons. Blow'em outta the sky!!"

Rebecca

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Gary

Yeah? Well you're a self-centered, tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Shall I have chamomile tea?...or shall I have some other sort of F---ing TEA?" wrote the air- headed tart who reads too many dime-store Mills and Boon novels.

Rebecca

)(@$%&**@

Gary

#(*(&@#(^^

Rebecca

?(&@#^)&%)%

Gary

*$#^*!#&%!@%&&!!!

-----------------------------
And now Dear Readers, since the unfinished story was submitted at this point, The Editor is forced to pen the FINAL paragraph:

And she did drink some tea...

But Gary, having seen 9-to-5 27 times, secretly slipped in 2 spoons of rat poison, and the problem of Rebecca suddenly went away.

********************
Editor's Comments: 
********************
When grades for the assignment were handed out, Gary was nowhere to be found. Rebecca remained in the intensive care ward recovering from her recent, near fatal bout of acute gastrointestinal dyspepsia.

While rumor has it that Gary is seeking asylum on Skylon 4, a partially finished letter was found on Rebecca's bedside table which began...

Dearest Gary,
Please come back. I  love you and want you to be my husband...

Smudges covering the letter were apparently caused by tears.

Kids  and jeune amour!!  Go figure!

Search me...

(404) 555-1212 Dept:

********************
Editor's Comments:
********************
In a pig's eye I quit!!

But I'll "let you know what to do" anyway...

First, check the code

In hexadecimal mode

If you're still stuck just yell

But I'll never tell.

Ha ha ha...

Shudn'ta laid me off dude...

The Straight Skinny 301

.

Who'da thunk it Dept:

.

Ladies and Gentlemen:

It would benefit each of you to pay close

attention and take notes as there will be

a short quiz following today's lecture on

Facts to File and Forget.
1.
The toothbrush was officially invented in 1498.

And toothpaste wasn't invented until the 19th century. Oops!

2.
John Travolta turned down the starring roles in both An Officer and
a Gentleman and Tootsie.
True.  John was always proud of his highly developed lack of couth which he felt soundly disqualified him for both parts. 
3.
Prince William and Prince Harry never travel on the same airplane just in case there's a crash.
Crash my foot! The real reason is that both realized if they traveled together they'd have to share the flight attendants between them.
4.
The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
Wrong!!!
All Moms can see behind themselves 24/7. That's a lead-pipe cinch!
My Mom told me so, and I believe it because I never got away with ANYTHING when I was a kid!  Moms know all, hear all, see all!
5.
The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato soup can for a carburetor.
I saw something like that once on a Little Rascals re-run. They filled up the soup can with dog food, hung it in front of a big black-and-white spotted
dog and that was their engine. Those Li'l Rascals were pretty smart.  Their dog was pretty stupid.
6.
The real  reason ostriches stick their heads in the sand is to search for underground water.
... instantly qualifying them for Upper Management...
7.
The average 50-year-old has spent 5 years waiting in line.
More if they went to Six Flags or Disney World in the daytime.
8.
A modern artist from Chicago, Dwight Kalb, created a statue of Madonna made out of 180 pounds of leftover spiral-sliced ham.
How appropriate!
9.
For 47 days in 1961, the painting Le Bateau by Matisse hung upside- down in New York City's Museum of Modern Art without a single one of the 116,000 visitors noticing anything out of the ordinary.
99% of the pseudo art snobs who visit art museums wouldn't know real art if it jumped up and bit them square on the behind.
10.
French artist Michel Vienkot uses cow poo instead of paint.
The art world well knows that a Vienkot original ain't worth s---!

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Quiz:

Kalb used 180 pounds of ham for Madonna's statue.

1. Do you think that this was enough?
     a. Yes, if you only consider the ego part.
     b. Probably, if he didn't trim off too much fat.
     c. No. The hips and thighs were left quite incomplete.

2. Name some other reasons Travolta might have had for turning
     down the lead in Tootsie.
     a. His heavy beard wouldn't work that well since the female
          character was much too young to shave.
     b. He wasn't muscular enough for the part of the woman.
     c. He wasn't graceful enough for the part of the man.

3. Name some other reasons Travolta might have had for turning
     down the lead in An Officer and a Gentleman.
     a. He hated navy beans.
     b. He was afraid he'd become known around town as a gentleman.
     c. He got seasick very easily.

The toothbrush was invented some 300 years before toothpaste.

4. Will George W. Bush eventually get the blame for this foulup?
      a. Why not? He's still convenient enough.
      b. It seems like the right thing to do.
      c. Of course he will. If it ain't broke don't fix it!
      d. Are you kidding?

5. What do you believe is the real reason that Princes William and
     Harry travel seperately?
     a. They can't stand the sight of each other.
     b. William always grabs the window seat. Harry doesn't like it.
     c. They actually don't want to share the flight attendants. 

The first Harley used a tomato soup can for a carburetor.

6. What is used for the carburetor on a Harley today?
     a. A chicken noodle soup can
     b. A cream of mushroom soup can
     c. A black-and-white spotted dog that ate some kind of soup

Bonus question:

Do you think that Madonna is smart enough to be a blond?

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Editor's Comment: Not even close!
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Our Father...

.

... who art in Heaven...

Synapses

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Facts of life Dept:

.

The common goldfish has a memory
span of only three to four seconds.


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Editor's Comment: 
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... still a full two seconds longer than the common teenager...

The Juggler

Multitasking Dept:

.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4776181634656145640

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Editor's Comments:
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If this guy can juggle numbers half as well as he does tennis balls, I've got such a deal for him around tax time next April.

.

I wonder how he'd handle Nicolai Rimsky-Korsakov's famous work Flight of the Bumblebee?

Passing the Buck

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                                       Finger Point'n Dept:

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Editor's Comment:  It's tha dying' truth folks...
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That's Whut Ah Lahk About the South... The DA

Tell it like it is Dept:

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Editor's Comment:
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No muss... no fuss... no bother... end of story.

More than a mouthful!

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Chowtime Dept:

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Editor's Comments:
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This is a shot of a woman who jumped into the polar bear exhibit
at the Berlin zoo during feeding time last April.

Considering its choice of lunchtime snacks, The Editor contends that this particular bear is more likely bipolar than polar.

.

I wonder what was on the menu for dessert?

The Straight Skinny 201

Who'da thunk it Dept:

Ladies and Gentlemen:

It would benefit each of you to pay close attention and take notes as there will be
a short quiz following today's lecture on
Facts to File and Forget.

1.

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
... more than I wanted to know...
2.
A pack-a-day smoker will lose about 2 teeth every 10 years. 

If the smoker also happens to be a hockey goalie, the rate of
loss for most seems to be quite a bit higher than the norm.

3.
When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop; even the heart. 

This is false if breaking-wind counts at all... even a little bit.

4.

Only 7 percent of the population are lefties.

Try selling that to the Democratic party.

5.
Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

Ah yes... where do I go to get a dog bite? It's for a friend... really...

6.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear for 2 to 6 years.

Babies are also born without beards.  Can you imagine??

7.

The average housefly lives for one month.

Not in my house it don't!

8.
40,000 Americans are injured by toilets every year.

That must be why there are so many toilets overcrowding our pris- ons. The latest study shows an average of 3 toilets for every 4 cells.

9.

A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
This is true.  Ask any car thief.
10.
Most of us have eaten a spider while resting in bed.

Yes indeedy; and that's just for starters.

11.
In most TV commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of milk.

If the kids end up kissing Mom do they stick together?

12.
If coloring were not added to Coca Cola, it would be green.

It's not green?

***************

Quiz:

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
1.What did he do with all the lint?
     a. He packed it into the dimple in his chin.
     b. He donated it to the Salvation Army.
     c. He was saving it for a toupe' but never got quite enough.
     d. Madeleine Albright bought it to spruce up her mustache. 

Babies are born without beards. They appear during puberty.
2.What percentage of babies are capable of growing a beard?
    a. 51% counting the Queen of Hearts and Madeleine Albright.
    b. 0% dummy!  Didn't you read?
         The beard-growing part comes later!! 
    c. Virtually 0%. (...this allows for Madeleine Albright)

.

Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

3.Answer the following questions about dog bites:
    a. What are the most popular brands?
    c. How much does a 50 lb. sack cost?
    d. How much does a 50 lb. sack cost if it's full of something?
    e. Is a prescription required?

Coloring is added to Coca Cola or it would be green.

4. What color is Coca Cola after the coloring is added?
     a. Yes
     b. No
     c. Green
     d. I don't know. I already drank mine. 

A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
5. How long is a coat hanger while it still looks like a coat hanger?
     a. 44 inches
     b. About 44 inches I think. The handle part is a bitch to measure.

 6. While resting in bed, what else have you eaten besides a spider?

      a. Crackers
      b. Gummy Bears
      c. Pickles and ice-cream
      d. I'll never tell

7. If 7% of the population are lefties, what percentage are righties?
     a. 94% counting Madeleine Albright
     b. 6% according to the Democratic National Caucaus
     c. 54% according to Madeleine Albright

8. Why are so many toilets found in prisons these days?
     a. Our dedicated men in blue are Johnny-on-the-Spot
     b. Our superlative legal system is Johnny-on-the-Spot
     c. Obviously, it's due to racial profiling

Bonus question: 

Who the hell is Madeleine Albright?

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Editor's Comment: 
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More to come in future blogs... 

Food for thought!

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.

Give us this day, our daily bread...

That's Whut Ah Lahk About the South... The Plate

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Suthu'n Accent Dept:

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Editor's Comment: 
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Anytime you happen to find yourself south of the Mason Dixon Line, this is not only the correct but the ONLY acceptable pronunciation!

Animal Planet

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National Geographic Explorer Dept:

A group of cows (12 or more) is called a flink. 
A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
A group of owls is called a parliament.
A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
A group of frogs is called an army.
A group of rhinos is called a crash.
A group of whales is called a pod. 
A group of lions is called a pride.
A group of ravens is called a murder.
A group of larks is called an exaltation.
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Editor's Comment:
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A group of Managers is called a disaster!!

Slooowly it crept...

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.

Old Age Dept:

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********************

Editor's Comments:

********************

Dear Readers:

The Editor thought that this cartoon was hilarious... that is, until
he happened to glance at a mirror in his OWN HOUSE.

The gnarled weather-beaten  image staring back at him exposed the hideous truth as it taunted mercilessly:

You're old... worse still, you're not only old, you're OOOLLLD!

Arrrgggghhh!!

It took awhile, but all the mirrors in the whole joint have now been... what's politically correct here?... ah yes... officially terminated.

.

Every medicine cabinet in THREE baths had to be replaced!  $$$

.

I know they're called the golden years, but...

... what I saw in the mirror looked more like rust!